Chronicles I: Chapters 1 to 9

Last time, Kings II came to an end.  Now for the next book:

CHAPTER 1

Here it is – Chronicles.  The two Books of Chronicles are books people only read if they’re trying to read the entire Bible. They are a new historical bit, but not nearly as interesting as the ones I just got through.  The Jewish Bible puts these books at the end.  Yeah, I can see why they’d do that.  Richard Elliot Friedman indicates in “Who Wrote the Bible” that they were compiled by the P author from the Torah.  Interesting, though the footnotes here say something different. 

At any rate, as boring as these books are, they are never more boring than they are in the early chapters.  These are entirely devoted to a list of begottings.  Even worse, it just covers the begottings of a bunch of people we already heard about.  You get nine full chapters of mind-numbing boredom.  Some names are famous, but most are utterly forgettable.  It’s a nightmare.

Chapter 1 is going over the big guys from Genesis.  You go from Adam to Abraham and then beyond him to Jacob.

CHAPTER 2

OK, now for the second bunch of begots.  This starts with the 12 children of Jacob, and the next several chapters will take us through the 12 tribes.  This one goes through Judah.

One thing I know.  These lists of begots later comes in handy in trying to answer a riddle from the New Testament.  Two of the gospels begin with a list of ancestry of Jesus, but they don’t agree fully.  From David to Jesus, one version has more names than the other.  Did one cut names out or did the other pad names in?  The former.  Because you can compare the list of begots with Chronicles and see what was left out.  The guy who cut names out was going for a pattern.  Every X-number of generations, he wanted a really big name to appear, and he needed to cut some out to make it fit perfectly.

I don’t know if the solution to the David-to-Jesus riddle is in this chapter.  Probably not, but I don’t really want to pay close enough attention to find out.  Boring stuff, people, boring stuff. 

CHAPTER 3

This is a short chapter that just goes over the descendents of David.  He had six sons during the war.  After it, he had four sons to Bathsheba, and nine sons to other wives, and then we’re told that doesn’t include sons from concubines. 

Oh, and the lineage goes all the way to the fall of the southern kingdom – and beyond. You get 10 generations of descendents after the fall.  The footnote says that assuming 25 years per generation, this means that Chronicles were written around 405 BC.  So that goes against what I read in “Who Wrote the Bible” but the footnote has a good point. 

CHAPTER 4

We go back to the tribe of Judah.  (Technically, we never left, as David was part of the tribe, but now we’re back in the mainstream of it). 

Then we shift to the tribe of Simeon.  There isn’t much more to say about it – but the Chronicler goes on for 43 verses somehow. 

CHAPTER 5

Now we get the tribes to the east of the river: Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh.  Then we move on to the House of Levi. 

The closest to interesting it gets comes when we learn that the half-tribe of Manasseh prostituted themselves to foreign gods.  I think the writer is talking of the entire northern kingdom, but he puts it in his discussion of this half-tribe.

CHAPTER 6

We get more Levi. Blink and you’ll miss the name drop of Samuel.  We’re told there is a section of Levi devoted just to singing songs in the Temple. 

CHAPTER 7

Now we move onto Issachar.  We’re told that during the time of David, they had 22,600 men capable of military duty. I don’t recall quite seeing that for previous tribes. (It did say in Chapter 5 that there were 44,760 men of the 2.5 eastern tribes, but it wasn’t time stamped like this one is).  Then we’re told Issachar has 36,000 military men.  So I guess that’s after having 22,600

We then get Benjamin, and they have 61,434 men divided into there different clans.  This is supposed to be the smallest tribe, though.  And it’s not time stamped.  Eh, when confusing numbers are the most interesting part of the chapter, that tells you how dull things are.

Oh, then we get Dan, Naphtali, the rest of Manasseh, Ephraim, and Asher.  Not much info on any of them – but boy I’m not complaining! Asher has 26,000 fit for military service, just a fraction of Benjamin.

CHAPTER 8

More Benjamin.  I’m not sure why we went back to them – but I have one idea. In the midst of this, we get a Saul name-drop.  Most of Chronicles I is on David, so you got to mention his father-in-law.

CHAPTER 9

Now we get the residents of Jerusalem. Duly noted.  Finally, we get to the House of Saul itself, setting us up for the next chapter, which gets us out of the dullness of begottings.  

Click here for the middle part of Chronicles I: Chapters 10 to 19.

Chronicles I: Main Page

Chapters 1 to 9
Chapters 10 to 19
Chapters 20 to 29

Kings II: Chapters 18 to 25

Last time, the northern kingdom went bye.  Now it's the southern kingdom's turn as Kings II comes to an end.

CHAPTER 18

Now we get a new king in Judah – Hezekiah.  He’s the best king by far.  He does everything right.  The previous good kings simply did right by the Lord and followed most of his practices, but still let the altars in the high places stand and people do sacrifices there.  Well guess what?  Hezekiah even puts a stop to that.  He’s the best king  so far.

The Bible writer is a big believer in the centralized practice of religion and a big believer that only the Temple should have sacrifices.  So that’s why the high places are always wrong. 

Oh, and we’re given one other shocking detail.  Hezekiah also destroys a bronze serpent made by Moses.  Wait – what?  He did what?  Why would a king do that?  Why would an apparently great king do that? Well, the next sentence says people were burning incense to it, so that’s the explanation, but there is more to it than that.  The priests of Judea are associated with Aaron; they see themselves as his descendents.  The priests of Israel saw themselves as Moses’ children.  So there is some rivalry like that going on.  The southern priests are less invested in a Moses-related relic. 

