Saturday, August 31, 2013

Samuel I: Chapters 1 to 6

Last time was the Book of Ruth.  This time the First Book of Samuel begins.


CHAPTER 1

Enter Samuel.  Well, not quite right away.  First we meet his parents.  His dad, like most guys in the Old Testament, has more than one wife.  One wife has given him kids and the other is barren.  Despite that, the man (Eklanah is his name) preferred the barren wife (Hannah) to the fruitful one (Peninnah).  Well, that’s an interesting reversal from the normal.  He even let Hannah eat a double potion in their annual trip to the holy site – which is in Shiloh at this time. He must really love her – or really not like his other wife much.

Well, Peninnah doesn’t much care for this, and mocks Hannah.  Saddened, Hannah starts praying while in the temple at Shiloh.  Her prayer is a simple one – if God gives her a son, she’ll give the boy to God in the temple, and never let a razor touch his hair.  Oh, he’ll be one of those guys like Samson – a Nazarite, I believe they’re called.

And now a real dick move occurs, courtesy aging priest and judge, Eli.  He sees Hannah praying, and notices her lips are moving but no words coming out.  Eli assumes she’s drunk and walks over to her to tell her to cut it out.  She’s making a spectacle of herself.  Hold on a second.  He’s a priest in the temple – is he really so unfamiliar with the site of someone praying like that?  Is it unheard of for someone’s lips to move without making a sound?  OK, let’s assume that many are drunk in the temple.  It is a regular gathering after all.  And let’s assume he even has reason to suspect she’s drunk based on her behavior.  Even assuming all that, there is no upside to acting like this.  He can suspect she’s drunk, but he can’t literally know it.  He should approach it differently.  He should walk up to her more inquisitive and skeptical, and find out if she’s drunk.  Just assuming it and bawling her out?  Dick move.  That’s a pure dick move. 

And of course she isn’t drunk.  Eli might’ve mistaken her prayer, but God didn’t, and she does become pregnant with Samuel.  She actually skips the temple the next year, saying she’ll return when Samuel has been weaned, and then he can spend the rest of his life there.  And that is what she does.

CHAPTER 2

The first part of this is Hannah’s prayer to God.  (It’s not the prayer Eli misinterpreted but a prayer of thanks after Samuel’s birth). Well, it’s a prayer attributed to Hannah anyway.  I don’t much buy it myself.  It sounds more like a psalm attributed to David.  It sounds more like the prayer of a warrior, not a newly happy mother.  Early on “Hannah” says in the prayer, “I have swallowed up my enemies.”  Who are her enemies?  The rival wife?  I dunno, I guess she’s an enemy, but how has she been swallowed up?  Later on the prayer/poem says “The Lord’s foes shall be shattered” and I guess that can work, but there are enough lines like that that make this seem more like a poem of warfare.  Please note there are no lines about how wonderful it is that a new boy has been born.  The closest it gets is “The barren wife bears seven sons while the mother of many languishes” but even that comes off more allegorical. 

It’s just very hard to believe that this is the prayer of a new mother because it doesn’t sound like one at all.  Well, she gives Samuel to the  Shiloh temple and comes to see him every year as he grows up.

But all is not well in Shiloh.  Eli’s sons are complete and utter jerks.  They, while serving as priests, will take the best part of the offering – the part intended for the Lord – and eat it themselves.  That’s a big no-no.  That goes all against the Torah and custom.  If people refuse to give them the Lord’s portion of the offering, one son would say, “No, give it to me now, or else I will take it by force.”  Man, thug priests!  (Also, I’d like to see them try.  Unless they are the toughest guys in all the land, they’ll get their clock cleaned by some of these farmers and herdsmen who work with their hands and brawn).

Eli rebukes his sons, but it’s a weak, futile, and ineffectual effort.  Eli doesn’t come off well at all here.  In fact, the last fourth of the chapter consists of a traveler – an unnamed one – upbraiding Eli.  The traveler is just described as “A man of God” and it’s not clear what that means.  Angel?  Nah, the Bible usually says so.  Prophet?  OK, but it’s a prophet  without a name who only shows up once.

His name should be Literary Device as that’s all he is.  He tells Eli that because he’s let his sons run roughshod over their duties and over the people of Israel, a big punishment is coming and they’ll deserve it.  Then Mr. Literary Device describes the next two chapters.   You and your sons will all die on the same day.  You family will not carry on.  You suck, Eli!

CHAPTER 3

Now here is where Samuel comes into his own.  He first hears the voice of God.  He’s staying at the temple with Eli, whose eyesight is apparently shot (and Samuel is there to help out the half-blind old man).  God calls and Samuel thinks it’s Eli.  Nope, not me, Eli says, and Samuel goes back to his room to sleep.  Then it happens again.  And again – and on that third try, Eli figures out it must be God talking to Samuel. 

So Eli instructs Samuel what to do.  If you hear it again, respond by saying your servant is listening.  Samuel does it, and God tells Samuel a message.  God is very unhappy with the House of Eli, and they are so in for it.  

How is that for a first prophecy?  God’s first words to Samuel are essentially: I’m going to get some serious payback on your boss – and he’s not just your boss, but your father figure, too.  (After all, as bad a job as Eli apparently did raising his own two sons, he’s got to be the one responsible for raising Samuel, too).

Samuel doesn’t know what to do with this info.  Do you tell this to Eli?  Do you really tell him that God himself wants to whack him?  Well, Eli simplifies everything with Samuel, making as clear as he can that he wants Samuel to tell him everything, and leave the varnish off.  Maybe Eli is jealous. Maybe he feels it’s his responsibility, being judge and high priest.  Maybe he has an inclining of what the message might be.  After all, he knows his sons are misbehaving and that he can’t stop them, and now God is targeting the nearest non-blood relative for a message. 

