Kings I: Chapters 12 to 16

The last entry went over the reign of the overrated Solomon. Now Israel divides into two kingdoms - Judea in the south and Israel in the north.

CHAPTER 12

Israel splits into to.  According to the Bible, it’s all the fault of Rehoboam, son and successor of Solomon.  Jeroboam goes to him with the Israelis (which here means all non-Judah tribes) and notes how bad Solomon treated them.  Jeroboam wants change. 

Rehoboam gets advice from his dad’s advisors who tell him to act conciliatory.  If you do that, they’ll follow you forever.  But he decides to listen to his friends instead.  They think only wusses take the soft approach.  They tell him to say, “My little finger is thicker than my father’s loins.”  Yeah, “loins” has got to be a euphemism here.  But the really memorable line is, “My father beat you with whips, but I will beat you with scorpions.”  Wow – this sounds like one of them Saw/Hostel torture porn movie plots. 

Jeroboam responds by saying “To your tents, Israel!”  Just like that, the unified kingdom is no more. 

King Rehoboam sends the man in charge of Israel’s forced labor to the north to put the stamp of royal authority on the dissident tribes.  Instead, the forced labor man is stoned to death.  Yeah, all that talkback in Chapter 9 about how Israelites were never the forced labor – I’m so calling bullshit.  If they were never forced laborers, then murdering the guy in charge of forced labor wouldn’t be how they began their revolution.  Along those lines, sending this guy (Adoram is his name) north was a really dumb idea.  That’s waving a very red flag in front of a very made bull. 

Then comes a weird little bit where Jeroboam gets a big army – consisting of all Judah and Benjamin (who are stuck with Judah because Judah dominates the south and Benjamin is so small and Judah so big), but then is told by God not to attack.  Don’t make war against your fellow Israelites.  Yeah, I’m not buying this.  He let them go, OK.  But either because he felt he couldn’t win the fight (they did have a big numbers advantage) or he felt like he didn’t need them.

Or maybe he felt he could get the north back peacefully.  Once Jeroboam has his own kingdom, he has a problem.  The big religious shrines and meeting places are in the south; in Jerusalem.  That gives the southern kingdom power and a possible pull of attachment for his people.  If he lets this stand, he could suffer an erosion of moral legitimacy as the priests of the south denounce his regime.  (In other words, maybe Rehoboam realizes this and hopes for an easy win).

Well, Jeroboam didn’t become king to lose it on some minor points.  He makes commoners priests.  You don’t have to be from the House of Levi anymore.  And instead of doing all rites at Solomon’s Temples, he lets them do it at high places (something the Bible typically loathes).  Oh, and he’ll create two great shrines for his people, and put them in opposite ends of the kingdom – Bethel in the South and Dan in the North.  Now people can go there for their festivities instead of Jerusalem, limiting the threat posed by Jerusalem’s moral force. 

All of this goes against the Torah of course.  Then again, Biblical scholarship widely believes that none of the four authors whose works would later be combined into the Torah – the J, E, P, and D sources – had written anything yet.  The earliest, the J and E sources, wrote it down during the divided kingdom, and we’re just at the very outset.

Oh, and those two shrines Jeroboam sets up at opposite ends of his kingdom?  He places an idol in each one.  The idol?  A golden calf.  He has his people make two golden calves and tells the people, “You have been going up to Jerusalem long enough.  Here are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up from the land of Egypt.” 

This should set off some alarm bells, right? Golden calves?  Golden calves worshipped to replace the Lord?  Haven’t we seen this?  Yup – in Exodus.  This is what Aaron did when Moses was on the mountain.  How can the people repeat themselves like this?  Simple.  The story in Exodus is likely a parable.  The J & E sources were written at the earliest during the reign of Jeroboam.  The E source is believed to be from the northern kingdom of Jeroboam, and he’s the guy that gives us the story of the golden calves in Exodus.  There, he has Moses have them destroyed, thousands of Israelites killed, and the whole thing obliterated.  It’s like a revenge fantasy.

In “Who Wrote the Bible?” Richard Elliot Friedman goes a bit further, using this incident to guess the identity of who wrote E.  He has no name, but he guesses it’s a priest from Shiloh.  The priests of Shiloh had been marginalized by Solomon when he made Jerusalem the big religious center, and they hoped to have a position of importance under Jeroboam.  Instead, he goes entirely outside the House of Levi.  They are miffed at that.  So what happens here explains one of the most famous stories in Exodus.  (Note: the priests of Shiloh aren’t believed to be the authors of Kings I.  This came later, of course.  But they were both written after the time of Jeroboam and both hate the creation of the calves).

CHAPTER 13

Now comes a story of considerable importance for the Bible author.  It ends up being something less important, but the Bible writer doesn’t know that. 

Jeroboam is dedicating his sacrilegious altar, when something very unexpected happens.  One of the great unnamed figures of the Bible shows up – some “man of God” who makes the following statement, “Altar, altar, thus says the Lord: A child shall be born to the house of David, Josiah by name, who shall slaughter upon you the priests of the high places who burn incense upon you, and they shall burn human bones upon you.” 

The very moment the shrine is being dedicated, a prophet comes and foretells its doom, because God hates it.  Oh, and he even tells the name of the man who will do it: Josiah.  Short version – there will be a Josiah and he will topple this shrine.  The author of the Bible knows it because he’s living during the reign of Josiah.

Josiah is a big reformer, a man who works with the priests of the southern kingdom to do what they think should be done.  The Bible is largely written as a history that culminates in his reign.  Mainstream Biblical scholarship says that the historical section of the Bible – Joshua, Judges, the two Samuels, and the two Kings – were all written by the same guy.  (Well, more like compiled by the same guy as he probably took previous sources and added his slant to them).  This author is also believed to be the person who wrote Deuteronomy.  At the very least, it’s someone who shares the exact same theology of Deuteronomy.  The author of Deuteronomy – the D author he’s known as – is believed to be the last of the four main authors of the Torah – and it’s believed that he lived in Judea during the reign of Josiah.  This is a moment which helps leads us to Josiah. So yeah, this is a story made up well after the fact. 

The nameless man of God then withers Jeroboam’s hand.  When Jeroboam pleas for help, he restores the hand and then goes off.  Then something very weird happens.