Also, we’re told (again) in the middle of this chapter that Israel fell, right in the middle of Hezekiah’s reign.  Well, that helps explain the big desire for reform.  Nothing like the loss of a longstanding kingdom to really put the fear of God into a closely related kingdom. 

I should note that Richard Elliot Friedman argued in his book “Who Wrote the Bible” that many scholars believe that the P source, the author of about half of the Torah (and also the two books of Chronicles) was a priest active in the time of Hezekiah.  I forget if that’s just Friedman’s belief or the prevailing attitude of Biblical scholars).  It makes sense.  He’s the big reformer and the priests love him.  Hezekiah promotes centralized religious services and the priority of the Aaron priests, as does the P source.  So why not write a history of the people that reflects that theology?

The chapter ends on a bleaker note, though.  The Assyrians are coming and want Jerusalem.  They basically ask Hezekiah to kneel before Zod, but he trying to avoid it.  The Assyrian captains point out that if he refuses, Jerusalem will be under siege and “those sitting on the wall, who, with you, will have to eat their own excrement and drink their urine.”  Some detail!  Keep in mind that Jerusalem will be under a heavy siege.  Assuming that this really was written during Hezekiah’s reign, the author survived the siege and those details he gives here aren’t just words to gross us out, but something that actually happened. 

The chapter ends with a big showdown coming between Assyria and Judea.  It’ll be a real make-or-break moment in the history of world religions. 

CHAPTER 19

OK, this is a famous one.  Here a new character takes the stage – Isaiah, the prophet who later gets his own (long) Bible book.  The leaders of Judah are horrified by the situation of the Assyrians.  They don’t think they can beat the Assyrians, but don’t want to lose their kingdom either.  So the leaders are tearing their garments and in sackcloth.  The Assyrians are pretty damn cocky about things.  They note all the other people they’ve beaten and all of their gods couldn’t stand up to them – what makes the god of the Israelites any better?  Bah! 

Enter Isaiah.  He tells them the good news – stand by God and all will be good.  This is literally an answer to their prayers, as Hezekiah prayed to God for guidance.  Isaiah gives them assurance and then that night the Angel of the Lord takes off and slays 185,000 Assyrians.  The survivors hightail it out of there.  Hurrah!

This is a big moment, no doubt.  Years ago I read a book called “What If?” – a series of alternative histories discussing how the world would be if some battles went the other way.  The author looking at this chapter made a provocative point – if this battle goes the other way, monotheism might’ve been strangled in its cradle.  Y’know, that’s a really good point. 

Also, this is a great moment in the history of trying to date the Bible.  This is the first clearly confirmable event.  We have no Egyptian records of the 10 plagues or the Red Sea parting.  We have no records of Joshua stopping the sun.  But we do have the Assyrian military record of this campaign.  It happened in 701 BC, which serves as a stating point for everyone trying to date all previous Biblical events. 

The record is the military commander’s official report to the emperor on what happened.  Some main points are agreed on.  Jerusalem was under siege but did not fall.  However, there are no 185,000 deaths in one night.  He missed that. You’d think he’d at least have to explain their deaths to the king, right?  Apparently, it didn’t happen.  But what’s interesting is his language.  He says he had the leaders of Judah trapped like a bird in a cage.  It’s a nice bit of bragging line, but covers up the fact that you don’t put a city under siege to trap it but to take it – and he didn’t take it.  He did raid the countryside, but never did take it.

CHAPTER 20

This is a beautiful chapter.  It’s really wonderful, and has a bit extra meaning to me because someone I knew quoted it.

No, it was no one I ever met, but someone I got to know online: John Brattain.  John was a devout Christian and big baseball fan that spread his humor and warmth for years on the Baseball Think Factory website and (like myself) wrote regular articles at The Hardball Times. 

He also had serious health problem.  I don’t know the exact nature of his health problems, but he had some serious health issues in his 20s (he might’ve suffered a stroke; something like that), but survived.  However, in his early 40s, his health took a turn for a worse and he died during heart surgery a few years ago. 

As his health was failing and he spent time in and out of the hospital, John Brattain quoted a bit from Chapter 20 of Kings II in an email on the Hardball Times listserve. 

King Hezekiah, the great reformer king, is dying.  Isaiah has already told him that he won’t recover.  Hezekiah prays to God, “remember how faithfully and wholeheartedly I conducted myself in your presence, doing what was good in your sight!” and then he broke down weeping.  Then God offers his reply (via Isaiah, of course) – presented in verse form:

I have heard your prayer;

I have seen y our tears

Now I am healing you

On the third day you shall go up

To the house of the Lord

I will add to your life fifteen years

That’s the part John Brattain quoted.  He was in his 40s with two daughters in their late teens and he was dying.  But instead of becoming bitter, he thought back to how he nearly died before.  He felt the years since his first medical meltdown had been a gift from the Lord – the same way God gave Hezekiah a gift of these 15 years. 

That’s beautiful and touching – both John’s attitude and the Bible verse itself.  And it’s one of the greatest defenses of religion I can think of.  It gives someone dying young solace, a reason for hope, and a sense of perspective.  Yeah, as a non-believer I can be good a being rational in all my interpretations of the Bible as everything else, but that won’t provide many moments of grace like this one.