So Samuel tells Eli the bad news from God.  To his credit, Eli takes it well, saying: “It is the Lord.  What is pleasing in the Lord’s sight, the Lord will do.”  Clearly, there are worse ways to respond to this message.  Eli earns himself a bit of redemption here.  So far, he’s been a dick to Samuel’s mom and what little we know of his raising of his sons isn’t positive, but he handles the worst possible news well.  He isn’t a bad man, just a flawed one.

CHAPTER 4

Here is where the Literary Device’s prophecy comes true. 

The Philistines fight the Israelites and crush them, killing 4,000 in one battle.  Bereaved, the 12 tribes haul out their ultimate weapon – the ark of the Lord.  They take it from Shiloh and bring it to the battlefront.  Those Philistines  can beat us, but can they beat the Lord, too?  Yeah, actually they can.

Well, the Philistines are initially really freaked when they hear about the Ark (or so the Bible says).  They’ve heard the stories of the plagues and the parting of the waters and the conquests of Joshua and all that.  These Philistines are polytheists and they recognize stories of a powerful god when they hear one (though they won’t believe it’s the only god, but to be fair it’s not clear that the Hebrew are actual monotheists back then.  They mostly just think that their God is the most powerful one of all).  Anyhow, the Philistines pretty much shit their pants when they hear the ark is being called out.

But they decided it’s time to suck it up and fight.  If the ark is against us, well, that means we should just fight that much harder.  Go big or go home.  Win or die trying.  And they win and win big.  30,000  Israelites die in the battle and the ark itself is captured and taken back.  Oh, and among the dead are Levi’s two sons, Dip and Shit.  News travels back to Israel quickly and when Levi hears the news, the half-blind man falls backwards, breaking his neck and dying.  He was 98 years old. 

(The Bible says he’d been a judge for 40 years.  Given that the Book of Judges took at least 370 years, we’re now a minimum of 410 years since the death of Joshua). 

There is one unexpected coda, Levi’s daughter-in-law gives birth that day.  She names her son Ichabod, saying “Gone is the glory from Israel.”  I guess that’s what Ichabod means in ancient Hebrew.  Wow, what a horrible name to give a kid.  I know he’s born at a terrible time for the nation and for the family, but a name like that? Are you trying to drive the kid to suicide?

CHAPTER 5

This is a short chapter (just 12 verses) but an interesting one.  The Philistines have the Ark, so they put it in their temple, by their statue to their god, Dagon.  Bad move, guys, bad move.

They put it in the room one night, and the next morning the statue of Dagon is on the ground by the ark.  Hmmm – well, let’s guess it’s just one of those things.  Sure, but piles of stone just happen to fall over all the time, right?  The next night, the same thing happens.  Only this time, Dagon’s head and hands have been broken off.  Oh, that’s new.  God is really showing his displeasure.

Next comes a bit of the Bible I find fascinating.  We’re told that because of the destruction of Dagon, “neither the priests of Dagon nor any others who entered the temple of Dagon tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.”  OK, that’s  interesting.  I wonder if it’s true that the Philistines never entered the threshold of their temple.  My hunch is that’s true, because it’s otherwise a too easy to refute thing to put in the Bible. OK, but is this the reason why?  My hunch is no.  If it’s true, the Philistines probably won’t keep worshiping Dagon.  Hell, they might even bleed in with the Hebrew and follow Yawheh.  My hunch is that the Philistines had a tradition of never entering the threshold of the room where they keep their god’s statue, and the Israelis knew it.  So they explained it like this.  Oh, our God so totally kicked their god’s ass that to this day you can see his imprint on the butt of every priest of Dagon! 

Now the Philistines start getting ravaged with ….something. The Bible isn’t too clear.  It just says tumors.  A footnote theorizes that it’s Bubonic Plague, because swollen lymph nodes – “tumors” are one symptom.  It’s a theory.  Anyone, people are afflicted, so everyone wants the Ark out of Ashdod.

So the road show begins.  They move the ark to a town called Gath, and guess what?  Tumors follow.  The ark is apparently an early form of biological warfare.  Are those two tablets inside wrapped with smallpox-laden blankets or something?  It gets taken out of Gath and sent to the town of Ekron, but the people there aren’t dummies.  Get this thing away from us!  Are you guys crazy?  Are you trying to get us all killed?  They read the newspaper.  They know the score.  It’s a bit darkly comic here, really. 


CHAPTER 6

So the Philistine brain trust gathers and decide on a plan – let’s give the Israelis their ark back. (This also makes me think the ark was never taken.  If it had, it wouldn’t be just given back.  But then again, I’m not a believer). 

They decide to give some offerings with the ark, to make amends with God as best they can.  They make five golden tumors and five gold mice.  The tumors are for their illness, but what’s with the mice?  Well, according to the footnote, mice are associated with the plague.  People get sick, they can’t go out into the field, and mice overrun the fields.  That’s just a theory.  The Bible itself doesn’t explain the mice. 

Actually, there almost certainly were five golden tumors and five golden mice in the temple first in Shiloh and then later in Jerusalem.  After all, once they get them, why would they throw them away?  As the centuries past, the hows/whys of the golden mice/tumors faded away.   And they could’ve been embarrassing given the prohibition against molten images, like the Golden Calf.  So you say the Philistines made them, and thus can keep them around as historical items while dodging the issue of Hebrew not following the commandments.  There are hints throughout the Bible of practices and objects that go back a long time that seem to contradict the rules of their religion.  (For example, the custom of Israeli women to mourn the daughter of Jephthah, who he killed in a religious sacrifice, despite all the condemning of human sacrifice in the Torah).

Getting back on track here, two milk cows take the ark back with the mice and tumors.  Why milk cows?  I dunno, but it does lead to the random detail thrown in that the mooed as they went on the road to Hebrew lands.  I love some of these random, scenic details thrown in. 