The nameless man of God meets a nameless prophet.  The prophet invites him to come in and eat, but man of God says no – God clearly told me not to eat or drink until I return to the southern kingdom.  Then the prophet says don’t worry – it’s cool.  I’m a prophet and God said you could eat with me.  But the prophet is lying.  God is deeply upset at the man of God for violating his orders directly from God, and has him killed on the way home.  A lion attacks him – but doesn’t eat him nor even touch the animal he’s riding.  The prophet soon hears about it, and has the man of God buried.  Then later the prophet is buried with the man of God.

This is, um, troubling.  The man of God is tricked is killed by God for it, but the prophet isn’t punished at all.  (He dies of old age later on).  I guess the moral of the story is always follow God’s law. 

CHAPTER 14

Now we get into the various kings of Israel (the northern kingdom) and Judah.  To make things a little simpler to follow, here are the kings and roughly their reigns for Chapters 14-16.  We’ll use the division of the united kingdom as our starting point.  (First the kings lists and then some problems with them right afterwards):

JUDEA:

0             Rehoboam becomes king

17             Rehoboam dies after a 17-year reign.  Abijam, his son becomes king

20        After a three-year reign, Abijam dies.  His son Asa becomes king.

61        Asa dies after a 41-year reign.  His son Jehosaphat becomes king.

ISRAEL

0            Jeroboam becomes king

22            Jeroboam dies after a 22-year reign. His son Nadab becomes king

24        After a two-year reign, Nabad is killed.  Baasha, his killer, becomes king

48        Baasha, after a 24-year reign, dies.  His son Elah becomes king

50        After a two-year reign, Elah is killed by Zimri, who becomes king.

50        After just a week on the throne, Zimri is killed by troops loyal to Omri.  A six-year civil war begins over who will rule Israel

56        Omri wins the civil war.

62        Omri dies after 12 years as king (half of it a disputed kingship).  His son Ahab succeeds him.

84        After 22 years, Ahab dies. (How he dies isn’t given.  Yet).

OK, those are the timelines, but they don’t quite work.  When Ahab becomes king, we’re told that it’s during the 38^th year of Asa’s reign.  Wait – that would be year 58, not 62.  The hell?

My explanation.  Well, let’s say the Bible was doing US history.  In August 1901, an assassin killed Pres. McKinley, making Theodore Roosevelt president.  The Bible writer might consider 1901 to be the first year of TR’s reign and 1902 his second year.  Thus that’s two years even though he’s only been there for one year, really.  Something like that must be going on here. 

The exact dates aren’t terribly important, but it is nice to keep in mind what’s going on in one kingdom when someone is in charge of another kingdom.  Also, it gives a scale of how long it’s been since Solomon passed away.  By the end of Asa’s reign in Judea (which was roughly when Ahab took the throne in Israel) no one could actually remember the days of a united kingdom anymore.  That had receded from memory to history and myth.

As for Chapter 14 itself, we learn that God is deeply unhappy with Jeroboam.  In fact, the prophet who told him he’d take power back in Chapter 11 now has a new message – his newborn son will die, and that will be the only descendent of Jeroboam to die peacefully.  Yeah, that’s bad news. 

Meanwhile, in the south God isn’t very happy with Rehoboam, either.  He is building altars in high places and de-centralized worship (a huge no-no for this Bible writer).  God thinks both –boam kings suck. They both die of natural causes and are succeeded by their kids.

CHAPTER 15

Most of this is on Judea.  Abijam does wrong in the eyes of the Lord (get used to it, people.  That’s the way it goes for most kings).  But he soon dies and his son Asa becomes king.

Asa is one of the few kings the Bible likes.  He is a God fearing man, but he isn’t perfectly. He lets the altars on the high places stand.  The author of Kings is believed to be a priest who wanted religion centralized in Jerusalem and saw the high place temples as threats to his power – and an abomination before God.  It’s not just about the power of the priests, either.  It’s about making sure standards are being upheld.  If you decentralize, you make it easier for people to drift from the ways of God, and they all go to hell in their own way. Remember – there isn’t yet a Bible to harken back to for proper procedures in all matters.

Meanwhile, in the north, King Nadab is killed, fulfilling the prophecy about the House of Jeroboam noted just last chapter.  But the new guy Baasha sucks, doing what is evil before the Lord.

CHAPTER 16

We’re still in the north here – we’ll be in Israel for all of Chapter 16. 

God has a prophet named Jehu give a new message.  Baasha’s line, like that of Jeroboam, will be destroyed – and it’ll be destroyed for going against the ways of God. 

And then it happens.  Sure Baasha dies of old age, but his son Elah is killed, and so is all the rest of the family.  Bummer.  Then Zimri has his week in power before Omri takes over.  Omri fights a civil war for six years against another contender before winning.  The kings are really rising and falling might quick here.  You don’t get a chance for a feel of any of them.  You just are told if they do good or bad in the eyes of the Lord – and most do bad.  In fact, I think every single king of Israel does bad.

But with Omri we’re told he not only does bad, but that “But Omri did what was evil in the Lord’s sight, more than any of his predecessors.”  Again, we’ll see that formulation plenty from here on out. 

Ahab becomes king and we’re told he’s a new low, even worse than his dad.  That sounds tough to do.  He rebuilds Jericho, which is a big no-no.  In fact, in the Book of Joshua (believed to have been written/compiled by the same man who did Kings I), in verse 26 of Chapter 6, Joshua says of the ruins of Jericho, “Cursed before the Lord be the man who attempts to rebuild this city, Jericho.”  And now Ahab is doing just that.  Also, Ahab has a wife named Jezebel, who is apparently horrible.  In fact, she gets Ahab to start worshipping Baal, the god of her childhood.  (She’s daughter of the king of Sidon, and I can only assume that this is a diplomatically arranged marriage).

Yes, Jezebel’s name is the basis of the modern day word jezebel, which certainly has a negative connotation.  For that matter, Ahab is the basis of the name of the ship captain in Moby Dick.  I’ve never read it, but I believe there’s a part on the book early on that discusses his name, and the sailors conclude that just because he has an accursed name doesn’t mean he’s an accursed man. (But if you know how that book plays out – boy, you’re sure better off not following Ahab!)

There is a reason why Ahab and Jezebel have such bad reputations, even for the bad kings of this period.  They get to be the rulers of Israel when the prophet Elijah is around.  And Elijah is kind of a big fucking deal.  But Elijah won’t show up until Chapter 17. 

Click here for the final chapters of Kings I.

Kings I: Chapters 6 to 11

In the last entry, Solomon became king. Now for the rest of his reign.

