Job: Chapters 8 to 14

Last time, Job began. Now the debate heats up.

CHAPTER 8

Now it’s time for the second asshole friend to chime in: Bildad.  Really, these guys may as well be triplets.  They are essentially a Greek chorus.  (In fact, I wouldn’t doubt at all that these guys are an example of Greek influence with the chorus structure from the play affecting this particular Bible writer). 

Bildad makes the same basic case as the first drip did.  In short: God treats the good people well and he punishes the bad.  He won’t cast away the upright and he’ll fill your mouth with joy again.  So you should be blameless and upright, and thus God will restore your house.

It’s such a lifeless philosophy.  I mean, I can see the appeal under some circumstances, but not this one.  It’s a philosophy totally divorced from what’s going on.  It reminds me of Pangloss from Candide.  He had his philosophy of how the world worked, and he was going to stick to it, come what may. 

It’s not even trying to account for the fact that many bad people do well or that some good suffer.  That doesn’t exist in his philosophy, which is why it is so insubstantial, especially with Exhibit A on its limitation sitting before him.

Bildad does get off one great line: “our days on earth are but a shadow.”  I think Shakespeare nicked from that, actually.

CHAPTER 9

Job begins his reply by, surprisingly, agreeing with Bildad.  I didn’t see that coming.  Bildad ended by saying that if Job would just accept God, then happy days will return again.  And Job starts this chapter by agreeing.

But it becomes apparent that there are very real differences between these men.  You say that if I bow to God again things will be good?  OK, so they will.  After all, Job expounds, God is all-powerful.  There is a prolonged section where Job notes God’s power.

And then Job ponders, who am I to stand up to him.  But here is where the turn occurs.  “How then could I give him any answer, or choose out arguments against him!  Even though I were right, I could not answer.”  Did you catch that?  “Even though I were right.”  Job is conceding that God has all the power.  And since God has all the power, that means God can define the terms.  If God is all-powerful and he says that X is right, then who is Job to say that Y is right? 

So Job might agree with Bildad, but the agreement comes from a very different place.  Bildad sees God as being moral and merciful.  But Job sees God as being all-powerful, and then can beat everyone up who says he isn’t merciful or moral.  But that doesn’t mean God is actually merciful or moral.  A lot of this is implied and my own particular take on it – but Job is the one who said “Even though I were right.”

He notes that if he were to speak against God, then God can send a great storm to overwhelm me.  Yeah, God can always win, but it’s might making right.  And Job just isn’t having it.  Job doesn’t have anything left, but his notion of morality.  And in Job’s notion, God is the one who broke the contract.  God is the one who ruined his life without cause. God and Satan’s little debate on Job’s morality has been flipped around – Job ponders the morality of God.  (And Job has a better argument).

All Job can do, though, is note how he loathes his life.

CHAPTER 10

Job finishes off his speech here.  He says he’ll speak his bitterness and complain.  God has wronged him, so why not?

He concludes wondering just why God had made him in the first place.  He’d be better off dead.  Job’s hope now lay not with God, but with death.

CHAPTER 11

Asshole friend #3 gets on the board now: Zophar.  He starts off by calling Job’s words “babblings.” 

Here’s a question: at one point is it OK to start calling out Job?  I’m against these three guys.  They lack all sympathy for Job in his situation and their advice is cold and devoid of any real human feeling.  But, in their partial defense, how many times do you have to hear a guy say how much he despises life before you tell him to get over it already?  I don’t know the answer to this.  But I do know you should cut Job a little slack, and this trio never did, so though we have a lot more back-and-forth to go, I really can’t side with them at all. 

Job’s complaints might become tiresome, but their speeches begin as tiresome. 

This speech is more of the same: God will help the good and punish the bad.  Zophar even says, that, “God overlooks some of your sinfulness.”  Really?  Given the massive blows Job has just taken, how can he say that?  And remember what we know – and that Zophar doesn’t know – these problems befell Job NOT because he was a sinner but because he was good.  That’s why he was tested.

Let’s chomp on that for a second.  These guys have been saying all along that God rewards the good and punishes the wicked.  Not only does that philosophy seem like wishful thinking and divorced from reality – but it’s directly and explicitly contradicted by the plot of Job.  Interesting.

CHAPTER 12

Now Job fires off his response, which will stretch for three full chapters.  At this point, everything being said has an element of been-there, heard-that already.  The standards of the debate have already been set.  While there is some nice language throughout- it’s got 30 more chapters to go!  It’s got 15 more chapters until Job finally tires of dealing with these doorknobs.

He starts off with a shot at them: “No doubt you are the people with whom wisdom shall die!”  Heh. 

Job notes that there are good guys suffering and bad guys doing well.  God is all-powerful and does what he wants.  Because he’s God and who can stop him?  For Job, the only real true characteristic God has is power.  But Job won’t give an inch on the question of morality.  God can make people say he’s moral, but that doesn’t mean he really is moral. 

CHAPTER 13

Job really gets a full head of steam going, and though it’s just a debate he’s having, he ascends to the heights of a hero here. 

He trashes his “friends” repeatedly as they “gloss over falsehoods, you are worthless physicans” with their “ashy maxims.”  He bids them to be silent.  Hear, hear! 

Then Job turns his attention to God.  Sure, God can kill me.  But, “Slay me though he might, I will wait for him.  I will defend my conduct before him.  This shall be my salvation.”  Wow!  He’ll make his stand.

That little bit strikes me as among the most amazing passages in the entire Bible.  I can think of two ways to take it.  One: Job will make his case before God and God will admire him for standing up for his morals.  I guess that’s one interpretation, but I don’t buy it.  After all, this whole thing began with God seeing if Job would stay loyal to him if everything went wrong.  So I don’t think Job will be congratulated for going against God to his face.

That leads to a second interpretation for Job: Fuck God.  Yeah, that’s right – fuck the all-mighty.  Job is making his stand not on God, but in opposition to God.  Job is making his stand on morality itself.  Job knows what morality is – “I know that I am in the right” he says right after making his stand – and now it looks like God is opposed to that morality.  God has power, but Job has morality.  And that’s how Job will defend his conduct before God.  It’s not about winning.  Job has said all along that God has all the power. But it’s about Job maintaining his own personal moral integrity.  That’s why he’ll make his stand – even against God.  That’s why makes Job so heroic, he’s found an ideal he’ll stand for, and he’ll stand for it in the face of the highest authority.  Job makes rebellion against God sound like the truly religious thing to do here.