Well, the Hebrew are thrilled to have their ark back.  They celebrate.  Well, most do.  One group – the descendants of Jeconiah (no, I have no idea who they are) – didn’t celebrate.   And so God kills 70 of them.  Yikes!   Boy, you really need to be careful around this ark.  Party – or die!  The people of the town then send messengers saying the Philistines have returned the ark, come get it. Yeah, I’ll be they want someone to come get it, what with all the death that came with it.  You’d imagine the return of the ark would be a purely happy occasion, but you better watch your step around God.  No wonder those guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark stuck in a box never to be seen again.  Dangerous stuff, man.  Dangerous stuff.

Click here for Chapters 7 to 11 on the First Book of Samuel. 

Main Page: Book of Samuel I

Chapters 1 to 6
Chapters 7 to 11 
Chapters 12 to 16
Chapters 17 to 22
Chapters 23 to 26
Chapters 27 to 31

Friday, August 30, 2013

The Book of Ruth

Last time, we finished off Samson.  Next up -- the Book of Ruth, all four chapters of it in one entry.


CHAPTER 1

Well, time for the first short books of the Bible, and it’s one of the most beloved short books.  In “The Good Book,” David Plotz said it’s his favorite book in the entire Bible. I can see why.  The Bible is best when it is about people, and this is first and foremost a story about people; a story about highly likable, genuine people. 

That said, my own memories of the book from my previous attempts at reading the Bible are fairly hazy.  I knew the general outline that Ruth is a good woman who gets married and becomes an ancestor of David – oh, and there is farming involved – but beyond that the only things I know are what I read in Plotz’s book.  Well, let’s get to it, then.

The first line tells us that this is about life in the time of the judges, which is why it’s placed here in the Bible.  The other short story like books come later, but not Ruth.  Anyhow, the first person we meet isn’t Ruth, but Naomi.  There is a famine going on in Israel, causing Naomi, her husband, and two sons to travel to nearby Moab to survive.  While in Moab, Naomi’s husband dies, but her two sons both marry Moabite girls – Orpah and Ruth.  So we meet our main character.

Well, more tragedy follows, as Naomi’s two sons die, leaving her a widow with two widows daughter-in-laws.  This is all just in the first five verses.  Well, Naomi decides to go back home eventually and tells her daughters-in-law (who she considers to be daughters) to go back to their old homes.  After all, Naomi has no more sons and can’t help them at all.  They should go back to live their lives.  Both Orpah and Ruth refuse. Naomi has been so kind to them and say they would rather go back with her.  Naomi insists, saying her lot in life is too bitter.  There is no reason to follow her.  Oraph weeps aloud, kisses her mother-in-law goodbye, and leaves.  Ruth does not.

This is interesting, because we’re seeing very real humans dealing with choices where there is no clear right or wrong answer.  Yes it’s nice to be loyal to one’s mother-in-law, but then again what does the future hold in store if they follow the widow to a land they do not know and to a place they aren’t familiar with?  Far too much of the Bible portrays Good Guys and Bad Guys, but there are no bad guys here.  It is just people.  There are good guys, though.  Everyone here so far is a root-for-able person.  All three main characters are trying to be selfless and put others first – Naomi, Orpah, and Ruth.  Sure, Orpah does relent, but you can’t blame here, and she only did after Naomi worked hard to convince her.  The scene of Orpah’s departure is an interesting moral choice.  It’s understandable.  It’s human.

Well, I’m stalling too long because one of the best parts of the Bible is coming up now. Naomi tries once again to convince Ruth to go back to Moab, and Ruth comes back with one of my favorite Bible passages of all, telling her mother-in-law: “Wherever you go I will go, wherever you lodge I will lodge.  Your people shall be my people and your God, my God.  Where you die I will die and there be buried.”

That’s beautiful.  That is simply beautiful.  It’s poetry.  (That’s literally true, as the Bible presents it in verse form).  And we see what sort of person Ruth is – a deeply loyal one.  A genuinely good person.  Ain’t many of them; not nearly enough anyway.  Oh, and most interesting of all, given that this is the Bible, is the attitude toward religion.  She isn’t going to convert due to any theology or love of God or fear of her wrath.  No.  Her beloved mother-in-law follows Yahweh so she shall, too.  That’s not how an expert theologian would write the story, but who wants to read a story by an expert theologian?  It makes Ruth more human, which is when the Bible is at its best.

Naomi sees Ruth won’t be swayed and they return together to Ruth’s hometown of Bethlehem.  Naomi says tells people she should be called Mara, because that means bitter and her actual name means sweet.  Huh, I didn’t know that.  Now I suddenly like the name Naomi a lot more.  I’ve always liked it, but this makes it better.

CHAPTER 2

Now the story starts moving toward its happy ending.  Ruth goes to work in the field.  She gleans, whatever the hell that means.  A man named Boaz sees her and takes a liking to her.  She’s a hard worker, and Boaz is related to Naomi apparently, so he tells Ruth to only glean in his fields. Apparently, gleaning in another’s fields would look bad, but since Boaz is related somehow, it isn’t as bad. 

Ruth is quickly quite happy, and lays prostate before him, wondering why she, a foreigner, should get this attention.  His answer – he’s heard what a good person she is and how she’s helping her mother-in-law.  Awwww!  That’s sweet.  Boaz has been around for barely 10 verses and we’re already rooting for him, too.  There are just so many likable characters in this book. 

Well, Ruth goes back and tells Naomi the score, and Naomi is ecstatic.  It turns out that Boaz is a possible redeemer.  Somewhere in the Torah is rules for who should remarry a widow, and the short version is that the nearest male relative should marry the widow if he can, in order to keep things inside the family.  If not him, then the next nearest.  This was a custom going all the way back to the time of the patriarchs.  It’s relevant to the plot of Chapter 38 in Genesis.

Well, now we learn that Boaz is a possible redeemer for Ruth.  Look, this story isn’t a suspense thriller.  We can see where this is headed, that’s not a big surprise.  But you get hooked because you like the damn characters and hope it’ll work out for them.  Just because you can see the happy ending coming doesn’t lessen the joy in seeing it there on the horizon.