CHAPTER 6

Now it’s time to build the Temple.  The chapter begins by noting that it’s 480 years since the Israelites led Egypt.  Folks, that’s the first date that’s tied the narrative to Exodus since, well, since the Torah.  By my reckoning, they left Egypt in the year 2668 (after Creation).  So that puts this in 3148.  I think that’s 856 BC or so, which means I’m off by quite a bit but oh well. 

Also, looking through it, after Exodus there was 40 years of wandering, the time of Joshua (length not given), Judges (370 years, given what the Bible says), the era of Samuel (length unknown), Saul (supposedly around 40 years, but that part of the Bible is actually blank), and David (40 years).  The periods we know – Wandering, Judges & David, works out to 450 years.  That leaves 30 remaining years.  I think the way to explain this is to say there were overlapping judges.  After all, there was no political unity among the Hebrew.

Well, that’s entirely too much time on that boring info.  Besides, there is other boring info to dig into.  Let’s see, we get the dimensions of the House of the Lord.  It’s 60 cubits long, 20 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.  That’s 36,000 cubic cubits.  (Heh.  I like that – “cubic cubits”).  How big is that?  Well, a cubit is about 18 inches, so it’s 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.  It’s 121,500 cubic feet. 

OK, that’s like a 50x50x50 foot cube.  That …. Really isn’t too big.  But realize – the purpose of this temple isn’t for people to enter.  This is for God.  It’s his place.  Only priests may enter.  And a third of it – about 40,000 cubic feet – is the holiest of holies, the place where the ark resides.  So it’s not very big because it isn’t intended to be for the masses. 

But remember – last chapter told us that Solomon had recruited an incredible amount of forced laborers  - 30,000 forced laborers, 70,000 carriers, and 80,00000 stonecutters.  Between them, they handle less than a cubic foot per labor.  (And most of those cubic feet, of course, is just air).  Actually – let’s think about this.  How much actual building material do they need?  Well, there are two 30x45 walls, two 90x45 walls.  The foundation is 30x90 and I’ll make it easy on myself and assume it’s the same for the roof.  Therefore, if you do all the math, they have 16,200 square feet worth of building material. And there is wall thickness to include, too.  If it’s one-foot thick walls on average, it’s just 16,200 cubic feet of stuff.  And maybe 180,000 laborers.  Even if it’s just the 30,000 listed as forced laborers, it’s a half-square/cubic foot per person. 

Well, there are support beams and deeper needs for the foundation and the like, but still – the average laborer has not much to do. 

But the Bible tells us it takes seven years to build this sucker.  Yeah, something isn’t adding up.

At any rate, God tells Solomon to abide by all his statues and ways and he’ll treat him like his treated David.  This is foreshadowing, for the author damn well knows that Solomon doesn’t do that.

CHAPTER 7

OK, we get some more info on what all those laborers were doing.  God’s house was just a side note.  The big thing was a house for Solomon.  Seriously – at the same time Solomon builds a place for God, he builds a much, much bigger thing for himself.  Yeah, I know that God won’t actually live in the temple and Solomon will live in the palace, but it sure sounds tacky. 

His house if 100 cubits long, 40 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.  Well, at least it isn’t higher than God’s house.  It’s 120,000 cubic cubits (Hee!  There’s my new favorite phrase!), which is 3.33 times the size of God’s pad.  And we get all the details of it.  He has a guy named Hiram from Tyre handle it.  Hiram from Tyre will never replace Uri son of Hur as Holy Handyman, though.

Oh, and it takes 13 years to build Solomon’s palace – nearly twice as long as it took to make the Lord’s temple.

CHAPTER 8

In a book full of long chapters, here is one that stands out even in this sucker for length.  This 66-verse monster is about one event – the dedication of the Temple.  Oh, no wonder they spend so much time here then. 

First notable bit – the cloud of God (the thing the Israelites followed by daytime during the 40 years wandering) makes an appearance here.  It signifies God’s acceptance/approval of his new house.  Also, it’s the LAST time it shows up.  It fills the house built for him, so yeah – he’s happy with it.

Most of this chapter is Solomon’s speech and it is a very nice speech.  It hits all the expected notes but it does a good job at it.  He praises God’s glory, notes that Solomon is king because of the promise God made to David, and says that God told him (Solomon) that he approves of this house. 

The heart of the speech, though, are a series of pleas – pleas for forgiveness for God.  Dear Lord, we are sinners – all are sinners – and we will screw up.  When we screw up and you justifiably punish us, we will turn to this building to pray. And when you see us offer earnest prayer, please remember us and offer forgiveness.  This is at the heart of the appeal of religion.  Solomon offers a series of scenarios in which this might happen to the Israelites, and then does something unexpected and quite beautiful. 

Solomon requests of the Lord that if foreigners who are not among the children of Israel turn to you in your name and ask for help here, you’ll give it to them as well.  For much of the Bible, God is a far too parochial figure.  He cares about the Israelites because they’re his chosen people due to a pact made with Abraham.  But now we get a sense that he really is the God of all; or at least the offer is open to all.  There has been no talk of conversion or winning over others to God in the Bible so far.  You’re part of his people by birth or you’re not.  But this really makes religion that much more inclusive.  This speech is arguably the opening shot of Christianity.

The next paragraph is also quite important.  He says that if we’re ever given over to our enemies, and we repent, please remember us.  This is key, because it’s exactly the situation the Hebrew will find themselves in during the Babylonian Captivity.  And here they have Solomon anticipating it – and offering a way for the Hebrew to survive as a people: tell God you’re sorry to did wrong and earnestly apologize.  

The entire speeches is absolutely fantastic, but those are the highlights.  This might be the best speech in the Bible, at least so far. 

Solomon finishes his beautiful speech and they consecrate the temple with a bloodlust of animal sacrifice.  They kill 22,000 oxen and 100,000 sheep.  Holy crap!  It’s suddenly Union Stockyards here!  Imagine how much blood must’ve been lying on the ground. 

We’re told the celebration went on for seven days and on the eight day Solomon dismissed the people.  (Wait: shouldn’t he rest everyone on the seventh day?  Eh, no matter).  But let’s figure that out – that’s 17,428 animals sacrificed a day.  That’s 290 sacrificed an hour.  That’s 4.8 per minute.  According to the Bible, in this week of sacrifice, they killed an animal every 12.4 seconds for a week straight.  DAMN!

CHAPTER 9

Now we get an easy to overlook part of the Bible, because it’s just some boring stuff about Solomon’s governance.  But this is actually really important stuff, and a close reading shows that what’s going on here will help cause the eventual rupture of Israel into two kingdoms.  In fact, however much the Bible praises Solomon as the wisest wise that ever wised, he was actually pretty bad at governing the land.