Another reason why that second interpretation is probably right: Job notes how his friends are hiding their faces from him.  They are scared and horrified by this, so the more dramatic interpretation is probably correct.

This has become one of my favorite Bible chapters, up there with Genesis Chapter 18 (another one where someone debates God’s morality instead of blindly following it) and Chapter 16 from the Second Book of Samuel. 

CHAPTER 14

I didn’t really get that much out of this one. Job finishes up his speech, and speaks a lot in analogy.  There is a big analogy between the life of man and a tree, and the main thing I get from it is there’s no belief in reincarnation here. (Cut down a tree, and it can grow up again from the stump.  But that’s not the case with a man.  He dies and he doesn’t’ come back). 

Job wishes there was reincarnation – then he might have some relief.  But that is not the case.  Sounds like Job is flirting with Buddhism here. 

Click here for the next seven chapters of Job.

Job: Chapters 1 to 7

Last time, Maccabees II ended.  Now for the first of the Wisdom Books.

CHAPTER 1

This starts off like a fable, which makes sense because that’s essentially what it is.  It’s a fable about morality.  It tries to answer the big question – if God is good and all-powerful, then how come he lets bad things happen to good people?

We start off with Job, a good guy.  He’s rich with lots of sheep of animals and cattle.  He has seven sons and three daughters and they all get along well, taking turns hosting feats for the family.  He has a wife – note: only one wife.  Big shots all Bible long have had multiple wives, but not Job.  Oh, and he is a God fearing, pious man.

Job is so pious that God brags about how pious Job is.  God brags about Job to “the sons of God” –  a rather jarring phrase all things considered.  The footnotes tell me it just means an assembly of angels.  Anyhow, one person in the assembly takes exception to God’s claim: Satan. 

Yeah, Satan is in God’s assembly.  This is the original view of Satan.  He isn’t yet the prince of darkness and devil of all.  He is just a retainer in God’s way.  From what I know, the original vision of Satan was as a guy who would be a bit of an adversary to God.  Not adversary in the sense of Hitler being an adversary to Jews; more a loyal opposition.  He’d test things, question God’s doings – basically keep God on his toes.  But even if he’s a loyal opposition, he’s still the opposition and will still do some horrible things (stayed tuned for later on in this chapter). 

That led to a shift in how Satan was perceived.  I assume it began in folk belief rather than the priests, but Satan became, well, Satan – the modern Satan.  And out of this folk belief sprang Jesus Christ and Christianity.  And now he’s the ultimate bad guy.  There are still some lingering traces of the original Satan – he’s a fallen angel now.  But in Job you get Satan as he began, part of God’s assemblage.  But Job also shows how/why’s Satan’s image change.  To whit – let’s get on with the story.

Job tells God, sure Job is pious.  But why shouldn’t he be?  You’ve blessed him in all ways it possible to be blessed.  Why shouldn’t he love you?  What if he wasn’t so blessed?  I bet he’ll curse your name then.

God ponders it and realizes that Satan has a point.  To show how pious Job is, it’s necessary to put him to the test.  I suppose that this book is a large part of the reason why now have the sense that God is testing us when things go wrong.  God makes just one condition: don’t touch Job himself.  Preserve his personal health.

So Satan sets off on the first test.  And oh my God is it something.  In six verses you get some of the most harrowing moments of the Bible.  Four messengers come running up to Job, each with a horrifying tale – and they come BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM.  At one point we’re told one hasn’t even finished speaking when the other has come up.

First, some raiders have taken all of Job’s donkeys, and killed all his servants tending them.  Only the messenger survived.  (Get used to that last bit).  A second guy notes that, “God’s fire has fallen from heaven” (!!!!) and killed his sheep and servants – leaving only him to tale the tale.  The third says the camels have been taken – and all servants perished except for himself.  The last one is the worst of all.  Job’s kids – yup, his kids – were feasting together when a wind destroyed the house, killing them all and all servants (except for the one talker).

HOLY CRAP!

This is breathtakingly bad news.  (Can you see now how Satan became the prince of darkness?)  This is horrifying, but Job – just as God said – takes it in stride.  In fact, he responds with some of the greatest lines of the Bible: “Naked I came forth from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I go back there.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!” 

That Job: he’s a better man than I. 

Also, can we pause at how bad God and Satan come off here?  They come off like Mortimer and Randolph Duke in “Trading Places.”  They ruin a man’s life just to settle a bet they have. And worst of all – it isn’t just Job.  In fact, it isn’t even mostly Job.  He had 10 kids and an unknown number of servants killed in this.  They are just collateral damage in this battle to see if Job really is that moral after all.  Yikes.

And that yikes is key. Because Job will turn the question of his morality around – and use the test upon him to make it a debate on God’s morality. 

CHAPTER 2

Satan has lost the original bet – but presses God to go further.  He’s OK when he loses everything around him, but what when problems hit himself personally?  God relents on his one stipulation. OK, if you want to, inflict pain on Job.  And Satan does just that, putting severe boils on Job from head to foot. 

Job is so poor off that even his wife – yup, just a wife, not one of many – tells him to curse the Lord.  But Job refuses, and calls her a foolish woman.

But then Job’s toughest test of all happens: his three “friends” arrive.  These guys really deserve to have the word friends put in quotation marks, because they suck donkey dick.  We’re told that they’ve traveled to Job to offer him sympathy and comfort.  Wow do they ever suck at sympathy and comfort.  They never offer anything like that.  In fact, what Satan couldn’t do by destroying all had, these “friends” achieve by hanging around Job for a while.  They break his spirit.

First, they see Job and immediately begin to weep aloud.  Guys, it’s not all about you.  You’re here to cheer him up, not be a bunch of mega-downers.  Those assholes. 

Then they get over their crying and sit with Job.  No one says a word, for seven days, for they see how he’s suffering.  OK, I can understand a little bit of stoic silence; sometimes just having someone nearby can help.  But seven days?  Can you at least bring up football or something? Tell some jokes?  Also, based on what they say when they talk, I don’t think they’re really good at this whole comfort-by-their-presence thing.

Oh, I should note the names of the assholes: Eliphaz, Teman, and Bildad. 