Even if you ignore John’s story, this story here is just a touching thing of beauty.  Too often in the Old Testament God comes off like a nasty piece of work.  But this is the sort of God you want to believe in; a caring and kind God – one who actually answers the prayer of the good man facing tough times.

Oh, and the rise in three days thing serves as nice foreshadowing for Christians.  Wouldn’t you know it? Isaiah shows up and we get Christ foreshadowing.  

Oh, and the chapter goes on from there, too.  When Hezekiah hears that God has given him extra time, he asks Isaiah for a sign from God to prove it.  And he gets one, as Isaiah makes his shadow move 10 paces backwards.  No, it’s not much of a miracle but guess what?  It’s the last actual miracle in the Old Testament; well not including Biblical fan-fic like Jonah or Daniel.  This is the last time the main narrative has a miracle. 

CHAPTER 21

Well, Hezekiah’s extra 15 years have ended and now his son Manasseh is king.  He’s an evil king.  Actually, he’s the first one of those since Queen Athaliah killed almost all of her nephews and reigned for six years.  But that was (by my reckoning) 180 years before Manasseh.  So that was quite a nice stretch of good kings Judah had.  It seems strange that their unbroken 180 years of quality kings would end right after the most righteous king of all.  Did Hezekiah fall down in raising his spawn?  Is this some sort of post-adolescent rebellion? Check that – he’s 12 years old when he’s king – make that adolescent rebellion?

Whatever the cause, he is the worst king that Judah ever had.  He even sets up altars to Baal, something previously only seen in the (now gone) northern kingdom of Israel – and even there only way back in the time of Ahab.  He brings back soothsaying, divination, consulting of ghosts, and even the immolation of children.  What a worthless shit!  In fact, the Bible flatly states, “Manasseh misled [the Jews] into doing even greater evil than the nations the Lord had destroyed at the coming of the Israelites.”  Oh, so we’re doing worse than the pre-Joshua people. 

And this is why the people of Judah are doomed.  God decides he will punish them, just as he had punished the northern kingdom.  If they were totally turn away from him, they he’ll totally turn away from them. 

Manasseh dies but his son Amon is a chip off the old block.  He also abandons the Lord.  But there is a curious end here.  We’re told that the officials plotted against Amon and killed him in the palace, but then “the people of the land then slew all who had plotted against King Amon, and the people of the land made his son Josiah king instead.” 

Hmmm.  Folks, we’re far enough forward in time that the author of the Bible should have a good idea what happened.  The best scholarly opinion is that the historical books of the Bible (including Kings II) were written during the reign of Josiah, and that previous part made Josiah king).  We should be told some more detail on what happened.  Instead, we just get some cryptic lines about how “officials” killed the king and how “the people” slew the officials.  Can we get some names?  All previous cases of royal deaths have given us more attention, but the one the Biblical author actually lived through gets short shrift.  Really, Bible?  Really?  What’s going on here?

CHAPTER 22

Now, for the main event: the reign of Josiah. 

Ultimately, he ends up being an also-ran; a footnote.  But whoever wrote the Bible clearly thinks that Josiah is the biggest thing ever.  This is supposed to be a world-changing event.  Josiah is the confirmation of the law set down by Moses.  He’s paralleled to Moses a few times, including here at the outset when we’re told that Josiah “did what was right in the Lord’s sight, walking in the way of David his father, not turning right of left.”  If I recall correctly, Moses was also said to not turn right of left.

Hell, this is a king whose reign was foretold – by name, mind you – in Chapter 13 of Kings I.  Much of the Josiah show happens in Chapter 23, but a big one happens here: they find a lost book of Moses’ law.

Early in the Chapter, the high priest Hilkiah gives Josiah a lost book of Moses’ law that they just found.  And they read it off, and the king tears his garments, because the children of Israel have done such a bad job living up to it.  He’s determined to make amends for that.

I still remember reading this in my previous go-throughs with the Bible, and it always set off my bullshit detector.  Wait – a lost book of the Bible?  They just now found it?   What’s going on?  Well, scholarly opinion is pretty universal that’s this lost book is Deuteronomy.  In fact, it’s been called the pious fraud as a result.  It’s a book calling for a series of practices that Josiah will carry out. It’s the right book being found at the right time.  Also, all analysis, from linguist to basic stylistic, indicates that Deuteronomy was written by a different hand as the other books of the Torah. 

Oh, and Hilkiah, the high priest who “finds” the book?  He might be the father of the prophet Jeremiah.  At the very least it’s the same name, and they were from similar social circles.  It’s one of the things that helps Richard Elliot Friedman argue that Jeremiah wrote Deuteronomy and compiled the historical books of the Bible, too.

Josiah will do it right, but the end of the book indicates that it’s too late.  God has already made up his mind and will destroy the land.  That’s horrible.  They’re finally going to do it right and pure, and now they’ll be destroyed? 

The end section is put in later.  Much of the historical books were clearly written before the Babylonian Captivity, most obviously where it says “and exists to the present day” about things destroyed during the conquest.  And the big build up that Josiah gets also wouldn’t make any sense – unless it was written during the full bloom of Josiah’s promise.  But then these histories were written culminating in Josiah’s triumph of the proper religion – but it all falls to naught. The author (Jeremiah?) went back and put some spin on the writings to explain what happened.  So you get spin like this.