Let’s see, Solomon has to pay Hiram of Tyre for the wood that went into the building projects.  (Quick note: apparently the palace and temple were built at different times, because the Bible says it took 20 years in all to do the building.  So you really did have an insanely huge amount of laborers work on seven years just for one relatively small building). 

Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities in the north by Galilee..  Folks, this matters.  Solomon is from the tribe of Judah in the south.  The palace is toward the south.  The temple is toward the south.  And Solomon has decided to pay for the southern improvements by sacrificing land in the north.

Keep in mind, ever since at least late in the reign of David we’ve seen considerable Judah versus other tribes problems.  The northern tribes are already chafing against having a royal line from the big southern tribe.  And now Solomon pulls this stunt. 

We’re also told of other massive building projects Solomon has done. He’s built walls for some cities – cities of the south.  He’s built a big wall to protect Israel from Egypt, and of course Egypt’s border with Israel is in the south.  Sure, there’s the stuff with Moses centuries ago, and Egypt is still a threat – but then again we’re told that Solomon has married the pharaoh’s daughter to keep the peace, and there are threats in the north as well.  But the northerners don’t get any defensive walls put up for them.  They are exposed – and having 20 cities sold off to help Solomon’s beloved south.

Plus, there is still the forced labor.  We’re given a little more info about it here.  We’re told that the forced laborers aren’t the Israelites, but the other people of the land who the Israelites had not been able to destroy – some Hittites, Amorites, Jebusites, et al.  A few things about this.  First, that sounds like possible spin.  Second, it doesn’t sound practical.  If you can’t destroy them, how can you force them into essential slave labor.  (Remember – the ancient Hebrew version of the Bible uses the same word for forced labor here as it uses to discuss the labor the Egyptians forced upon the Israelis back in the time of Moses).  Third – how are we defining forced labor here?  Chapter 5 first said there were 30,000 forced laborers, and then a few verses later add 70,000 carriers and 80,000 stonecutters to the mix.  Are the Israelites none of the 30,000 only or all 180,000? 

The upshot is a king who is consistently and persistently aiding the southern lands he’s associated with to the detriment of the northern lands.  It’s no wonder the kingdom will soon fall apart. 

Oh – and I forgot to add, the taxation system noted in Chapters 4-5 basically lets Judah coast.  They pay less than their share under Solomon’s taxation system while getting far more than their share of the advantages.  All this, mind you, while ruling a kingdom that already had considerable north-south animosity before Solomon even took the throne. 

Solomon is supposed to be a really wise person.  But his wisdom is purely academic and not at all practical.  He might be a whiz at coming up with nice proverbs, but he isn’t good at his job.  Let him write fortune cookies for a living.  But don’t let him run a kingdom. 

Oh, and before you get to any of the above, you get the Bible’s slant on what will go wrong.  God talks to Solomon a second time and lets him know that he approves of the temple.  He tells Solomon that if the king stays in the ways of God as his father David did, then God will always be with him.  But if he departs from the ways of God, then God will cut off Israel and have it ruined.  God even says that Solomon’s temple will be turned into a heap of ruins. This is one of the parts of the Bible believed to have been written after the fall of Jerusalem, because it does such a good job describing the fall.  Also, it explains why it happens.  God lets his people and his temple collapse because of the sins of the Hebrew, including the sins of Solomon.  That’s the Bible’s slant on why things fell apart, but reading the other details gives us another explanation. 

CHAPTER 10

This is a very annoying chapter. It’s a bunch of talk about how wildly wise and wonderful and brilliant Solomon is.  It mostly focuses on the Queen of Sheba – which is modern day Yemen (and as it happens, records from the time due show that the Arabs had some female rulers then, so a Queen of Sheba is reasonable). She visits him with all kinds of bling.  She’s heard stories of Solomon’s wisdom and wants him to prove it.  So he does.  She’s blown away and leaves some riches behind as a token of her esteem of his brilliance.  Then there is more talk about all the wealth of Solomon and all the wisdom of Solomon and all the renown of Solomon.

It makes me want to barf. 

It’s not just that the previous chapter gives ample evidence that Solomon – Mr. Super Wisdom himself – isn’t a very good or fair king. It’s not just that.  What really bugs me to no end here is that Solomon’s wisdom is all tell and no show.  He’s brilliant because we’re told he’s brilliant.  The Bible says that the Queen of Sheba asks him about all sorts of things, and there is nothing he seemed to lack knowledge of.  But there are no examples.  All the praise to his wisdom is generic and vague. In fact, the only story given anywhere in Kings about his wisdom is the baby slicing story, and that’s always struck me as a story hinging about a dumb fake mom than anything else. (If you claim it’s your baby, the answer is always “no” when someone asks if he should cut it in half.  Duh!)  And the praise to his wisdom goes on and on and on and on – with virtually no real detail to back it up. 

It’s like the Bible wanted to tell us how strong Samson was, but instead of giving us his feats and deeds, we just got a bunch of general praise. C’mon – prove it or shut up already! 

Perhaps this isn’t fair.  Later on in the Book of Proverbs we get an enormous amount of wisdom from Solomon (or at least attributed to Solomon).  OK, but maybe they could’ve put a few examples here.  As is, all this talk of his wisdom reads like bad advertising copy.  Its just puffery.  Also, I have a problem with Solomon’s examples of wisdom simply being a bunch of statements.  He’s king. He’s in a position of power.  He should have the ability to make wise decisions instead of making wise statements.  Many of the world’s wisest men are known for their statements not decisions – Socrates and Confucius, to name just two.  But they weren’t in a position of power. (And people in power later did adopt Confucius’s ideas and it worked fairly well for 2,000 years). 

Actually, comparing Solomon to Confucius or Socrates isn’t fair to those two.  Those guys didn’t just make a series of wise statements, but also had an underlying ethos, a system of thought that was really vital.  Is that really true of Proverbs?  I don’t know much about it, but it really does strike me as primarily fortune cookie level wisdom.  (To be fair, I really don’t know much about it.  The previous times I read it, I forget them as I went over them).