CHAPTER 3

Finally, after a week with the trio of turds, Job breaks.  And it’s a doozy.  “Perish the day I was born” it begins and it keep going from there.  I’m tempted to quote all of it, but that would just feel lame.  And there isn’t much commentary to give, because that opening line sums it up.

It’s a great speech though.  Job has finally been broken and it all comes pouring out, in rather poetic language.  He wishes he was never born, that if he had to be born he’d be a stillborn.  How much he feels the dead are better off.  He has no rest, and trouble has overwhelmed him. 

Oh, side note – we get a reference to the Leviathan; a mythical sea monster that Thomas Hobbes will later title a book based upon.  I wonder if that was an idea in the area floating around or if it’s popularity comes from Job? 

CHAPTER 4

Now those “friends” prove themselves to be complete assholes.  Well, for now it’s just one friend: Eliphaz. 

He starts gently, I’ll give him that: “If someone attempts a word with you, would you mind?”  Then he – a person who came to help provide “sympathy and comfort” for his supposed friend, shows an amazing lack of either. 

He calls Job impatient and tells him, in so many words, “Man up, Nancy Boy!”  Hey, others have had it bad, but once it’s your turn, you freak out.  Everyone has their bad problems, but get on with it.

Man, if you hadn’t read the first three chapters, you’d think Job had an ingrown toenail or something.  His life has been ruined five different ways in rapid succession!  Look, I can go for a bit of a “buck up, little camper” speech.  But you can’t approach it like this.  This is incredible. 

Oh, one line in particular is horrible. Eliphaz is trying to explain how it’s all for the best because God is just and moral.  He says, “Reflect now, what innocent person perished?  Where are the upright destroyed?”  Oh, I dunno – how about all of Job’s 10 kids?  Weren’t they upright?   Weren’t they innocent?  They’ve surely all been destroyed.  How about Job’s servants, you know – the ones also slaughtered.  Who says such a thing?

In fact, let’s forget that Job’s family was all but wiped out, save his wife.  Who believes stuff like this anyway?  “What innocent person perished?”  Man, really?  Your argument is really that no innocent person perishes ever?  Give me a break.

Near the end of the chapter the jerk says – about guys who lose faith in God – that they are, “crushed more easily than a mouth.”  All his animals are gone.  His servants slaughtered. His 10 kids dead.  His body wracked with pain.  And this jerk compares Job’s mental anguish to a moth.  This guy can’t be smacked hard enough with a smacking stick.

CHAPTER 5

And he goes on for another chapter.  He tells Job to appeal to God.  OK, that’s reasonable advice.  Maybe Job would be more willing to take you up on it, if you hadn’t been such a sympathy-free motherfucking piece of shit here. 

Eliphaz goes on, basically telling Job to put his trust with God.  His philosophy is just so cold.  There is no human tenderness helping him understand Job’s incredible pain.  Also, it’s just so passive.  If Eliphaz were a preacher, no one would should up to his congregation. 

Eliphaz says that Job should be happy that God has reproven him. Yeah, I don’t see how that helps.  Eliphaz assures him that God will make it all right in the end, giving him all that he once lost.  And while this is how the book ends (spoiler!) it’s a really lousy philosophy.  Good people end up badly hurt by life.  This philosophy is at odds with lived experience. 

Oh, and he says, “You shall know that your descendents are many.”  Again: His.  Kids. Are. Dead. 

CHAPTER 6

After two chapters of terrible advice, Job gets his response.  And yeah, I’m still completely on Team Job.

He starts off with some general talk about how miserable he is.  (Admittedly, that can get old, but to date it’s only his second such outburst since his life was ruined).  He wonders why God would do this to him, after he’d kept the commandments so well.  Right there, for the first time, Job flips around the question. Instead of the test being about Job proving his morality to God, now Job says God must prove his morality to Job. 

But Job doesn’t stay on that theme long.  Instead, he asks a pretty damn good question: “What is my limit that I should be patient?  Have I the strength of stones, or is my flesh made of bronze?”  Damn right.  He had the fortitude to survive more than just about anyone else, but every man has his breaking point. 

Best of all, Job digs into his worthless friends.  You guys should show me kindness.  Instead you suck.  Oh, and your arguments suck, too!  Damn right, Job!  Give ‘em hell, Job!

CHAPTER 7

Job’s response has a second and last chapter.  Most of his A-list material he used up in the first chapter.  Now he complains that life is drudgery.  Also, he notes, “My flesh is clothed with worms and scabs.”  Yikes!  Yeah, I can see how that would drive a man to his breaking point. 

He assures them that he will give voice to his despair and wants to know “How long before you look away from me, and let me alone till I swallow my spit?”  He all but tells them to fuck off.  They have it coming.

Click here for the next chunk of Job.

Job main page

Chapters 1 to 7
Chapters 8 to 14
Chapters 15 to 21
Chapters 22 to 28
Chapters 29 to 35
Chapters 36 to 42

Maccabees II: Chapters 12 to 15

Here is the previous part of Maccabees II.  Now to finish it up.

CHAPTER 12

This is mostly just battles we already heard about in the first book.  There are some new details. Apparently, some Gentiles tricked some Jews into coming into town on false pretense, and then drowned 200 of them. Lovely. 

Oh, but the slaughter goes both ways.  Judas and his boys capture a town that was very haughty toward the Jews.  They figured that their walls were high enough to save them.  They hadn’t read the Book of Joshua, now had they?  Judas takes the city and, “inflicted such an incredible slaughter” – that’s the Bible’s words: “incredible slaughter” – that, “the adjacent pool, which was about a quarter of a mile wide, seemed to be filled with blood that flowed into it.” 

The moralism gets laid on a little thick sometimes, like when the Bible tells us that an enemy was overcome by fear just because they saw the first section of troops fighting for the Lord.  Judas’s men kill 30,000 in that battle.  A little later, they slaughter 25,000 in a city that they capture.

This is plunging perilously close to Joshua territory in its embrace of – and celebration of – genocide. 