There are other parts of the narrative clearly foretelling the eventual sad fate of the children of Israel.  Moses warns of it at the end of his big speech in Deuteronomy, Solomon is warned of it when he is king, and it happens in other places as well.  Normally it fits the narrative very well – do well, or else God will let you falter.  But here it completely falls flat and makes God come off horribly.  It’s one thing to say fly right or crash, but here we’re told that even though a king is trying to make the people fly righter than ever before, it won’t make any difference. God will have his punishment instead.  That’s horrible.  If he was angry at them earlier, he should’ve destroyed them then.  This just seems petty.

CHAPTER 23

Here Josiah destroys all the high places where sacrifices occur.  It’s mostly a litany of places destroyed and improper actions stamped out.  Some of these places engaged in child immolation.  There are even references to cult prostitutes. 

Oh, and we go back to Chapter 13 of Kings I.  There, an unnamed Man of God prophesized that a king – Josiah by name – would destroy all the high alters.  Well here they come across a body buried and the king is told it’s the guy who foretold what Josiah would do.  So his remains are left undisturbed. 

Josiah celebrates a Passover unlike anything the people had seen ever under the kings or judges.  It must be the purest one since the time of Moses, or at least Joshua.  This is the culmination.  This is the perfection.  In fact, the Bible says of Josiah, “Before him there had been no king who turned to the Lord as he did, with his whole heart, his whole being, and his whole strength, in accord with the entire Law of Moses; nor did any king like him arise after him.”  This directly parallels what was said of Moses at the end of Deuteronomy – a book perhaps written by the same hand.

But God is still furious with the Israeli?  This is terrible writing.  The author makes God out to be a vengeful jerk.  They’re finally doing things perfectly in accordance with his teachings but instead of celebrating their late learning, God “did not turn from his fiercely burning anger against Judah, because of all the provocations that Manasseh had given.” 

Here is how Jeremiah (or whoever wrote this) should’ve handled it.  God takes pause at seeing the children of Israel turn to him.  But he wants to make sure they can maintain it without Josiah – make sure its really the community turning to him, not just the king.  So let’s see if the program can keep going without Josiah. And then it doesn’t, God’s fury is redoubled because not only have the Israelites turned from him, but also turned from the recent glorious example of how to worship him (and with the newly found book offering guidance, too!)  So then God decides to go back to Plan B - destroying Judah. 

Now that would work better in terms of narrative and in terms of God’s mercy.  Instead, we’re told that God is holding a grudge.  Just a complete face plant by the Bible writer, who normally is really good at handling things well to explain his theological slant on the history of the Hebrew.

Because Josiah dies in this chapter.  He fights the Egyptians in a battle, and dies at Megiddo.  His 23-year-old son Jehoahaz becomes king, and does evil before the Lord.  Again – why are the sons of the best reformers the worst kings? I don’t know.  Maybe he felt his dad was too under the thumb of the priests.  Maybe not being under the thumb of ht priests is interpreted as evil here. 

Or maybe it’s just power politics.  After all, a foreign ruler just killed his dad, so he needs to be careful.  And one way to be careful is too appeal to the foreign gods.  (If Josiah’s God was so great, why did he let him die with his work undone?) 

Jehoahaz only rules three months, and then is taken prisoner by the Egyptians.  (Yeah, he was under foreign pressure, which I guess is why he acted in ways the priests didn’t like).  The pharaoh then makes Jehoahaz’s brother Jehoiakim king.  Interestingly, it looks like Jehoiakim is the older brother – he’s 25, and the 23-year-old ruled just three months.  Anyhow, Jehoiakim rules 11 years, but does evil before the Lord. 

The reform program of Josiah is in ruins. 

CHAPTER 24

The first sentence of this chapter mentions Nebuchadnezzar, so we’re in the final countdown until Babylon takes over.  The Babylonians are the rising power, taking out all Egyptian lands in the area, leaving them with just Egypt.  Without a rival big power to play off Babylon, small states like Judea are in big trouble. 

The final conquest of Judah plays out.  Jerusalem surrenders and the king is taken captive, along with all the treasures and many leaders of society.  The Babylonian Captivity has begun. 

A new king rules, apparently as a vassal of Babylon.  We’re told that he’s evil, but he also rebels against Babylon. (Those two things aren’t necessarily opposed to each other for the Bible writer.  I believe that Jeremiah thought that the conquest by Babylon of Judah was justified because it was a punishment from God on his people; and since it came from God, don’t rebel against it.  That’s getting ahead of things, but I believe that’s how it’ll play out when I get to Jeremiah).

CHAPTER 25

The rebellion fails and with horrible consequences.  If the people of Judah can’t handle a fairly lenient conquest, they’ll get the hard one.  The Temple of Solomon is destroyed.  The king’s palace is destroyed.  All the holy places are destroyed.  All the riches are taken. 

A new governor is appointed, but killed.  After that, many flee into Egypt.  The old king of Judah is held captive in Babylon is eventually freed from jail and allowed to eat at the emperor’s table, essentially a well-treated hostage for the rest of his days.

Thus ends this book, on a bleak note.  Then again, when reality ends with a conquest, the story will end bleakly.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

This isn’t the worst book I’ve read in the Bible so far, but it is the most disappointing book.  Joshua was worse with its celebration of genocide, but at least I knew that was coming in advance.  Leviticus was a snooze, but I was prepared for that.