CHAPTER 3

Well, things are moving quickly.  It is, after all, just a four chapter book.  Naomi gets Ruth all gussied up and has her go lie at the feet of Boaz’s bed.  He sees here there and she says, “Spread the wing of your cloak over your servant, for you are a redeemer.”  Well, that’s one way to ask for marriage.  (And it’s a woman doing the asking.  How progressive of the 3,000-ish year old story).

Boaz is game, but there is something that must be done in advance.  While he is a redeemer, there is a more closely related male redeemer out there.  That man has the law of first refusal before Boaz can have a crack.  So we have a brief little detour before we find out if these two crazy kids will be happy together.

CHAPTER 4

Boaz goes to the other redeemer, a guy whose name we never learn.  And it’s interesting how Boaz handles it.  He doesn’t lead with Ruth.  Instead, before a group of elders, Boaz tells Nameless Redeemer that Naomi has some land he’d like to redeem (re: acquire for himself).  But Boaz understands the other guy has dibs, so what will it be? 

Dibs!  Nameless says he’ll be redeemer of the land.

Now Boaz spring up the second part.  Oh, by the way, with the land you also get responsibility for Ruth the Moabite.  How about that?  Suddenly, Nameless is singing a different tune.  This is interesting and a little comical.  You can play this scene  several ways.  You can make Nameless a pompous greedy jerkwad.  After all, he’ll take the money but not the Moabite.  That’s one approach.  But I can feel for him as well.  He’s willing to take the land, sure – but now you’re going to stick him with a wife? Well, that’s a hell of a responsibility.  And what the heck is Boaz doing springing her on him like this on the sly?  Nameless isn’t as good at being selfless as the others in this story, but he really isn’t a bad guy.  He’s just human.

At any rate, a weird bit of Israeli custom plays out.  Nameless takes off his sandal because he won’t act as redeemer.  This particular custom is actually referred to back in Deuteronomy Chapter 25. It’s a custom that almost certainly first existed and then got written into Deuteronomy to get official sanctification.  (After all, it wasn’t opposed to any Moses beliefs, and it was a custom, so why not incorporate it in the Torah to give it that much more stature?)

Now the path is clear.  Boaz and Ruth can get what they both deserve – each other.  Naomi is bitter no more.  And Ruth gives birth to a baby boy named Obed.  He’ll be the father of Jesse, who will be the father of David – yes, that David. 

Hurrah for the happy ending!

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

This is a nice, sweet story.  It’s one you want to cheer.  It’s the Bible at its best, which is to say it’s the story of humans, rather than just of the divine.  People are always easier to relate to, after all.

The intro to the book says there are arguments about when it was written.  One theory is that it’s post-Babylon Captivity.  At that time, laws were produced that were stringent against marriage with Moabites, so this story makes a Moabite woman the hero – and the ancestor of David himself.  Perhaps that’s when it was created.

The story is almost certainly an example of Biblical fan-fic.  By that I mean it’s not really a necessary story about the people of Israel.  It’s not about God at all.  It’s about people, and then there’s a bit of a tie in to the story of Israel at the end, but it’s really just a story about people not really related to the main thrust of the Bible.

But it’s in the Bible anyway.  How can they leave it out? It was written, it’s fantastic, and I’m sure it was popular back in the day. So fine – but it in the Bible.  It made the cut. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Judges: Chapters 17 to 21

Last entry went over Jephthah and Samson.  Now it's time to finish off the Book of Judges itself.


CHAPTER 17

These final chapters in Judges are a bit weird.  They are not about judges.  Basically, they’re stories about the Hebrew from before the time of Samuel and after the time of Joshua that the author wanted to include, so in Judges they go.  These stories aren’t dated at all, so it’s hard to tell when they happened.  They’re just stuck at the end to not get in the way of what’s a largely chronological chapter.

There are just two stories, though.  One is about Micah and the Levite and is Chapters 17-18.  The main event is the abomination of the Tribe of Benjamin from Chapters 19-21. 

Chapter 17 is a short one at least.  There’s a story and it looks like we missed the first and second acts.  When we enter, a man named Micah tells his mom that he’s found the 1,100 silver pieces that she’d lost and had placed a curse upon.  Micah admits to her that he took and apparently feels bad enough to give it back and confess. 

She takes it well and orders some of the silver pieces to be made into a silver coat for an idol.  Yeah, this totally violated a commandment.  But then again this is probably one of those folk stories that emerged as the Hebrew themselves came into being.  The Bible hear doesn’t bring up the commandment being broken (my Bible’s footnote does, though).  The Bible does say, however, “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in their own eyes.”  That’s the theme of these last chapters, and these chapters really aren’t very nice ones for the most part.  It’s like the stories are told to show the downside of letting everyone go to hell in their own way. People need structure.  (No wonder the priests writing the Torah stressed centralization so much).

Anyhow, they make their idol and then a Levite comes there and they pay him to serve Micah & Mom as a priest.  Clearly, these people have some money.  The nameless Levite agrees.

CHAPTER 18

Well, the tribe of Dan decides to move.  No, this doesn’t have anything to do with Chapter 17, but it well.  Give it time. 

The Danites were promised some land, of course, by Moses, but the conquest of Canaan never was fully completed, so the Danites are on the move.  They attack some place to take it as theirs.  The Danites also come to Micah and all them and tell the Levite to come with them.  Why serve a family if you can serve a tribe?  Did they really lack all Levites in the tribe of Dan?  That seems odd. 

The unnamed Levite goes and takes the silver idol of Micah with him.  Wait – what?  Why?  That ain’t right.  Micah agrees, and takes off after it.  But it’s the entire tribe of Dan.  He’s forced to go home empty handed.  And the idol belongs to Dan and their Levites.  We’re told the idol is placed in Shiloh.