Actually, near the end of the battle, you get the single corniest and hackneyed bit or moralism in this book and perhaps the entire Bible.  Judas has just fought a battle and looks at his dead.  Guess what he discovers?  All the dead have on them amulets sacred to the idols of another God.  Well, that’s not allowed.  No wonder they died in battle – they deserved to.  Imagine that, all the amulet wearers died in battle but none of the others did (as far as we know). Am I supposed to find this at all believable?  Well …. I don’t.  This isn’t hard to believe.  This is so corny it wouldn’t be accepted in a Hollywood script.  This would make the guy who wrote “Armageddon” roll his eyes at how insipid it is. 

CHAPTER 13

People fight.  Stuff happens.  They generally go well for Judas. 

This is the part that sounded confusing in Maccabees I.  Now that I’m reading it a second time, it’s just annoying.  Do they have to give us one of the most convoluted periods in Jewish political history twice?

CHAPTER 14

We get a bad guy I can actually pay attention to for a little bit.  He’s Alcimus, a high priest who supported the bad guys previously.  Well, he’s been driven from power and now wants payback.  So he goes to the king to egg on an attack.

The king sends his general, Nicanor, to make the Jews pay. Nicanor ends up negotiating with Judas and signing a treaty.  Well that’s no good.  Alcimus eggs on the king even more, and he tells Nicanor to screw the negotiations. Nicanor isn’t happy – he’s given his word and all – but orders are orders.

There is one bit that I find unintentionally humorous: “But Maccabeus, noticing that Nicanor was more harsh in his dealings with him, and acting with unaccustomed rudeness when they met, concluded that this harshness was not a good sign.”  Yes, thank you Maccabeus.  Thank you for that wonderful insight, Bible reader.  If the guy you’re negotiating with is suddenly harsh and rude, that’s probably a bad sign.

Apparently, Nicanor really gets into his character as the general going back on his word.  The opening parts don’t make him seem so bad, but now he goes out of his way to be a dick.  He says he’ll destroy God’s altar and build a shrine to Dionysus.  He kills a pro-Jewish man named Razis. (It’s unclear if he’s actually Jewish.  It sounds like he’s not born to the tribe, but believes in it). 

Actually, the story of Razis death is incredibly gory.  He’s determined to die of his own hands before they can arrest him.  The Bible calls it, “preferring to die nobly” so it’s an open endorsement of suicide in this case.  Well, he tries stabbing himself, but in the rush of events he bungles it.  Bleeding, he jumps out the window before the troops can get to him.  But he survives.  He’s so annoyed, that he stands on a rock, sticks his hands in his wounds (from where he stabbed himself, I guess), and …. (wait for it) …  rips out his own entrails and flings them at people! 

Holy crud.  This reads like the script to one of those Final Destination movies, where the point is to be grossed out at the inventive ways people die. 

CHAPTER 15

Nicanor is by now an utter dick – “a thrice-accused wretch” he’s called.  He’s also really cocky of victory.  Yeah, if this were a Hollywood script, this would be a sign of bad character portrayal.  He initially didn’t seem too bad.  He initially was even concerned about how strong Judah’s forces are.  Now he’s gone the opposite way – utter dick, and completely contemptuous. 

I suppose you can reconcile that.  He had some internal misgivings and doubts, but once committed to a line of action – he had to commit.  To make a terrible analogy, at the outset of the Civil War, southern Illinois Democratic politician Joshua Logan was an opponent of Republican policies and very sympathetic to the South.  But when the Civil War began he had to make a decision on where he stood.  He was politically silent for months, but when he finally spoke up, he became a supporter of the war.  He really threw himself into it, too.  He became a general, raised troops, joined the GOP, and became a staunch supporter of much he’d once opposed.  I suppose Nicanor had to undergo a similar change when he was told to tear up his treaty.

Maybe so, but the Bible writer should’ve at least done a better job explaining it.

Anyhow, they fight.  Judas’s army wins big.  Nicanor dies.  It’s just like what we saw in Maccabees I. 

But I will say this – the book ends in a legitimately charming fashion.  The end of Chapter 15 is a brief epilogue where the writer says hopefully you’ve enjoyed the tale.  If you haven’t, I apologize for it, but it’s the best I can do. I’ve said all along, the Bible is best when it’s at its most human, and you see the human behind the words peak out there.  I don’t like his celebration of mass murder earlier, but that was a charming end.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

The two Maccabees books are less than the sum of their parts.  There is too much overlap and twice telling of a tale.

That said, there is surprising lack of overlap as well.  It isn’t nearly as much as I would’ve guessed, given that the eras don’t fully overlap and this one has a different, more religious, focus. 

The religious morality gets laid on too thick at times.  OK, I guess would should expect that in the Bible, but it is laid on thick at times.  Also, it highlights the almost complete lack of it in Macabees I.  Oh, there are clear good guys and bad guys there, and the good/bad breaks along religious lines, but it’s all  human action.  There are plenty of divine actions here.  You also get several martyrdom tales, which I don’t think I’ve seen so far in the Old Testament.

I guess this is a more enjoyable book than the previous one.  Both are problematic, though.

Click here to begin the Book of Job.

Maccabees II: Chapters 6 to 11

Last time, Maccabees II began.

CHAPTER 6

Now we get into the central conflict of early Maccabees I: the attempt by evil King Antiochus to destroy Judaism.  Again, it’s weird reading about Hellenization as an evil thing.  Usually, the spread of Greek culture in the generations after Alexander the Great is seen as a good thing, because we owe so much from that culture.  Aye, but we also owe a lot to the Jews, so seeing one trying to force out the other makes the Greeks the bad guys. 

But it’s still a little funny to read a sentence like, “It was obvious, therefore, that disaster had befallen [the Jews]” when “disaster” means “Greek culture.” 

This book clearly has a different writer than Maccabees I, though. This guy is probably a priest.  Aside from the greater interest in the Temple, this guy also gives us much thicker, clearer moral statements about what is going on.  Here, we’re explicitly told that God is punishing the Jews for their sins by inflicting Greek culture upon them.  But, in a bit of a tangent, the moralistic writer tells us to never fear.  For while God might be upset with his people, he’ll never fully withdraw his mercy from them.  They might be stuck eating gyros for a while, but it won’t last forever.

And then we get something most unexpected from the Old Testament: martyrdom.  Usually, that’s more a Christian thing.  But here it’s going on with Jews.  A good scribe named Eleazer is supposed to eat pork, but he refuses.  He’s even taken aside and told, look – just pretend to eat pork.  You don’t actually have to do it.  Never!  This is martyrdom at its purest.  He’s been given an easy out, he can avoid being harassed and still not violate the law, but he won’t take the easy out.  He’ll make his stand.  And so he is killed. 