The other evidence of Solomon’s wisdom the Bible gives is his immense wealth.  I’m quite skeptical that has anything to do with his wisdom.  It could just be gaining wealth by sitting on nice trade routes.  How much of this wealth comes from the taxation system that unfairly puts a heavier burden on the north?  Most of all, a big time king with lots of opulence and all this talk about how wonderful and brilliant and wise he is – meanwhile he’s compelling tens of thousands of his subjects into forced labor for his own pet projects – this sounds like something form Ceascsecu’s Romania.  Solomon sounds like an Ancient Hebrew “Genius of the Carpatheians.” 

OK, now I am going too far for sure.  That isn’t fair. But all this talk of Solomon’s wisdom is too much sizzle to hide a lack of steak.  As they might say in Texas, when it comes to wisdom, Solomon is all hat and no cattle.

CHAPTER 11

And now for some more evidence of how the wisest guy that ever was really wasn’t.  Here we get Solomon’s big mistake.  He marries far too many women from other nations – 700 princesses (and 300 concubines) and he lets them influence him.  He starts worshiping their gods.  In the traditional reading, I guess this is a sign that the incredible wisdom of Solomon is failing him.  To me, it’s a sign that he is wildly overrated. 

Well, God is pretty cheesed and says that he’ll break up the Kingdom of Israel to punish Solomon, but out of respect for David he’ll wait until after Solomon has died.  Yeah, and all of Solomon’s bad moves sure make that easier.  (Why won’t the rebellion happen under Solomon?  These things always work better when there’s a crack in the core of power, and nothing cracks the power core like the death of a king). 

We learn of a few rebels under Solomon, but they don’t amount to much.  The big one is Jeroboam.  He’s an underling of Solomon.  He is in charged of some of Solomon’s forced laborers.  Then one day a prophet named Ahijah tells him that God is cheesed at Solomon, and Jeroboam will be allowed to have the northern kingdoms.  Solomon’s family can keep Judah, but that’s about it. 

Anyway, this chapter basically gives heavenly approval for Jeroboam’s eventual rebellion; a rebellion that will split the kingdom of Israel forever.  Solomon finds out that Jeroboam is a threat and tries to have him killed, but Jeroboam hightails it to Egypt instead.

After 40 years in power, Solomon died. His son Rehoboam takes his place. 

What can I say about Solomon?  How about this: OV-ER-RA-TED!! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!)  He gave a real wing-dinger of a speech, but his policies were disastrous. 

Click here for Chapters 12 to 16 of Kings I.

Kings I: Chapters 1 to 5

The last entry ended Samuel II.  Now for the end of the reign of David and rise of Solomon.

CHAPTER 1

The transition between Samuel II and Kings I isn’t quite as smooth as it was between Samuel I and Samuel II.  Then, Saul died at the end of I, and we moved into the post-Saul world in part II.  Here?  Well, David’s reign is ending, but he’s still alive.  The first two chapters here are about the transition of power from David to Solomon.  Those are two long chapters, too – about 50 verses each.

It’s a tricky transition because more than one son wants the job.  The clear favorite is Adonijah, who is the younger brother of the mutinous Absalom.  Adonijah has been angling for the job for a while.  He won over David’s longtime priest Abiathar, top military man Joab, and many of his brothers.  But he hasn’t won over Nathan the prophet, some other military men – or Bathsheba and her son Solomon.  They are the rivals, and it looks like clear underdog.

This is Adonijah’s position to lose.  But he loses it.  He has a great shot to be king, but he overplays his hand.  He has a big feast and invites everyone who isn’t on Team Solomon, and at the big feast people praise him as King Abonijah.  Uh-oh.  Big no-no.  Bathsheba and Nathan both go to David, asking if he’s made Abonijah king and not told him.

Joseph Heller’s book “God Knows” about David is pretty good here.   It’s set at the end of David’s life, with him recounting his previous exploits.  All along he’s stayed out of he issue of succession, but here he finally weighs in and chooses Solomon.  And he writes (the book is first person from the point of view of David) that he did it because he saw Bathsheba look scared when she brought the news of Abonijah’s feast and how she’d always meant something to him.  Maybe the real David was more personally offended by someone else presuming to have himself called king, but I like Heller’s account.

David has Solomon named king, proclaimed in the streets, anointed by Nathan, and allowed to sit on his throne. 

Then word gets back to Adonijah.  I like the scene of them finding out.  A messenger comes from the palace to break the bad news, but before he can speak Adonijah says, “Come, you are a man of worth and must bring good news.” The messenger shouts back, “Hardly.”  Heh.  That gave me a laugh.  (The footnote says it’s a very rough translation, as in ancient Hebrew he made a sarcastic reply). 

They learn the news and begin their mass freak out.  Adonijah fears for his life, but Solomon says he’ll be safe.

Also, apparently David in his old age has been given a young virgin, in hopes she can get him going.  Her name is Abishag the Shumanite.  Joseph Heller’ s book begins with a section on her and David, so this minor Biblical character always sticks out to me.

CHAPTER 2

Now David dies.  He gives some final instructions first.  Basically, he tells Solomon to whack all the guys that Solomon will soon whack.  First, though, he tells Solomon to stay loyal and true to God always. 

For the most part it’s pretty generic advice, but I was displeased by one item. David tells Solomon to whack Shimel.  That’s the guy who cursed David in Chapter 16 of Samuel II.  I can understand the motive to whack the guy given that he cursed David, but that was one of my favorite Biblical passages specifically because how David responds.  He took the high road and let the man curse him.  David had found some acceptance of others. When he came back, David – now victorious – refused to harm him.  He looked benevolent.  Now he’s telling Solomon to whack him.  That really dings the appeal of how David appeared earlier with Shimel. 

Then David dies.  Let me go back to Joseph Heller for a second. “God Knows” wasn’t a great book, but it had one of the best end lines of any book I’ve ever read. It’s established during the book that David is sad in his old age.  Not mopey, but the last acts of his life didn’t quite go according to plan.  He feels abandoned by God ever since  Bathsheba’s first child  by him died. 

At the end, David remembers when he first saw King Saul to play the lyre to the badly depressed king.  He played, Saul felt better – and then threw a spear at his head.  David says he never saw a face so sad in his life – until a few minutes ago when Abishag gave him a mirror to look at his own face.  He now knows what Saul felt like when he threw that spear.  The last line: “I want my God back.  Then send me a girl.”  I might have the wording a tad off, but I just found that incredibly powerful.  I made me feel sad for David – and Saul.

Well, here David dies, after 40 years on the throne.

Now Solomon has to solidify his reign.  After all, there are still a lot of people out there that preferred another person to succeed David.  The main rival is of course brother Adonijah, and this could be tricky as Solomon has already pledged he’ll spare Abonijah’s life for wanting to be king.