OK, that last detail is actually a little interesting.  Shiloh is where the ark was supposed to be until the construction of Solomon’s Temple.  It’s where Samuel will be.  It’s a big priestly town.  And in fact, Richard Elliot Friedman argues that much of the Old Testament was likely written by priests associated with Shiloh.  So that would explain why the author cares about this little story --- they had the idol there and he new its origins story.

It’s still a weird story, though.  As near as I can tell, it’s to show the downside of life in the times before kings, when people did as they wanted.  But the really fucked up shit comes in the next chapter.

CHAPTER 19

OK this one doesn’t start off so bad, not so bad at all.  This guy – no name is given, so it’s extra-likely this is just a popular parable rather than a real story – has his concubine run off on him.  So he tracks her down to her dad’s house to take her back. 

The dad – also unnamed, of course – is thrilled to see the man his daughter left.  So he’s either a really warmhearted guy or a terrible dad, depending on the family dynamics.  (Or both).  Anyhow, the girl and guy get back together, but before they can leave, the father-in-law insists on plying them with food.  So they have to stay.  And again.  And again. 

Boy, this dad is stoked to see everyone.  He doesn’t want them to leave.  He’s like a stereotypical mother-in-law or something, feeding everyone until they can’t move.  (Man, it almost sounds like the plot of a Hollywood horror movie – he feeds them until they can’t move – and then he kills them!  But this is an ancient Hebrew horror story – he feeds them, and later someone else does something horrible to them.  Spoiler!)

Anyhow, after nearly a week of this, the son-in-law really must be going with everyone else.  Bye, dad-in-law!  He strikes me as a lonely father-in-law, the way he never wanted anyone to leave.  Regardless, everyone sets out and they approach a non-Hebrew city with night falling.  Should we stay here?  Nah, we should stay with our own people.  Let’s go to the nearby Benjamin town of Gibeah.

Gibeah?  DUN-DUNN-DUNNNN!!  Bad things will happen here, man.  Bad things.  The story of Sodom will get ripped off.  Really.

But first no one will let the guy and his crew in their homes.  So he’s forced to spend the first part of the night in the public square.  OK, here is where we see why we had all that opening stuff with the father-in-law.  The father-in-law was the archetypal good host.  That is paralleled with the people of this town, who are the ultimate bad hosts.  They suck, and not just a little bit.

Luckily, a guy from outside town comes in, sees the family, and invites them to his place for the night.  See?  He’s not from the town and is therefore a nice person. 

Yeah, but the townsmen find out, and here is where theauthor rips off the story of Lot in Sodom.  The men of the town surround the guy’s home and demand the male travelers be brought out for sodomy.  (Why didn’t they attack them in the public square when they had the chance?  Because that wouldn’t give us a chance to repeat the story of Sodom).

Keeping the parallel going, the owner of the house makes a counteroffer – the same counteroffer Lot made.  Don’t rape the men.  Take our women!  Like Lot, the guy even points out that his own daughter is a virgin.  Rape away, gang!  He also offers the traveler’s concubine while he’s at it. Gee, thanks.  Did he confer with the guy? (Probably, as we’ll soon see the guy has no problem with this).  He certainly didn’t confer with the concubine, or his own daughter.

Homeowner (it’s annoying that no one has a name in this story), actually says the following to the mob, “This man has come into my house; do not commit this terrible crime.  Instead, let me bring out my virgin daughter and this man’s concubine.  Humiliate them, or so whatever you want; but against him do not commit such a terrible crime.” 

Whoah, whoah – whoah!  This is in the running for the worst moment in the entire Bible.  There is so much wrong there that it would take years to unpack it all.  He isn’t just offering his daughter up to a pack of rapists, he basically encourages them to degrade her as much as possible.  He actually says, “Humiliate them”!  Someone won’t be winning many father of the year contests.  Also, apparently raping a man is a terrible crime, but raping his daughter isn’t that big a deal.  Oh my.

Well, the daughter is safe.  Because the traveler – the guy who began the chapter, you may recall – “seized his concubine and thrust her outside to them.”  CLASSY!  If nothing else, we can see why she left him. And now her father’s hospitality at the top of the chapter doesn’t seem so cheery at all, now does it?  Cripes.

Oh, and it gets better.  The next lines are, “They raped her and abused her all night until morning, and let her go as the sun was coming up.”  So she got gang raped all night long – a gang raping that occurred when her husband knowingly threw her (against her will!) into a pack of rapists knowing this would happen.  And he did it to save himself.  That’s all he was thinking about.  You know how the guy is supposed to be the protector?  Well, this guy doesn’t know that.  He really doesn’t know that.

But we’re still not done.  We learn the traveler/husband wakes up in the morning – so he laid to rest while his concubine/wife was getting gang raped just outside! – and sees his wife by the entrance.  What does he say? Does he apologize?  Does he ask how she’s doing?  Does he treat her for her trauma? Nah. His exact words are, “Come, let us go.”  Wow, what a sweetheart.  My God, this jerk is actually making me miss Samson!

She doesn’t respond.  She’s dead.  Apparently a night of violent gang raping after your husband cruelly and indifferently throws you to the mob is bad for your health. 

Mr. Sensitive responds as only he can, though.  He cuts up her body into 12 pieces, sending one to each tribe of Israel.  The hell?  He cut up her body into pieces?  What the flying fuck is wrong with this piece of garbage?  He’s trying to raise the ire of Israel against the townsmen of Gileah.  OK, they are horrible, but he’s letting himself entirely off the hook here. 

There is an awful lot of horrible activity in just 30 verses here.

CHAPTER 20

This is a much longer chapter – 48 verses – but it’s mostly about a fight.  In short, The Most Amazing Husband of All-Time has succeeded in angering all of Israel against Benjamin.  The other 11 tribes agree – no one will return home until this outrage has been avenged.  (Yeah, this reads far more like a parable or story than an actual history).