I’m reminded of a line longtime Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels once said about the bizarre Late Night TV wars when Conan O’Brien bolted from NBC.  Michaels didn’t quite get O’Brien’s whole approach, and thought he should’ve been willing to move back by a half-hour.  It’s just a half-hour, after all.  Michaels though it might be some Irish Catholic martyrdom complex, but said he didn’t understand it because “Jews don’t do martyrdom.”  Well, this book isn’t in the Jewish Bible after all.

CHAPTER 7

It’s an entire chapter of nothing but martyrs.  It’s a mother and her seven sons, all of whom are making the same stand as Eleazer – death before pork!  This story is pretty clearly apocryphal.  Not only is it really extreme in all its details, but none of the characters have any names.  It’s just the mother and her seven sons.

One by one they are all told that they can be saved a horrible death if they just agree to eat pork.  One by one they all refuse.  You get details on each one.  None are allowed to die easily, either.  They are tortured to death.  For example, the first one has his tongue cut out, his scalp cut off, his hands and feet chopped off – and he gets to live through all this.  Still breathing, he’s cast into fire.  Naturally, his mom and brothers all see this.  Then they all go through it, one after the other.  One offers his hands to the tortures to be cut off.  Dude, that’s so gangster.  The mom is the toughest of all.  Not only does she watch all her kids get maimed and killed, but she urges them to keep the faith throughout.

Interestingly, we get a notion of the afterlife here as well.  The fourth brother says, “It is my choice to die at the hands of mortals with the hope that God will restore me to life, but for you, there will be no resurrection to life.”  So you have a sense what popular Jewish beliefs were about the great beyond.  You don’t see that in the Torah, but it’s not too surprising.  Again, Jesus shouldn’t have completely come out of nowhere.  His belief in an afterlife was outgrowth of folk belief of the people he lived around. 

CHAPTER 8

Now we get back on track with the politics and military stuff.  Judas Maccabeus leads the Jews in fighting.  We’re told that God’s wrath now changed to mercy for the Jews, so they start winning battles.  You didn’t see nearly this much moralism in the first book of Maccabees. 

The battles are just the stuff we saw last time.  It’s worth noting how devout the army is.  At one point they are chasing their enemy, but have to break off because it was the day before the Sabbath, and had to be ready for it.  Actually, I think there is some interesting fun with translations going on here.  From what I know, classic Jewish belief is that the Sabbath (and all days) begins at nightfall. So Judas is stopping his army because Sabbath begins at dusk. But the Bible translates it as “the day before” because that’s easier to understand without getting into a needless aside about when days begin.  (Though it could handle it in a footnote.  Well, maybe I’m wrong about nightfall beginning the day, but I don’t think I’m wrong).

CHAPTER 9

The bad guys dies.  Again.  King Antiochus dies.  It’s a little different from Maccabees I, but not really.  There, he gets ill and repents for how he treats the Jews.  He does that here, too – eventually.

When he first falls ill (with “excruciating pains in this bowels and sharp internal torment.  Bummer) he is enraged, and rages against the Jews.  But he gets much, much worse.  His body starts rotting, worms start devouring him – gross! – and he raises up an all-mighty stench.  The writer is delighting in this, noting what a huge ego he once had.  Well, finally having received his royal comeuppance, he repents.  He writes a letter to the Jews, totally changing his course with them.  Then he dies “a miserable death.” 

CHAPTER 10

Time to purify the temple.  The intro to this book says it covers the story of Hannakuh.  I’m really not sure where it is, though.  The opening chapter had the story of the magic light.  And this has the story of an eight day celebration of purifying the temple – and it’s written that this should be celebrated every year from now on.  But I don’t see the two really being combined.  There is no light talk here, and I didn’t see eight days mentioned earlier.  This is likely my failure as a reader.

Well, the temple is purified but as any good reader of Maccabees I knows, the death of that first bad guy just opens the door for more bad guys.  And we get them.  The rest of the chapter is just some more military stuff that we already went over.  Short version: Judas wins.

Oh wait, there is one detail worth noting.  We get another miracle.  Yeah, there are plenty of those in this chapter.  And it’s the favorite miracle of the chapter – a mystical horseman.  Actually, five horsemen.  They ride above the battle leading on the Jews.  No wonder they win.  Again – this is not the same writer we had I the previous book. 

CHAPTER 11

More military stuff.  Oh, we get another mystical horseman. Naturally, he helps the Jews win in battle.  It sure would ruin the point if a mystical horseman showed up and got his ass kicked by the other side. 

Much of this chapter is just a series of letters to the Jews from various leaders of the era.  It is boring.

Click here for the final chapters of Maccabees II.

Proverbs: Chapters 15 to 31

Last time, Proverbs began.  Now for the rest of it:

CHAPTER 15

This one starts off strong.  The first verse: “A mild answer turns back wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Yeah, that’s some nice advice, and it’s good to start the chapter off strong.  As some filmmakers have noted, if you want to have a good film, have a great first reel, a great final reel, and you can coast a bit in between.

Later we here, “A soothing tongue is a tree of life” which is another similar point, well made.

There is a key bit of religious news here: “The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is a delight.”  There are two contrasting themes of religion in the Bible – acts versus faith.  Much of the Bible, especially the book of Leviticus prioritizes action.  If you did something wrong, you atone for it by sacrificing the proper animal at the temple.  It’s a nice cut-and-dry approach.  Other times, it’s your faith that matters.  It’s similar to the classic Protestant-Catholic divide of faith versus works.  This proverb if fully on the Protestant-faith side over Leviticus-Catholics on works.  (Then again, if you downplay acts too much, you can fall into idolatry as Solomon – the reputed author of these proverbs – did). 

Here’s a weird one: “All the days of the poor are evil, but a good heart is a continual feast.”  It’s not calling the poor evil.  There is a longstanding tradition of mercy for the poor, but that sure could be better expressed.

“Better a dish of herbs where love is than a fatted ox and hatred with it.”  That’s a nice line.  Speaking of nice lines, later you get this one: “Folly is joy to the senseless.”  Man, I like that one a lot.