But this is just hard to follow at times.  It’s clear that the writer had just a sketchy knowledge of what happened in the ear of two kingdoms, and so that hurt the overall quality of the narrative.  There are many kings listed, but there is so little said about most that it’s hard to really care about them.  It’s the litany-of-dead-kings school of history at it worst.

Also, early Kings II has a weird mixture of mythic and historic information.  Much of the Old Testament is mythic and much of it is historical, but you rarely get both side-by-side.  But you get it here, especially early on with Elisha.  But the mythic stuff works best when it’s by itself.  By putting along side mundane historical matters, it makes the mythic stuff seem harder to believe.  And the miracles make the normal history stuff seem unimportant.  The combination brings out the worst of both parties. 

That said, there are some truly wonderful moments in Kings II.  The best is Chapter 20 with King Hezekiah’s prayer and God’s response.   The information on the unfulfilled promise of Josiah is also interesting (though the writer messes up how he handles the Lord there).  Jehu also has his moments as all-time badass. 

My main aftertaste from this book is a disappointing flavor, alas.

Click here for the next entry, which begins Chronicles I.

Kings II: Chapters 12 to 17

Previously, Jehu kicked a bunch of butt.  Now let's get to the end of the northern kingdom:

CHAPTER 12

We stay in Judea, and now Josah is king.  The Bible says he became king in the 17^th year that Jehu ruled in Israel, but by my tracking, it should be Jehu’s seventh year.  That’s far off and I have no idea what’s wrong – me or the Bible’s narrative awkwardness, or both. I’ll blame the kings with the same names at around the same time.

Well, Josah is just seven years old when he becomes king (so he was just one when his aunt killed all his siblings) and he’s a good king.  Sure – he was saved and raised by priests, so naturally he’ll do good in their eyes.  The only knock on him is he lets the altars in the high places stand and people still do sacrifices there.  But he’s a godly king.

There is one problem.  Josah wants money to be given to for temple repairs, but the money keeps getting used for other purposes.  Sounds like there is some embezzling going in by the priests.  For 23 years, no repairs are made, though money has been coming in.  Yeah, someone helping themselves to it.  This is solved with a safe box.  The silver is taken directly to the workmen when repairs are needed, and the temple is in good shape.

The moneybox has a secondary benefit.  King Hazael of Aram, the guy Elisha actually anointed earlier on, is coming with a war party to raid Jerusalem.  Well, Josah opens up the strong box, gives Hazael all the silver, and Hazael goes home, happy with the easily gained loot.

CHAPTER 13

The next several chapters are just marking time until Israel is defeated by Assyria.  There are a bunch of kings mentioned, but pretty much none of them are memorable. 

We start off with Jehoahaz of Israel.  Under him, Israel becomes basically a vassal state of King Hazael of Aram.  Bummer.  Then a mysterious savior comes up and saves Israel.  No name is given, not is any detail.  The Bible writer clearly doesn’t have much idea beyond a very hazy one of what went on. 

He dies and his son Josah becomes king of Israel (not to be confused of Josah of Judea, also reigning around this time).  Under Josah, Elisha finally dies.  Wait – Elisah is still around?  We last saw him telling a flunky to anoint Jehu the new king of Israel.  Jehu reigned from 94-122 (with year 0 become the division between Israel and Judea).  Josah takes up in year 139.  So 45 years have gone by without anything from Elisha and just now he shows up again?  Boy, talk about taking a low profile. 

Oh, he prophases that Israel will be freed.  Then he dies. Oh, and there’s a great coda.  We’re told that “some people” are burying “a man” and happen to but the man in Elisha’s tomb.  The corpse touches Elisha’s bones and returns to life.  The lack of detail makes the story even shakier.

Ultimately, it feels like a bunch of stories/myths have been built up about a guy, who took two nearly identical names – Elisha and Elijah.  The stories of them spread out over nearly a century, making it necessary to make them two people.  But much of them are mythic and there are rarely many details.  The writer of the Bible has had to jam them in as he could, but the main focus remains the stories of the kings and their kingdoms.

CHAPTER 14

There is more litany-of-dead-kings stuff.  We don’t learn enough about any of them to really get an attachment.  The main story here is that King Amaziah of Judah beats the Edomites in battle, and then takes on Israel.  The Israeli king tells him not to do it, but he loses and is taken capture himself. 

Actually, there is a weird little item just before this.  Amaziah’s dad was Joash, the long reigning king who came to power after surviving his Aunt Athaliah.  Well, here we’re told that Amaziah “struck down the officials who had struck down the king, his father.”  Wait – what?  Unless I missed something, we were never told that anyone killed Joash, not until write now, in this weird throwaway line.  Huh?  Kings II is a book where the writer doesn’t fully know what’s going on.

In fact, he never really says how long Joash reigns.  He just notes that he died in the second year of Josalm of Israel.  So I guesstimate that Joash dies in Year 141.  So at Year 141 at least I have both royal chronologies synched up. (Keep that in mind when we see just how comically off they get in less than a century).

CHAPTER 15

More dead kings. Judea has a good king named Azariah.  Like most good kings of Judea, he does most everything right – except he leaves the altars up in the high places and lets people sacrifice there.  Yeah, the Bible writer will always say that’s bad, so his praise of good kings of Judea (and most seem to be good) is always with that qualifier.

Israeli kings are entirely bad.  Seriously – every single Israeli king, without exception, is bad.  Even the guys we root for as rebels, the ones who initially have God’s support – like Jeroboam and Jehu – turn away from God as rules.  Its just degrees of bad, with at least guys like Jehu opposing Baal worship. 