Well, they demand Benjamin offers up the men of Gileah or else, and Benjamin refuses.  Why? 

I have one thought. In 1968, there was a murder in the Indiana town of Martinsville.  A black woman was killed in town.  She had never been in town before and was there selling encyclopedias.  She told some people there was a car following her and asked for help, but didn’t get it, and then she was killed.  Evidence indicated she was killed for being black after dark in a sundown town.  Up to that point in time, Martinsville was a racist town, but not much worse than many other towns in the state or region or country.  It was just a generic racist town.

But then this outrage happened.  And it happened in a way that really cut off any defenses – female, denied help, killed in a town where she had never been before.  The federal and/or state law agencies got involved and that was it – the town tightened up.  The circled the wagons completely.  This is going on too long, but the town swiftly went from being a racist town to being the racist town.  So much so that the state highway between Bloomington (where Indiana University is) and the state capital actually had to go around Martinsville even though it was directly on the way because people in the town treated blacks so badly.  The town was banned from hosting high school sports for a while due to its insane racism of opposing black athletes).

Anyhow, in Martinsville, you had a real and indefensible outrage occurred, but outside pressure caused the town the rally behind the reprehensible.  The same thing is going on here with Benjamin.

This means war.  We’re told that Israel gets 400,000 men, while Benjamin sends out 26,000 swordsmen.  The town of Gibeah sends out – well, I’ll quote the verse directly, sense it’s one of my favorite bizarre verses of all – Gibeah, “mustered out 700 picked men who were left-handed, every one of them able to sling a stone at a hair without missing.”  I just love that the Bible put in the detail about how they’re all left handed.  That matters, apparently.  Not the name of the Levite in Chapters 17-18 or the name of the traveler and his concubine in Chapter 19 – but the handedness of the Gibeah men.

Also, this line was once quoted in the username of a poster at Baseball Think Factory.  It’s funny – it’s God’s bullpen!  Judges 20:16 – the official Bible verse of Tony LaRussa!

Anyhow, the war.  Israel has an insane numbers advantage, but gets utterly slaughtered two days in a row, losing 22,000 and 18,000 men.  Jeepers!  But then comes day three, where the Israeli forces learn their lesson, plant an ambush and slaughter the Benjamin.

The Bible says 25,100 Benjamin soldiers fall in that battle.  Then, in follow up action another 25,000 Benjamin men fall.  Well. .. out of 26,700?  Um… Ohh-kay.  The numbers don’t work, not at all. 

Eh, regardless, there are only 600 men left from the tribe of Benjamin.  And that’s all that’s left of the tribe, too.  Everyone else is dead.  Cities destroyed, even livestock.  You just have 600 men left who are out in the forests.  Boy, it sure looks dumb of them to defend the Martinsville of ancient Canaan. 

CHAPTER 21

The other 11 tribes take a vow. Now that they’ve gone all Joshua and committed genocide, leaving just 600 men left in Benjamin, they take a solemn vow: none of us shall let our daughters marry any surviving Benjamin men.  This is clearly an attempt to end the tribe altogether.

So you get a weird case of emotional whiplash when immediately after taking the vow, Israel bemoans that now no one will be able to marry Benjamin and thus the tribe will die off. Guys? That’s the point of your vow.  That’s the only point of your vow.  This really hadn’t occurred to you? 

Also, I should note that towards the end of this story, there are a bunch of weird repeating stories, where the same thing is said twice, shortly after each other.  For example, the battle last chapter, and now they’re bemoaning here.  It’s like the author was working with previous sources, and combined them, and decided not to delete one or the other, and so left some double stories in.  The same thing happens throughout the Torah, but I didn’t expect to see that here. 

The tribes have a solution, though.  Has anyone not taken the vow? Yes – in fact, we’re lucky and a town didn’t show up: the people of Jabesh-gilead.  Their women can marry Benjamin!  So that’s settles it.  The other 11 tribes attack the town, slaughter all the residents save for 400 virgin women for Benjamin to marry.

Wait – WHAAAAA???? They did WHAT?  Holy shit!  They slaughtered a town, a place full of innocent bystanders because they didn’t want to go against their vow?  Mass murder was more moral somehow? 

Extra-added bizarreness with triple score irony points – this story began, you might recall, because a town of Benjamin inhospitably treated a traveler and his family, and that so outraged Israel they went to war with Benjamin.  So now, in a war with a beginning like this, you get this incredible coda where they outrage not a family, but an entire stinking town!  

But the horror isn’t over. 400 virgins isn’t enough for 600 men, so Israel’s other 11 tribes help the survivors of Benjamin kidnap a bunch more women from another place.  At least there isn’t another massacre. I love how know everyone is working with Benjamin now.  All the horrible deeds Benjamin did on their own have been forgotten as they join with the rest of the tribes in new horrible deeds!

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

These last chapters are moral train wrecks.  Really, from Samson onwards that’s the case.

However, I found Judges to be extremely engaging and just fascinating.  I was horrified, I was intrigued, I found it memorable – it was never boring.

In “The Good Book” Daniel Plotz makes a good point.  (Actually he refers to a book made by someone else, but no matter).  You can look at Judges one of two ways.  You can look at it as a sports contest – us vs. them and hurrah for all the things our guys do and boo all the things they do.

Or you can look at it from a more morally complex place.  Both sides – Hebrew and non-Hebrew – engage in all sorts of behaviors, massacres, assaults, trickery, etc.  And you can focus it not as a sporting contest of Good vs. Evil but as a series of incidents between flawed and fallible peoples.

This was a great read, in part because it’s often such a disturbing one. This is easily the most memorable book since Genesis.

Click here to read the next installment: The Book of Ruth.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Judges: Chapters 11 to 16

Picking up where we left off - more Judges:



CHAPTER 11

In a book full of interesting stories, this is one of the most interesting of all.  You have the least likely hero of the book so far, and perhaps of the entire Bible.  Also, you have one of the most horrible violations of the Laws of Moses, and it’s presented without commentary.  (That’s odd, because the moral slant of the Torah is prevalent throughout the historical books.