CHAPTER 16

There are some really good points in this one as well.  “All one’s ways are pure in one’s own eyes.”  Yup – everyone is the hero in their own life story. 

There is a nice line for Calvinists and other believers in predestination here: “The Lord has made everything for a purpose, even the wicked for the evil day.”  That second part is a bit harsh, but still – God has a master plan.  Those are some nice words for your local John Calvin.

“Better a little with justice than a large income with injustice.”  So the Bible says you’re better off being a poor schlub than Donald Trump.  That’s an actual question, but the way – if you could have all of Donald Trump’s stuff but end up acting and being just like Donald Trump, would you take it?  (Five years ago or so, I figured that wouldn’t be so bad, but the more he shows of himself the more an obnoxious asshole he comes off as).

There is an entire section here on kings, as we’re told wrongdoing is an abomination to the king, the king takes delight in honesty, the king has wrath but a wise person can pacify him.  OK, remember – these proverbs supposedly came from Solomon himself.  And he’s describing himself not only in these good terms.  Actually, they are quite a bit more than good terms.  They are godly terms.  Think about it: God loves justice, and honesty, and hates wrongdoing.  God has wrath.  Solomon is clearly comparing himself to God here.  That’s a dick thing to do – get over yourself.  I actually really like a lot of these proverbs; they’re better than I expected.  But still, implicitly comparing yourself to God is not a good idea.

Oh, and then we get a really famous one.  Well, famous-ish: “Pride goes before disaster, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”   I’m familiar with pride goes before a fall, and this is clearly the long form version of it.  I bet the shorter version is later in the Bible, probably in the New Testament. 

Right after that we learn, “It is better to be humble with the poor than to share the plunder with the proud.”  Yeah, if this king thing doesn’t work out for Solomon, he can make a living for himself writing song lyrics.  Well, maybe he’s too deep for that.  Fortune cookies, perhaps.

CHAPTER 17

This one gets off to a slow start, but has some nice lines later on.

“The wicked pursue only rebellion.”  Reading this as the US seems to be headed for a debt default crisis, it rings truer than I’d like.  There is a rebellion by the House to ruin the world’s economy unless the election results of 2012 are annulled.  That’s bull.

“Whoever overlooks an offense fosters friendship, but whoever gossips about it separates it.”  This is one I always have to work on.  I’m gossipy by nature, and it’s not something I’m proud of.  It’s never caused any serious issues or problems.  I guess I follow this when it counts.  Or I don’t get out enough.

OK, this one I really got a kick out of: “Whoever conceives a fool has grief; the father of a numbskull has no joy.”  HA!  Nothing worse than having a dumb son.  That’s hilarious.  I don’t really think it’s fair, though.  There are plenty of guys who are good, honest hard workers who aren’t necessarily that bright.  But they are good people.   So this proverb is a great read, but isn’t very good when you think about it. 

“A joyful heart is the health of the body, but a depressed spirit dries up the bones.”  Those are words to live by.  It’s something I always have to work on, being a depressed pessimist by nature.

CHAPTER 18

This was the opposite of the last one for me – the only parts I found notable were early on. 

The first verse is really good: “One who is alienated seeks a pretext, with all persistence picks a quarrel.”  That sounds about right?  Ever been in a really bad mood?  All you want to do is lash out.

Along those lines, you get this verse: “The lips of fools walk into a fight, and their mouths are asking for a beating.”  That’s a roughhousing Bible verse there, talking about fights and beatings.  But it fits with the previous one for me, because when you lash out just for the sake of lashing out – don’t you know you’re in the wrong when you do it?  You often have a verbal beating coming.  Hopefully, you don’t do it that often, so when it does happen, people give you some space. 

I really like how this one is phrased: “The words of one’s mouth are deep waters, the spring of wisdom a running brook.”  I don’t entirely get what that means, but I like it.

CHAPTER 19

This one starts out with some conflicting views on poverty and wealth: “Better to be poor and walk in integrity than rich and crooked in one’s way.”  OK, that’s nice.  That’s the attitude you expect about poverty.  But a little later you get, “Wealth adds many friends, but the poor are left friendless.”  I read that and wonder if I’m missing something.  OK, so the Bible isn’t anti-wealth.  That’s fine.  And I’d agree that it’s better to be wealthy than poor, no doubt.  But does being poor really mean you’re friendless?  And do you really want friends who come around because you have wealth?

In fact, a little later, it gets even meaner: “All the king of the poor despise them; how much more do their friends shun them!”  Man, this is just pissing on the poor at this point.

Here’s a good one: “It is good sense to be slow to anger, and an honor to overlook an offense.”  Remember folks: don’t sweat the small stuff.  It’s in the Bible.

“A quarrelsome wife is water constantly dripping.”  Heh.  That one got a laugh.

“Discipline your son, for there is hope;” – OK, so far, so good:  “but do not be intent on his death.”  Um… what?  I just, I just – what? 

“The sluggard buries a hand in the dish, not even lifting it to the mouth.”  Table manners – approved by God.  Now you know.

“Rods are prepared for scoffers, and blows for the backs of fools.”  Well, it’s good to know that everything has its place.  Also, the Bible approves of physical punishment. 

CHAPTER 20

“Wine is arrogant, strong drink is riotous, none who are intoxicated by them are wise.”  Well what do you know – the Bible does condemn alcohol after all.  This must be the official Bible verse of the WCTU.  OK, so it isn’t condemning all alcohol (just getting drunk) but this can clearly be used by the dry forces.

“The terror of a king is like the roar of a lion; those who incur his anger forfeit their lives.”  So John Adams, Tom Paine, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson all deserve to die then.

“A person gains honor by avoiding strife while every fool starts a quarrel.”  There is a long theme here about keeping your mouth shut and avoiding trouble. 

“Do not love sleep lest you be reduced to poverty.”  Much of the Bible’s Proverbs would really be at home in Poor Richard’s Almanac, wouldn’t it?

“One can put on gold and abundant jewels but wise lips are the most precious ornament.”  There is another top-notch fortune cookie sentiment.  I shouldn’t mock it like that – this one is really well put.

“Do not say, `I will repay evil!’ Wait for the Lord, who will help you.”  So don’t feel like you’ll have to be moral avenger all the time.  I like that sentiment.  If you get too caught up trying to give people payback, you’ll be the one who deserves some payback. 