But again Adonijah overplays his hand.  He has a request – he wants Abishag the Shunamite, David’s unconsummated concubine.  Adonijah really should know better.  Reuben sleeping with Jacob’s concubine was held against him.  Hell, Adonijah’s own brother Absalom slept with 10 of David’s concubines – who David never touched again as a result. Well, this gives Solomon an excuse.  He won’t kill his brother for trying to be king, but he will kill him for this affront to their father.  Bye, Adonijah. You blew it.

Next up – the rest of the clean up.  Joab dies with his hands on the altar.  Abiathar the priest gets off lightly – he’s just removed from office.  Shimei is placed under house arrest in Jerusalem, and when he blows terms of his house arrest, then he’s executed. 

CHAPTER 3

And now for one of the most famous stories in the entire Bible – it’s Solomon and the baby with two moms.  Wait – before I get to that, I have to note the first part of the chapter.  God makes Solomon an offer – name anything you want, and I’ll give it to you.  But it can only be one thing.  Solomon asks for great wisdom.  God rejoices that Solomon would ask for wisdom instead of riches or power or Michelle Pfieffer – and tells Solomon that he’ll have all the wisdom as well as riches and power and the like.  So Solomon’s wisdom is divinely given. 

Now we get to the famous example of his wisdom: the baby-slicing story.  Two women – prostitutes – live together and have recently given birth.  One baby died, and that mother claims the child as her own.  But who is the real mother and who isn’t?  Know you can say and DNA testing is still well off in the future.  So Solomon proposed to cut the baby in half.  Well, the fake mom goes along with it, but the real mom doesn’t, so Solomon figures it’s her kid.

Does anyone else find this to be a weird story? Why would either woman agree to this?  I assume they both want a baby, and this would just suck.  The false mom isn’t just a baby thief  but someone willing to sign off on baby murder?  Also, if she really wants the baby, wouldn’t she realize that she’d be more convincing to act horrified here?  She says in the Bible that is Solomon cuts the baby in half that neither one of them will have it, so fine.  Man, that just sounds so guilty.

But I’ve heard an interesting analysis of this incident from – of all things – Larry Gonick’s “Cartoon History of the Universe.”  That’s actually a fantastic book, but he has quite a moment here.  He gives the theory – not at all original to him (but it is where I encountered it) – that this is a political parable.

The parable: the legitimate mother is the House of Saul.  The fake mom is the House of David.  The baby is the kingdom of Israel.  The sword is war.  Solomon is Solomon.  There are still some surviving members of the House of Saul, and the threat of civil war hovered over the end of David’s reign.  The parable meant that surviving Saul-ers should do the right thing and renounce their claim to Israel that the House of David has taken, because otherwise Solomon will plunge the nation into civil war so the House of David can keep their share of the baby. 

Gonick ends this analysis by noting how the Bible says all Israel “trembled” when they heard this story.  Shaking with fear is a strange reaction – unless you figure it as a political parable. 

That’s great analysis and I think it makes more sense than the actual story.  But there is one big problem.  My Bible doesn’t say “trembled.”  It says: “”When all Israel heard the judgment the king had given, they were in awe of him, because they saw that the king had in him the wisdom of God for giving right judgment.” In awe, not tremble.  (That said, if I were an Israeli, I’d wonder what kind of king would threaten to slice a baby in two, but maybe that’s just me). 

Let’s check some other Bibles.  Here is what the Gideon Bible says, “they feared the king.”  Fear, not awe.  That’s more like it.  I got one more – the old, old, old family Catholic Bible.  (It’s pre-Vatican II – from 1950).  It says  “they feared the king” just like the Gideons. 

By and large I like the Bible I’ve been using it.  I like its translations and frequent footnotes.  But I think it gets this one a bit off.  I’d go with fear here – which fits the idea that it’s a political parable.

CHAPTER 4

This isn’t much of a chapter – just a catalogue of Solomon’s officials.  A few things I found notable. 

First, two of them are sons of Nathan, the prophet.  Second, he has a bunch of governors for the land, but not all the lands really correspond to the traditional tribes.  This is notable and a source of concern for some.  It’s a sign of centralization.  As long as Israel is organized by tribe, it gives power to the local (re: tribal) leaders.  Breaking it up some gives power to the king. 

Also, we’re told at the end that aside from these 12 governors, there is a 13^th governor just for Judah.  So even though Judah is over a third of the people, they are just one of 13 governing units.  Solomon is looking to keep a closer eye on the tribes that aren’t his.  That’s shrewd.  But this also affects how he’ll do taxation, so Judah will only be taxed 1/13^th of the Israel total despite being far more people than that.  The rest of Israel gets a higher level of the tax burden.  Here, you can start to see the basis for why the kingdom will split in two after Solomon dies.

CHAPTER 5

This is a chapter on how awesome Solomon is.  It claims he rules all the way to the Euphrates, which is likely hyperbole.  He has all kinds of bling.  He has 40,000 horse and 12,000 horsemen.  Oh, and his governors each have to supply all his income for one month each.  So Judah really gets off light then. Solomon gets all kinds of credit for his wisdom, but in his basic governance he’s planting the seeds for a civil war.  That can’t be what he wants.

He’s such a wise guy that he’s associated with 3,000 proverbs and 1,005 songs. I like that – not 1,000 but 1,005.  People from all over come to hear his wisdom.  Other kings even send people to heard his wisdom.

But Solomon has a goal – he wants to build a temple to the Lord.  Solomon says his dad never could because he was busy in war, but Solomon doesn’t have to worry about that. (Note: this is a tacit admission that he doesn’t really rule to the Euphrates.  You damn well know that would take war, and the Bible is totally silent on any such campaigns).  Solomon wants the best stuff for it, so he has cedars for Lebanon brought down for it.  The king of that region is A-OK with helping Solomon out.  His family was friends with David, after all.

This also takes labor, and here is where we get another sign of the limits of Solomon’s wisdom.  He takes up 30,000 forced laborers to do his tasks.  They work in teams of 10,000, one month each in Lebanon and two months home.  He has 70,000 carries and 80,000 stone cutters also work on the project. This is immense.  Oh, I forgot the 3,300 overseers. 

Oh, and as a general rule of thumb, people hate a labor tax.  Its forced labor.  It’s unpaid forced labor.  In fact, in the ancient Hebrew the word used to describe this labor tax is the same word used to describe the labor the Pharaoh forces upon the Hebrew back in Exodus.  That word is typically translated as slavery and this as “forced laborers” – but that tells you how much people hated this. 