Here, Israel goes throw a bunch of kings.  Most of them die violently, with the murderer becoming the new king.  When one king, Shallum, kings power, in order to assert himself he commits so atrocities on his opponents, including ripping open pregnant ladies.  Yikes. 

Oh, and Assyria shows up.  Israel has to pay them off with silver to avoid being destroyed.  The Bible will make the point that Israel falls for moving away from God, but it looks like their real sin will be geographic – they’re further to the north, and hence more in the line of Assyria’s fire. 

Later on, Assyria comes back (again) and deports the land of Naphtali’s residents – all of them.

CHAPTER 16

Now Judah gets a really, really bad king: Ahaz.  He practices other religious rites, even throwing his own child on the fire.  Jeepers that’s bad.  The King of Aram – hey, they’re still around!  I’d have figured them all gone after the rise of Assyria.  Anyhow, the Aramean king puts Jerusalem under siege, but it survives.  But it survives by appealing to Assyria of help and giving it all the silver from the holy temple. 

Hmmm – I get the feeling I just discovered why the Bible considers Ahaz to be evil.  He does religious practices of other people – because he relies on a foreign nation for his kingdom’s survival.  Practicing their rites helps get in good with his protector. But from the point of view of the priests, it’s unholy. To be sure, burning children is evil.  But I wonder if that’s hyperbole by the Bible writer.  At the very least, I can’t imagine he burnt up his own child. 

CHAPTER 17

Here we are – the end of Israel.  The last king of Israel is Hoshea, and under his reign it all comes to an end.  Hoshea came to power by violence.  As near as I can tell, eight times an Israeli king was killed, ending a royal line.  (Meanwhile, Judea has consistently had just the House of David).

I’ve been tracking the chronologies as we’ve gone along, and as best as I can tell, Hosea comes to power 229 years after the Israel/Judea split.  EXCEPT – we’re also told he comes to power in the 12^th year of King Ahoz of Judea.  Yeah, but the Judean chronology, Hosea should come to power 250 years after the split.  That’s a gap of 21 years; and please recall I had them synced up at the year 141.  In either 88 years or 109 years, they’ve gone 21 years apart. Clearly, the writer of this part of the Bible wasn’t really sure what went on.

The point is, Israel is taken over by Assyria.  The kingdom has the Israelis depart and brings other in.  Those others first have problems with lions, but overcome them by worshipping the Lord.  That’s nice, but what’s less nice is they still worship all their other gods.  (Not false gods in the Bible, just other gods, as if they actually exist).  We’re told that situation exists in Israel “to this very day.”

Mostly, though, this chapter moralizes about why the northern kingdom fails.  Not surprisingly, it failed because it refused to heed the ways of the Lord and the laws of Moses. The engaged in false practices, were stiff-necked, rejected God’s laws, built and worshipped two golden calves, and even immolated their children in fires.  That’s why they lost their kingdom. 

The non-believer in me is skeptical, looking more towards hard politics to explain their failure.  Assyria was strong and they were closer in the way.

However, I will say this much for the Bible’s interpretation.  By moving away from their Lord and moving more in line with other religions of the era, the Israeli ensured they wouldn’t survive as a people.  Losing their kingdom doesn’t mean they’ll lose their identity.  The people of Judea proved that when they survived the Babylonian Captivity.  But if the Israelites are already moving toward other gods, then losing their kingdom will completely uproot their old attachment to their old God.  After all, he couldn’t actually save him after all, so who cares? 

The 10 lost tribes of Israel aren’t actually lost them.  Or rather, they lost themselves.  They just melted into the tapestry of the rest of the region, ceasing to be an different and distinct people.  The Judeans won’t melt away, but retain their separateness, which is why they are still around.  Thus the Judeans become the Jews.  Yeah, that’s where that word comes from.  I intentionally haven’t used the word Jew yet, because it would be ahistorical.  It only makes sense to speak of the faithful as Jews if there is only a kingdom of Judea. Now there is, so I can stop calling them Hebrew.  (I can still keep calling them Israelites, however). 

Losing their faith didn’t cause them to lose their kingdom, then, but losing their faith did cause them to lose their identity after losing their kingdom, so moving from God is why they fall out of history. 

Oh, and if you’re curious, the Book of Mormon argues that the 10 lost tribes of Israel became the native Americans in the New World.  Yeah, I’m not buying that; not at all.

Click here for the end of Kings II.

Kings II: Chapters 6 to 11

Last time, Elijah went up in his chariot & more kings-stuff happened. Here, we get Jehu acting like the biggest badass in the Bible.

CHAPTER 6

We begin with a quickie Elisha miracle – he finds an axe lost at the bottom of the Jordan River. 

Then we get into a confusing battle account.  The Aram people attack the Israelites.  But they’re having trouble because a snitch keeps telling the Israelites where the next attack will come, allowing the northern kingdom to scoot away.  Then the Arameans want to consult with Elisha to see what the Lord thinks.  This is really bugging me – are the Aram guys believers or what?  I guess they’re polytheists who think God is one of the many gods.  Elisha has them struck blind, and then leads them into Samaria, wherever the hell that is.  Apparently, it’s not where they were intending to go. 

We’re told that the Arameans readers didn’t go into Israel again after that, but in the very next section, the king of Israel is in a town besieged by the Arameans.  So did this happen before Elisha led them out or after?  No, because this section begins by saying “After this” – and the sentence immediately before noted there were no more Aram raids.  I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m not sure I care. 