CHAPTER 21

There are a couple themes in this chapter.  First, quarrelsome wives suck.  You’re better off dwelling “in a corner of the housetop” than in a mansion with a quarrelsome wife, and your better of dwelling “in the wilderness” with one.  There are no similar proverbs about quarrelsome husbands, but then again husbands are supposed to set the agenda back then.  It’s more troubling that there is nothing here against abusive husbands. 

Also, we get a few proverbs with central theological interest: “To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice” and “The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination, the more so when they offer it with bad intent.”  There was something similar in Chapter 15, and I’ll note the same point here: this is prioritizing the inner religious experience instead of the outer one.  Many parts of the Bible – I’m looking at you Leviticus! – are hard to relate to now because they are entirely dependent on rituals of religion, more than personal belief.  (And many of those rituals have long sense been abandoned, so why bother?)  Modern religion is more about the inner experience, so you see the shift right here. 

Oh, and “the love of wine and perfume will never be rich” so there is another proverb for the WCTU.

CHAPTER 22

“Rich and poor have a common bond: the Lord is the maker of them all.” A nice sentiment, and one that offers Biblical justification for human equality.  The monotheistic religion of the ancient Israeli gives all humans a basic dignity.  God, who is all-powerful, made us and cares for us, thus we are all – high and low – worthy of being cared for. We are all made in his image.

“The result of humility and fear of the Lord is riches, honor, and life.”  I know I’m not a fan of the Prosperity Gospel approach, where you combine profit and holiness as it’s one and the same, but I can see the link between living well and loving God.  If you love God, you’ll act proper.  You’ll work hard, you’ll not get too swell headed, and profits will result.  After all, why would God want his people – especially his faithful people – to suffer?  And you can find some core values here that can be used in life in general.  (As I’ve repeatedly noted, these proverbs are like Ben Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanac, which was essentially a self-help book to get ahead).  Where prosperity gospel goes wrong is putting too much emphasis on wealth.

“Those who sow iniquity reap calamity.”  Yup.  Some of these I don’t have much to say about, but I just really like them.

“the person of winning speech has a king for a friend.”  So take yourself one of those Dale Carnegie courses on public speaking – it’s not just effective, but it puts you closer to God!

“Oppressing the poor for enrichment, giving to the rich: both are sheer loss.”  Eat it, Paul Ryan!  

Oh, and somewhat randomly, two-thirds the way through the chapter, we get the end to the Solomon section of Proverbs where its just a series of random fortune cookie like statements.  Now we get a section called, “Sayings of the Wise.”  It’s a bit more connected that the last 12 or so chapters worth of sayings, but nothing in this initial batch really struck me too much.  The best line is, “Do not be friendly with hotheads.”  Well, that depends on how you define hotheads, now doesn’t it?  Some hotheads are worth befriending. It’s a negative character trait to be sure, but we all have negative character traits.

CHAPTER 23

This section still reads more connected than the previous bits, though I really can’t say there is any overall theme.  Early on, the writer keeps telling us “Do not” do [item X].  Later on he asks a series of rhetorical questions.

Much of the themes covered here have already been stated.  It all reminds me of the Seven Deadly Sins. I’ve always wondered where those things came from –maybe from Proverbs. 

Lets’ see: Gluttony? Check.  We’ve seen that nailed several times.  This chapter says, “Do not join with wine bibbers, not those who glut themselves of meat.”  There – it even says glut.

Pride? Check.  You’re supposed to know humility and fear God.  Others will get their comeuppance.

Idleness.  Oh, that’s repeatedly nailed.  Again, much of proverbs reads like a self-help book.

Greed?  You don’t see that one smacked around as much, but parts tell us to treat the poor well. 

Anger, envy, lust – I really haven’t seen those too much.  I guess a little, if you stretch it.  But I supposed that the seven deadlies are more a Christian thing.  Maybe I’ll run into them head on in the New Testament.  Probably not.  My hunch is that it’ll turn out to be interpretation, rather than any direct Biblical verse. 

We’re given an open statement in support of physical punishment of children in this chapter: “Do not withhold discipline from youths; if you beat them with the rod, they will not die.  Beat them with the rod, and you wills save them from Sheol.”  That doesn’t quite fit modern sensibilities, but even in this day and age, spanking kids happens and isn’t likely to result in any problems for the parents. 

We’re also given another section denouncing alcohol intake.  So yes, there is Biblical justification again for the dry movement.

CHAPTER 24

Much of this just tells us how great wisdom is.  It is to the mind what honey is to the tongue.

Oh, we get this nice statement, too: “Do not rejoice when your enemies fall, and when they stumble, do not let your heart exalt.”  It’s hard to argue against that sentiment – it sure is a dick move to do that.  Then again, it sure is hard to follow that sentiment, because it so often feels so good to do this dick move.  In fact, I’ll point out that the Bible itself has trouble living up to this one.  Plenty of Biblical heroes take delight in their enemies falling.  Heck, most of the psalms attributed to David do this. 

“For disaster will issue suddenly, and calamity from them both, who knows when.”  Two things: first, you can see how the sayings in this chapter flow into each other more than many previous chapters.  The other ones I can quote on their own a lot more cleanly than it works here.  Second, though you’re hitting a statement midway in, it still sounds like a good point.  Disaster can hit you at any time, and you’ll never know why – so act well.

The last third of this chapter is “Further Sayings of the Wise.”  Oh, apparently Proverbs wasn’t a randomly enough assembled chapter or something.  Really, Bible? 

We do get some nice wisdom: “Complete your outdoor tasks, and arrange your work in the field, afterward you can build your house.”  I look at that one mostly as an allegory; an allegory about the importance of prioritization. 

“Do not say, `As they did to me, so I will do to them, I will repay them according to their deeds.’”  Remember everyone – take the high road.  It’s no fun, but it’s a good idea.

CHAPTER 25

This is a new section, called the SOLOMONIC COLLECTION COLECTED UNDER KING HEZEKIAH.  King Hezekiah ruled from 715 to 687 BC, after the destruction of the northern kingdom.  So though it’s called Solomonic, it has nothing to do with Solomon.

And they do read different.  It has a different feel, with proverbs like: “Golden apples in silver settings are words spoken at the proper time.”  That’s more like something I’d expect from a Daoist philosopher from China than here. 