Also, I don’t know why the project is so big.  The Temple itself actually wasn’t that big.  The original temple wasn’t intended to be used by the masses.  It was a dwelling place for the Lord’s tabernacle.  Only priests really used it, from what I’m told.  Half of it is just for the Lord himself – the holiest of holies.  I might have this wrong, but I believe that’s how Richard Elliot Friedman described it in “Who Wrote the Bible.”  I’ll wait – the dimensions will be given in a few chapters. (Side note: my memory of Who Wrote the Bible is also my source for the labor tax translation stuff in the last paragraph).

But imagine, if you dare, a project so big as to require over 180,000 laborers.  It makes Solomon sounds like a pharaoh building a pyramid.  It’s a grand and wonderful  scale, but kings who usually build on this big a scale are usually complete self-centered assholes.  Ask North Korea. 

Click here for the next part: Chapters 6 to 11 of Kings I.

Kings I: Main Page

Chapters 1 to 5
Chapters 6 to 11
Chapters 12 to 16
Chapters 17 to 22

Samuel II: Chapters 20 to 24

Last time, David's son Absalom rebelled.  Now for the final chapters of Samuel II.

CHAPTER 20

It turns out that brief coda at the end of Chapter 19 is actually the beginning of the story in Chapter 20.  With Judah and Israel feuding, a Benjaminite named Sheba declares his people have no share of David – “To your tents, O Israel.”  And we see the forces that will later tear Israel into two kingdoms are already playing themselves out.  This is the danger of having a member of by far the biggest tribe – Judah – rule over all.  Now they’re afraid of Judah domination.  Absalom must’ve played off this fear in his aborted rebellion.

Before the rebellion can be cracked down, Joab has a bit of personal business to attend to.  As a peace offering, David had let Amasa, a top general under Absalom, maintain a strong post.  Well, David might be magnanimous, but Joab sees him as a threat.  So Joab kills him.  He went to kiss him – different standards of manly behavior back then – and with one hand stabbed Amasa in the gut.  There really is nothing David is going to do about it.  He isn’t happy, but he needs Joab.  Heck, he now really needs him, given that he just killed the other top general.

(Speaking of David’s decisions, he opts never to see his 10 concubines again – the ones Absalom raped.  He takes care of them financially, but won’t get sloppy seconds from his rebellious son).  Bummer for those girls.

As for the rebellion itself, they put it down pretty easily.  Joab finds the town where Amasa is, and the people of the town make an agreement with Joab. He won’t sack the town if they take Amasa.  So they do and throw Amasa’s head over the wall. Satisfied, Joab moves on.

CHAPTER 21

The last four chapters of Samuel II are under the header “Appendixes” so its stuff that didn’t fit in elsewhere.

Actually, I think Chapter 21 doesn’t fit in too badly right after Chapter 20.  Here is where David gets old.  He is fighting the Philistines on more time (so maybe it was a while ago; they aren’t making too much noise as this book goes on) and is nearly killed by a Philistine soldier.  Everyone in the army is freaked and all agree that David shouldn’t risk himself in battle anymore.  He’s getting too old for this shit. 

Before that, there is a very curious tale recounted in the Bible; one that is largely out of character for the Old Testament.  There is a three-year famine going on in Israel.  David learns from the Lord (it’s not clear if word is coming directly from God or a surrogate) what the problem is.  There is bloodguilt on the House of Saul for killing some Gideonites.

First off – when did this happen?  Oh, I’m sure it’s in Samuel I somewhere, but I don’t remember it.  Second – the hell?  Now the Bible is upset at Saul for not killing enough people?  In his own lifetime, Samuel broke with Saul – and announced that Saul had lost God’s support – for the exact OPPOSITE reason.  Samuel was irked that Saul hadn’t committed a full genocide on a town.  But now we’re told that killing too many was Saul’s problems.  (OK, it’s a different people, but still – weird).  Man, Saul can’t win.  Damned if he does; damned if he doesn’t.  Like I said, this is totally out of character with the Bible, which has been rather pro-genocide when it comes to the enemies of the Hebrew. 

So David needs to make amends to end the famine, and he tells the Gideonites – name your price.  I’ll give you whatever you want in hopes that’ll appease God and end the famine.  After some hemming and hawing, they name their price – give us not money, but seven descendents of the House of Saul, “that we may execute them before the Lord in Gideon, on the Lord’s mountain.” 

Wait – what?  Whoah!  Oh, and David accepts without protest.

Lotta craziness to unpack in a short amount of space here.  Let’s start with this – this is human sacrifice.  They are talking about sacrificing human beings to create rain.  This is something you’d expect out of a more earthy, animistic religion; not the Bible.  This is the stuff of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.”  And the Torah told everyone not to do stuff like this.  OK, so it’s the Gideonites doing it, not Israel – same difference.  They will be complacent in this vile action.  It reminds me of Judges 11 when Jepthahth sacrifices his own daughter; but at least that one can be excused of occurring in the mists of early Hebrew life before their theology had congealed.  Well, the Torah and its rules were all written post-David, too, but it’s stunning to see a human sacrifice occurring this late.

Second, I can’t help but notice a clear political motivation lurking in the background.  David is damn near wiping out the House of Saul.  They are a rival royal line.  They are the direct blood ancestors of the previous kings.  And we know at this point in the Bible that the non-Judea tribes were unhappy with having David as their king.  Now they’ll be killed.

Let’s think for a second.  How do we know God sent the famine due to the killing of the Gideonites?  David says so.  Is David reporting what God said or is he just using the famine as pretext and claiming divine justification. 

Again, the wording of God and the famine is unclear as to how exactly the word got out: “David sought the presence of the Lord, who said: There is bloodguilt on Saul and his family because he put the Gideonites to death.”  I guess its God talking – or “talking” – directly to David.  Which would be the first time since the Bathsheba affair, when it appeared David lost much of God’s favor.  This smacks entirely of David using religion for his own ends.

When it’s time to give up seven people, David refuses to part with Jonathan’s lame-footed son, Meribbaal.  So David is playing favorites. 

The murders occur and God ends the famine.  Yeah, it’s a freaking sacrifice to a rain god, but in the Bible. 

CHAPTER 22

Well, this is unexpected.  It’s Psalm 18, dumped right here in Samuel II.  Well, technically I should say Chapter 22 of Samuel II is rehashed as Psalm 18.  It’s David’s song of Thanksgiving.  It’s a long one and associated with David, so they decided to include it here.  But they didn’t know where to put it, so they stuck it in the appendix. 