The point is the city under siege has a famine so bad that a woman goes to the king with this problem.  Me and the woman I live with are starving so we made a pact.  We’d kill, cook and eat my son one day and then after that kill, eat and cook my son to live on.  Well, we killed my son, your highness, and ate him – but now she’s hiding her son! 

The king has no great Solomonic solution to this tale, among the most horrifying in the Bible.  Instead he decides he needs to call out to Elisha.  He’s not calling out for help, but to have Elisha killed.

What?  I don’t know.  I guess they don’t get along very well.  Elisha notes that the king wants his head.  The chapter ends with a messenger from the Lord noting that the king blames God for his troubles, so why should he care about God anymore?

I didn’t get much out of these stories the two times I read them in the past, and I can see why.  They are just convoluted. 

CHAPTER 7

Well, Elisha is called in about the famine and he makes a surprising prediction.  By this time tomorrow, food will be selling cheaply in the streets.  Then he gives a second startling prediction.  But king baby, you won’t be alive to see it. 

Naturally, both come true.  That said, I don’t find how they came true at all believable.  It begins with four lepers at the city gate deciding that they were better off going to the enemy camp.  Maybe they’ll kill us or maybe they won’t – but it beats starving to death here.  They get there and ….the enemies had all fled.  We’re told that the Lord caused them to hear the sounds of chariots and horses, as if a great army was approaching.  Noise was all it took – they fled. 

Man, of all the holy miracles in the Bible, this might be the lamest.  It only works because the army got scared so easily.  What an anticlimax.  Well, the lepers (after debating whether or not to loot the camp and keep all the valuables for themselves) decide to tell everyone the good news.  They masses rush the gates when they find out, and in mess the king gets trampled to death.  Bummer, king.

The whole things reads like a leftover chunk of Judges trapped into the wrong part of the Bible.  The D author (I’ll just say Jeremiah) clearly compiled this book from different sources – the list of kings and the stories of the prophets Elijah and Elisha.  It isn’t that it’s a bad story.  It’s just that it’s a weird fit.  It’s like there are two books being written within the same book.

CHAPTER 8

This is a grab bag of stories.  There isn’t much of a narrative here.  Even the stories have little/nothing to do with each other.

In the first part, we’re brought back to the woman whose child Elisha brought back to life. He tells her to leave because a seven-year famine is coming.  She leaves and avoids the famine. When she returns, the king is nice to her of the story of what Elisha did for her.

In the next part the king of Aram sends Hazael to Elisha to learn if the king will recover from his illness.  Elisha says he will recover, but die.  Um … huh?  I guess he’ll die of something else.  Maybe he’ll also get run over by a mob.  Man, kings asking Elisha for info sure don’t last long.  Maybe they shouldn’t ask Elisha.  Oh, and Elisha starts weeping, telling Hazael that the Lord has already shown the prophet that Hazael will become king and inflict great evil upon the people. 

Also, hold on a second, in Kings I Chapter 19 God tells Elijah to anoint Hazael king of Aram.  Now it’s bad news that this will happen?  It would be more perplexing if the narrative hadn’t totally lost its focus.  It’s hard to remember that throwaway reference from Kings I at this point.  Samuel I did a good job bouncing back and forth between Saul and David, but now it’s just bouncing around randomly like a ping-pong ball.  I’m constantly finding myself wondering what is going on and who is doing what.  This hasn’t happened like this in any book until now.

Anyway, we move on to the third part of the chapter – one totally disconnected from the others.  King Jehoshaphat of Judea (side note – “Jumpin’ Jehosophat!” is something carton character Yosemite Sam has been known to say) dies and his son Joram succeeds him.  He’s evil and dies after eight years.  Then his son Ahaziah becomes king for a year.

Hold on a second.  In the notes I’ve been taken, I earlier wrote that Jumpin’ J was succeeded by his son Jehoram.  Now it’s Joram?  Eh, similar names, but – here’s the real fun part.  At the same time this new guy becomes king of Judea, the king of Israel is named Joram.  This isn’t me taking bad notes, either.  The Bible here clearly states the Judea’s Joram becomes king “in the fifth year of Joram, son of Ahab, king of Israel.”  So the Bible has two kings named Joram at the same time.  (As near as I can tell, they die the same here, 94 years after the death of Solomon).

Also, about this Ahaziah guy that rules for a year after succeeding Judea’s Joram?  Well, there was a short-termed King Ahaziah of Israel just before their Joram.  Confusing, isn’t it?  I guess it could be the same names but – damn what annoying coincidences.  It’s just hard to follow.  (And was the Judean King’s name Jehoram or Joram?  What the hell is going on?  Eh, screw it.  This too shall pass and none of these kings are that important). 

Oh, and Edom rebels and gains independence from Judea. 

CHAPTER 9

Now we come to the biggest badass of the book: Jehu.  We’ve heard about him ever since Chapter 19 of Kings I when God said he should be anointed King of Israel, but here it happens.  Elisha tells ones of his assistants to track down Jehu and anoint him. Why won’t Elisha do it himself?  I don’t know.  My best hunch is that the Elisha stories were separate from the Jehu stories.  The Jehu stories claimed some prophet anointed him, so you make the anointer a friend of the big prophet in these parts, Elisha.