The top part is all about how awesome kings are, and how you should act in their presence, but it gradually shifts to general advice.  There is one nice one in the kingly part: “For it is better to be told, `Come up closer!’ than to be humbled before the prince.”  That’s nice advice.  Rather than assume the boss wants you up front, let the boss say in front of everyone you should be there. 

Here is another good one: “By patience is a ruler persuaded and a soft tongue can break a bone.”  It’s technically about a ruler, but it’s just nice advice in general.  Patience and waiting out the storms can really help. 

CHAPTER 26

This is a mean spirited chapter.  The entire first part is a series of attacks and denouncements upon fools.  “The whip for the horse, the bridle for the ass, and the rod for the backs of fools.”  Or: “As dogs return to their vomit, so fools repeat their folly.”  My favorite: “Answer fools according to their folly, lest they become wise in their own eyes.”  So according to this, it’s right and proper to treat fools with insults and contempt.

This is the flip side of the Biblical interest in wisdom, but it’s unnecessary.  You can love wisdom without hating those that lack it.  Some wisdom should be tempered with mercy for your fellow man.  Or, to put it another way, true wisdom should come with a sense of humility and common humanity, whereas whoever wrote this wants upon season on the stupid. 

It eventually moves on from fools to sluggards and various other baddies.  But it’s mostly a chapter full of insults.

CHAPTER 27

I really didn’t get much out of this one.  The bets line came early on: “Let another praise you, not your own mouth.” 

Much of the rest is long winded and didn’t do much for me.  For example: “When the grass comes up and the new growth appears, and the mountain greens are gathered in, the lambs will provided you with clothing, and the goat, the price of a field, and there will be ample goat’s milk for your food, food for your house, sustenance, for your maidens.”  I guess it’s an allegory about how you will be fine when the seasons come, but it falls flat with me. 

CHAPTER 28

A lot of the verses here sound like they came from a poor man.  For instance, “Whoever amasses wealth by interest and overcharge gathers it for the one who is kind to the poor.”  The author of this may not be poor himself, but he sure as hell isn’t a banker.

Later on, we get an even more rabble-rousing message: “The rich are wise in their own eyes, but the poor who are intelligent see through them.”  Yeah, I don’t think that proverb writer voted for Mitt Romney. 

We also get an attack on rulers, “The less prudent the rulers, the more oppressive their deeds.” There is just a general distrust of authority in this chapter.  Not all the verses are like that, but the ones that I found memorable sure were.

CHAPTER 29

At this point, a lot of Proverbs read like the older ones.  They are all saying about the same thing as previous ones. 

You do get an even more direct series of proverbs endorsing physical punishment of children – and also of servants. We’ve seen proverbs like this before, but we get a little run of them here  “The rod of correction gives wisdom.”  “Not by words alone can servants be trained.”  And so on.

I like this line: “Haughtiness brings humiliation.”  I don’t know if it always works out like that in practice, but I hope so.  The haughty sure do need to be humiliated. 

CHAPTER 30

This is a fun chapter, but and I’m not I got much out of it or really understood it.

It’s titled: “Sayings of Agur and Others,” and I have no idea who this Agur fellow is, but he sure speaks with a distinctive voice.  It begins with a litany of who weary and tired he is, and implores the Lord to keep falsehood far from him, and let him live with the food he needs but nothing more.

There are a bunch of stylized sections to this chapter.  It’s far from the series of brief fortune cookie sayings that make up most of Proverbs.  After the opening bit on weariness, you get the “There are some” section in which he notes various types of sinners and ill-do’ers.  For example, “There are some – their teeth are swords, their teeth are knives, devouring the needy from the earth and the poor from the human race.” 

Then come the three-fours.  “Three things are too wonderful for me, yes four I cannot understand.”  You get a whole series of these things.  Its really more poetry than classical proverbs.  Some are nice.  I especially like the one on four small things that are very wise – ants, for storing food; badgers for making their homes in crags; locusts: “they have no king, yet the march forth in formation,” and lizards: “you can catch them with your hands, yet they find their way into kings palaces.”  Heh. 

Again, I’m not really sure what any of it means, but it’s fun. 

CHAPTER 31

This is a two-part chapter.  The first part is some sayings attributed to King Leumel, whoever that is.  Actually, they are advice his mother gave him.  Much of it is about booze.  Kings shouldn’t have it, for it clouds their minds.  But those dying and suffering should, because it’ll take their minds off of their misery.  Yeah, this advice isn’t that great.  A suffering person can get a momentary relief from alcohol, but booze sure isn’t a solution for depression.  This advice can lead to alcoholism, as the more a person turns to the bottle for solutions, the worse things can get.

But the mom ends with some really good advice for how a king should handle his obligations.  I’ll quote it directly: “Open your mouth in behalf of the mute, and for the right of the destitute; Open your mouth, judge justly, defend the needy and the poor!”  Now that’s a king we can vote for!

The rest of the chapter is a poem about the ideal woman.  She is practical, fears God, goes about her obligations, and helps out.  It’s a nice little poem and it shows the main theme of proverbs – wisdom.  The ideal woman is a very wise woman.  After all, we’re told “Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting.”  Wisdom is all that matters.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

I liked this book more than I expected to.  True, it does often sound all the same, as it gets repetitive.  It’s weird reading much of the early parts if it is indeed attributed to Solomon. 

But it has a lot of good advice and smart wisdom.  I was struck by how much it reminded me of Poor Richard’s Almanac by Benjamin Franklin.  That was more about how you try to get along in this world, not the next. But then again, getting by in this world isn’t really in opposition to being religious.

The main thing in this book is the central, crucial value placed on wisdom.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  This is, after all, a holy book.  You’d expect a cardinal virtue to be obedience or faith or something more like that.  But here, it’s using your brain and going about your actions appropriately.  The religious can use this – fearing God is considered to be the cornerstone of all wisdom in this book.  Then again, I found myself thinking about how this mirrors Greek thought.  We typically see the Greeks as the founders of rational thought based on powers of the mind, but in this Bible book you can see a similar approach.  By celebrating the power of the mind and human wisdom, this book – perhaps unintentionally – helps open the door to a very different worldview.  If it’s true that Solomon was the driving force behind these Proverbs, then he really does have an impressive lasting legacy; arguably even more impressive than that of his father, David.  

Click here for the beginning of Ecclesiastes.