This is one of the most vivid and memorable psalms.  It’s also, not at all coincidentally, one of the most violent ones of all.  It’s David celebrating the power of the Lord, his own faithfulness to the Lord, and how he was able to overcome and slay his enemies. 

It’s not quite word-for-word.  In fact, the line I most remember from Psalm 18 has been changed here.  In Psalms 18, the line is: “You made my foes expose their necks to me.”  You have to admit, that is some memorably imagery there. Here, though, the line reads: “My foes you put to flight before me.”  That’s really watered down, Samuel II.  (Or really punched up. Psalm 18).  Well, at least they keep the next verse the same: “They cried for help, but not one saved them.”

David comes off like one cocky son of a gun in this psalm.  He won – he did it.  He’s awesome – and he thanks the Lord because he knows God is on his side.  This is not the David of the Absalom story at all.  This must be pre-Bathsheba David, because he couldn’t have been this confident in God’s goodwill to him after that. 

It doesn’t sound like a poem celebrating his outliving Saul, either.  You wouldn’t want to be too boastful.  Besides, David didn’t take part in Saul’s death.  No, this must be after a victory over the Philistines or something like that.  This must be David in the era of “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” 

Weird that nearly exact same song appears twice in the Bible.

CHAPTER 23

This chapter is primarily a roll call of David’s main warriors.  Much of it is a boring list, but there are a few items of note.  First, the last one mentioned is Mr. Bathsheba, Uriah the Hittite. 

Second, the depictions of some warriors are interesting. One supposedly killed over 800 Philistines in one day with a spear.  Another kept slicing Philistines up with his sword in one battle until his hand got tired. 

Third, it leads off with a song/poem, that is supposedly David’s last words. I don’t buy it.  He sounds more like the earlier, boastful David, and less like the later wiser David who is aware of his mistakes and failings, and therefore understands the problems of others better.

But the most memorable part is a story that makes David look like a capricious dick.  He is with some of his best soldiers, when he says, “If only someone would give me a drink of water from the cistern by the gate of Bethlehem.”  Mind you, at the time that’s in Philistine hands.   

So three guys take off, break through Philistine lines, get to the well, draw water, come back, and present it to David.  It’s like the world’s lamest plot to an Expendables movie.  (This time – they’re out for water!)

When they give David the water, he says he can’t drink it, that it’s the blood of these men and he can’t drink their sacrifice, so he pours it on the ground.  Aw, man – really?  Look, I agree that they went a little nutty with the make-the-king-feel-happy thing.  But once they’ve done it, once they’ve risked their lives, why not show how much you care for what they’ve done by drinking the water.  He didn’t exactly order it, but he said he wanted it down, they did it – may as well enjoy the water, fool!

What is he thinking?  I guess he was just thinking out loud when he made his exclamation for water.  Once he sees they’ve actually done it, he’s horrified.  My God, even a casual, passing, needless statement can result in men nearly getting killed for me?  Well, we can’t have that.  To make sure no one goes this far again, I’ll dump the water.  OK, when you put it like that, I can half understand David’s point of view.  But the Bible doesn’t phrase it quite that cleanly. 

(Random story: this David story reminds me of the first history conference I presented a paper at – the Small Cities Conference at Ball State. The college president spoke to it briefly, saying how this conference was his first lesson in his power as new college president.  Shortly after getting the job, he spoke to some people at a reception, including the guy who created the conference.  The guy pitched the idea and the president just said, “Oh, that sounds nice” – and then a few weeks later he learned that now plans were underway to have the conference because he’d said it was a good idea.  Maybe David had an experience like that, only with life or death stakes).

CHAPTER 24

The Second Book of Samuel ends with a weird story that makes God look like a jerk. 

David decides to hold a census.  He tells Joab to get a-counting.  Joab isn’t’ so sure it’s a good idea.  Do we have the Lord’s OK on this?  Joab doesn’t say why he thinks you’d need the Lord’s OK on this, so this just seems weird.  Apparently, it’s self-evident to the Bible writer that you wouldn’t do a census without holy approval.  However, from our perspective a census sounds rather mundane and generic. 

They do the census and find 1,300,000 in all – 500,000 in Judea and the rest in the other tribes.  (No, there is no tribe-by-tribe breakdown for the rest). 

As soon as David gets the results he freaks out, saying he has sinned grievously before the Lord.  Huh?  Bible – a little help here?  Can you explain this one please?  Well, it doesn’t explain.  We’re just supposed to know that a census is unholy.  Uh-huh.

In fact, it’s so unholy, that the prophet Gad makes David an offer.  God has spoken to Gad and boy oh boy is God ever pissed. Again, the reason why a census is so horrible isn’t given.  And God says David has three choices of punishment: 1) three years of famine, 2) three months fleeing from your enemies, or 3) 3 days of plague. 

The hell?  Over a census?  And he’s not even punishing David!  Just the people he counted.  Well, David picks door #3, and it happens.  David is horrified and tells God that he’s the one who should be punished not the people of Israel.  Half-right.  The people shouldn’t be punished – but I can’t see any reason why David should be either.  Anyhow, the plague ends after three days and David makes sacrifices.

Why is the census such a big deal?  Random guess time – it deals with the divisions within the tribes.  We know that Judea is in David’s pocket but the others aren’t.  Maybe he wanted the census to gauge the strengths of the various tribes to see how serious a possible civil war would be.  Maybe it’s a sign he didn’t think that God’s people would stick together. (SPOILER: They won’t, in the very next Bible book).  Maybe that’s why God is upset at David.

But it’s all random guesswork.  As written, this Bible chunk makes no sense; no sense at all. 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

The Bible is at its best when it is human, and its rarely as human as when it tells the story of David.  He’s no saint; that’s for sure. How he treats Uriah the Hittite is reprehensible and unforgivable.

But if he can’t make up for that, at least he can learn compassion and wisdom.  His actions on the flight from Absalom show a kinder, gentler, wiser, and more reflective David.  His previous actions might be unforgivable, but the man has atoned as much as he can.  He comes out the other side a better person, though a sadder one.

This Bible book is David getting his comeuppance and then still proving to be a worthy man despite his sinful nature.   Unlike Saul, once David starts declining, he can right himself to some extent. This is fascinating.  It’s one of my favorite parts of the Bible so far.

Click here to begin Kings I.