When we last left the Israelis, Got had promised to help them and that the one who begins the fight against the Ammonites will be there hero.  Enter Jephthah, our unlikely hero.  He’s the son of a whore.  No really, his dad slept with a whore and out came Jephthah.  His dad’s mom wanted nothing to do with the bastard, and had him pushed out.  So he went to the margins, where he essentially became a marauder.  The Bible says “worthless men” join him and went on raids with him.  Jephthah is a gangbanger from 3,000 years ago.

Now the elders actually approach him and say them want him to lead the war against the Ammonites.  That’s unexpected.  Why him?  Well, in a time when the Ammonites have a monopoly on legal violence, you need someone good at illegal violence to fight against them.  And I doubt those “worthless men” were so worthless.  He probably had a formidable military force.  You had bands of marauders threaten to come to power at times in ancient China during changes in dynasties.  It sounds like something on a much smaller scale here.

Jephthah is initially unimpressed.  Yeah – you are the same jerks that forced me out years ago.  Why should I help you?  He’s got a point.  But they have a nice counteroffer.  Help us and we’ll make you our leader.  And so a deal is struck.

He wins.  The military stuff is pretty boring, so I’ll skip over it.  But the memorable part comes near the end.  He’s on the verge of fighting the Ammonites, and apparently our gangster leader is overcome with some sort of emotion.  He makes a vow to God – if he wins here today, when he goes back home, “whoever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me when I return from the Ammonites in peace shall belong to the Lord.  I shall offer him up as a burnt offering.”  HOLY CRAP – HE’S PLEDGING HUMAN SACRIFICE!  That’s kind of a no-no, by the way.

Why the hell would he do it?  Well, I guess the notion is that the victory means a lot to me.  It’s like how people promise to give up something they like for Lent.  Only there, it’s supposed to be something sinful or bad.  Here?  It doesn’t matter if it’s bad or good, but the fact he’s willing to sacrifice something from his home let’s us know how serious he is about winning this battle.

And he does win it, and when he comes up – you can see this one coming, right? – his daughter rushes out of the house first.  His only daughter.  His only child.  But he made his vow to God, and you don’t go breaking vows to God. So this isn’t just human sacrifice, but sacrificing your own child.  This, by the way, is something Moses specifically prohibited back in the Torah.  I’m pretty sure it came up two or three times.  Yet the author doesn’t make any moral commentary at all, just that Jephthah made his vow and now has to keep it.

His daughter – whose name is never given – let’s her dad down early. Dad, if you made the vow, you got to keep the vow.  If that means I have to die, so be it.  She just has one request: that she may go to the mountains for a spell with her friends to weep for her virginity.  (Man – Worst. Road Trip.  Ever). He agrees and she comes back, still a virgin we’re specifically told. And he kills her, sacrifices his only daughter to God.  (Among other things, this story has clear parallels with the story of Agamemnon for those familiar with the tales of the Trojan War). 

Next comes a little coda that explains why this horrible tale is in here.  It says that it became a custom for Hebrew women to go out once a year to mourn for “the daughter of Jephthah the Gildeadite” (still no name for her!) for four days.  So this was a ritual of longstanding tradition already in place by the time the Bible was written down.  As such, the Bible writer felt honor bound to include it.

I think this story tells us a few things.  First, it came from a time before the Laws of Moses had really been codified.  Oh, and know the Bible has Moses living before Judges and I don’t doubt there was a great prophet/lawgiver from back then, but all the words and laws associated with him came from later times.  The P and D sources aren’t until after the northern kingdom of Israel fell to Assyria, and they have most of the laws people should follow.  So those laws came after traditions like that of Jephthah’s daughter had already permeated the popular consciousness. 

Also, the Torah repeatedly mentioned how the other people of the realm engaged in child sacrifice.  The Bible denounces it, but then again my thinking all along is that the Hebrew people grew up and out of that environment.  The notion of child sacrifice was in the air of the era, and so you had this story of child sacrifice come out of the formative period of the Hebrew people.  Heck, this story is probably one reason why the Bible is so adamant about no child sacrifices.

Also, this horrible end story might explain some of the unusual parts of the beginning of the chapter.  Look, the story of Jepthahah’s daughter is already too well none to leave out.  And part of that story is that he delivered the people from enemies.  He’s already a hero who made a rash promise to God, but did fight for the Hebrew.  So as nasty as this story is, you can’t insult him in the main details.  So you make him look bad at the front end.  He’s a big hero alright – the best whore’s son to ever come out of Israel!  He’s quite a guy for sure; why of all the bandits who hung out with worthless men, he’s probably the best!  Hurrah for the bandit son of a whore! 

CHAPTER 12

This is a short chapter that begins with an unexpected story.  Jephthah is now annoyed with the tribe of Ephraim.  I missed how this begins, but it’s very serious.  So serious that it leads to bloodshed.  About 42,000 Ephraimites are killed.  Jeepers.  Apparently, the people of Ephraim were annoyed Jephthah had fought the Ammonites without their help, so they pledged to destroy Jephthah’s house.  (Too late, he already killed his only child).  So it leads to a fight and they lose. 

I don’t know how to explain this one.  Another way of making him look bad on the side?  I dunno – the tribe of Ephraim looks worse to me.  Is it a way to explain greatly dwindling numbers for the tribe?  I dunno – we’ll see if another census ever happens. 

At any rate, Jephthah serves as jduge for six years and dies. Then comes Ibzan, who serves as judge for seven years and dies.  We’re told he has 30 sons and 13 daughters.  I’m not sure why we’re being told that, but OK.  Next Judge is Elon, who gets two verses for his 10 years judging.  Next up is Abdon, who judges for eight years.  He has 40 sons and 30 grandsons and 70 donkeys.  It’s just weird how the Bible decides to thrown in all this stuff about these judges after avoiding it earlier; doubly weird because they are such minor judges. 