There is a comic scene after Jehu’s anointed.  Someone asks him “Why did that madman come to you?”  Heh.  Jehu doesn’t want to spill that he’s just been anointed King of Israel by a prophet of God, so just says, “You know that kind of man and his talk.”  Again – heh.  But then everyone finds out what is going on.

And Jehu sets off to kick some ass and chew some gum – and he is all out of bubble gum.  His first stop is Jezreel, where Joram, King of Israel, is.  They meet outside of town where Joram asks if anything is OK, and Jehu replies, “How could everything be all right as long as all the harlotry and sorcery of your mother Jezebel continues?”  This will be Jehu’s approach throughout.  None of this hold your friends close but hold your enemies closer logic for him.  Just belligerently apply as many smackdowns as you can. 

Instead, Jehu gets an arrow and kills Joram.  My, that was quick. 

Oh, and Ahaziah, King of Judah is in town for this as well – and you damn well know that Jehu finds out.  The end is quick.  Jehu pursues the king, yelling: “Him, too!”  He doesn’t mean invite him over for tea and crumpets, too.  He’s killed, and then the Bible has what I can only assume is a typo or something.  It says, “In the 11^th year of Joram, son of Ahab [the king of Israel just killed earlier this chapter], Ahaziah became king over Judah.”  Wait?  He just became king?  He just got killed!  Does the Bible mean to say another name than Ahaziah?  Is it a second Ahaziah?  It’s just confusing and annoying.

But there are two dead kings.  One more killing to go – the Queen Mum of Israel herself, Jezebel.  Jehu goes up to the town of Jezreel and demands that they prove they’re on his side – throw Jezebel out of the window.  Naturally they do, and dogs devour her body. 

That’s an impressive killing spree by Jehu.  How did he pull it off though?  I coulda sworn that kings had armies and stuff.  It’s like everyone disappears to protect the kings as soon as Jehu shows up.  Even if Jehu has his army, there should be an actual battle or two.  Instead, it’s just a walk over.

Yeah, there’s a lot I don’t quite get about Kings 2, and this was one of the better chapters.

CHAPTER 10

Now for maybe the most gangster fucking chapter of the entire Bible.  Yes, even more so than the last chapter.  Essentially, it’s a mop up operation for Jehu, by my goodness what a mop up operation it is!

We begin by learning that the late (evil) king Ahab has 70 sons.  Guess what happens to them?  Yeah, it doesn’t take long, either.  Jehu writes to the places where the 70 sons are and makes the local authorities of those places some offers they can’t refuse: bring me their heads. Jehu doesn’t even have to say “or else.”  Because he’s so incredibly Jehu like that.  He’s just whacked a pair of kings, so no one will stand in his way.  70 heads are delivered to him in Jezreel.  He orders them placed in two piles by the city’s main gate.

Now for some relatives of Ahaziah of Judah.  He hears about 42 of them, and orders them taken alive.  They are, but then slain in a pit.  At this point I’m wondering how Jehu didn’t end up the reunifier of the two kingdoms.  I don’t see what’s standing in his way,  but he doesn’t do it.  It’s one of the annoyances of the narrative.  I guess the sources are greatly exaggerating how effective Jehu’s reign of terror was, at least in the south.

But all the killing isn’t over yet.  Jehu wants to get the servants of the false god Baal.  He has a great line:  “Ahab served Baal to some extent, but Jehu will serve him yet more.”  He orders all the leading Baal-ites into a meeting room together.  The tactic is to tell them that if they don’t come, they’ll be killed.  Not seeing a trap – even when it’s obvious – they come and are slaughtered.  Dummies should’ve fled the country.  He has their temple turned into a latrine, “as it remains today” the Bible says.  So much for Baal in Israel.

Then Jehu rules Israel, and shockingly we’re told that he doesn’t return to the ways of the Lord.  He lets the two golden calves put up by Jeroboam stand.  I guess Jehu is just anti-Baal.  We don’t hear anything from Elisha about this.  He’s never in the same room with Jehu, apparently.  God tells Jehu, I’ll let your family rule for a few generations, but that’s it.

While Jehu was such a total gangster coming to power, he has trouble in power.  He loses some eastern land – stuff like the land of Reuben – to Hazael, King of Aram.  So the divided kingdoms keep getting whittled down.  First the south lost Edom and now the north loses its eastern land. 

CHAPTER 11

This chapter takes us back to Judea, where tells an apparently different tale from what we heard in Chapters 9-10.  OK, so Ahaziah is dead.  (That’s the Judean king Jehu whacked).  But instead of 42 sons killed by Jehu, they’re almost all killed by Jehosheba.  She’s apparently the sister of the recently deceased king. 

She tries to have them all killed, but a priest has one of them saved: Joash.  The priest waits for six years, where Jehosheba rules Judea as queen.  Then he acts, getting the guards to make Joash the king. 

As plots go, it isn’t much of one; especially after reading Jehu’s orgy of death.  He just has a bunch of guard hail Joash in the courtyard.  Jehosheba hears it and yells, “TREASON!” but then she’s arrested and killed.  Why, it’s practically stately after Gangster Jehu took over   Then the temple of Baal is destroyed.  I guess it’s a different temple of Baal than the one Jehu just destroyed, but who knows?  After all, they just had the princes that Jehu just killed get re-killed here. 

This chapter is more believable than Jehu killing the princes.  If that was the case, he would’ve been able to take over both halves.

Click here for the next chunk of Kings II: Chapters 12 to 17.