Anyhow, by my reckoning, the book of judges has now bee going on for 350 years.  Let’s broaden what I had earlier:

1245-1237 BC – Under Cushan-rishathaim
1237-1197 BC – Free after Othniel
1197-1179 BC – Under Moab’s King Eglon
1179-1099 BC – Free after Ehud
1099-1079 BC – Under the Canaanite King Jabin
1079-1039 BC – Free after Deborah.
1039-1032 BC – Under Midians
1032-992 BC – Free under Gideon
992-989 BC – Under anti-judge Abimelech
989-966 BC – Judged by Tola
966-944 BC – Judged by Jair
944-926 BC – Under Ammonites
926-920 BC – Free under Jephthah, son of a whore
920-913 BC – Judged by Ibzzn
913-903 BC – Judged by Elon
903-895 BC – Judged by Abdon.

So the numbers must be wrong.  I know enough to know that.  But again, there are 350 years here, it takes 2,238 years from Creation until Jacob makes it to Egypt, 430 of slavery in Egypt, 40 years in the wilderness, plus however long Joshua ruled.  I know I was a little off by the time of Isaac, but just a few decades.  But this I should be off by a few centuries.  Oh well.  Once I can peg down a date at the other end (like, say, Kings Saul or David), I can work backwards to firm this part up.  For now I’ll just note how quickly time if flying here.  350 years!  That’s longer than from the birth of Abraham to the death of Jacob, and that makes up most of Genesis.  Here we’re still barely halfway through Judges.  We’re really blowing through things here.  Genesis covered the years shrouded in myth and mist.  Exodus et al was about the era of the great lawgiver.  Now were in the formative years, so there are several stories to cover, but spread out over the centuries. 

CHAPTER 13

Now for probably the most famous story in Judges – the story of Samson.  And let me just say: What. A fucking.  Asshole.  Seriously, he’s terrible.  An absolutely horrible human being.  The only redeeming feature is that he sounds more like a myth than an actual human being. He’s an ancient Hebrew Paul Bunyon – if Paul Bunyon was an utterly amoral, murderous narcissist sociopath. 

But we’ll get to that.  This chapter is just the prologue to the Samson story.  Here, he’s just born, that’s all.  His mom is barren, and an angel tells her she’ll give birth is she follows some rules and regulations – drink no wine, eat nothing unclean.  Oh, and why the boy is born, make him a nazarite, and don’t let a razor ever touch his head.  (Nazarites are a group mentioned back in the Torah, a sub-group of the Israelis who are dedicated to God in their own way).

She tells her husband and the angel visits the second time.  They don’t realize it’s an angel at first, but when they do, they all but shit their pants.  Yeah, under ancient Hebrew belief, an angel was a form of God.  The notion was that God couldn’t go to earth in his normal form, and so an angel form was a vessel for God.  That’s why the parents-to-be say they’ve seen God once they realize it’s an angel. 

Anyhow, the kid is born.  So far it sounds like a nice story.  But they we get to know the kid in future chapters and it all goes completely to hell.


CHAPTER 14


Enter the asshole.  When we first meet Samson he sees a Philistine woman and tell his dad about her.  His exact words are – and this is the first thing he’s ever said in the Bible, verse two of the first chapter featuring him as a character – “I saw in Timnam a woman, a Philistine.  Get her for me as a wife.”  Uh, brat? You’re soaking in it!  Seriously, who talks to their dad like that?  I saw a woman I like “Get her for me as a wife.”  It sounds like such a caveman statement that you’d expect it to be an internet meme if someone said something like that today.

His parents complain – can’t you get yourself a nice little Hebrew girl?  Samson replies “Ger her for me, for she is the one I want.”  BRAT.  This is all we’ve seen of him so far, and I already hate him.  He just bangs his spoon and demands what he wants.  He’s a brat with no sense of anything but his own wants. He’s an overgrown baby.  Maybe I’m making too much of this, but it’s an unflattering portrait, and it’ll get worse. 

Oh, and then the Bible gives us some ludicrously lame spin.  It claims that the Lord brought about this desire in Samson, so as to help free the Hebrew from the Philistines.  Oh come on, man.  Yeah, I know how the story ends, but that is some damn hard to believe spin.  I know the Lord moves in mysterious ways, but here Samson is just a self-centered brat.

At anyhow, Samson goes to woe her, and kills a lion on the way to her house.  Yeah, he does things like that sometimes, that Samson.  (Also – there were apparently lions in ancient Canaan.  They were more frequent in much of the world back in those days).  Bees form in the lion’s carcass and Samson likes the honey, but he hasn’t told anyone about it. 

But the lion bit brings about our first travesty.  Samson goes to a feast, where he proposes a riddle to 30 Philistines there – if you can’t get it for seven days, you owe much 30 linen tunics and 30 sets of garments.  If you get it right, I owe that to you.  The riddle is essentially where he got the honey from. 

Let’s stop here.  This is a terrible bet for the Philistines to take.  How should they know something like this?  I don’t know why they took the bet.  Wait – I know – it advances the plot in the Bible here.  That’s all.  Anyhow, they implore Samson’s wife to tell her the answer.  The tell her to do it or they’ll burn her family.  WHOAH!  The hell?  Why the hell would they do that?  This is insane.  Over 30 tunics?  If 30 tunics meant that much to them, they never should’ve made the bet.  It’s just one tunic per guy!  These guys are nuts.

Anyhow, rather than tell her otherworldly powerful husband that the 30 guys threatened her life and her family’s life, she goes along and begs Samson to tell her.  And begs.  And begs.  And finally he gives in and tells her.  This sets a pattern for Samson. Strong, but dumb.  So she passes the answer along to the 30 guys and they get the riddle right.

Allow me to make an understatement: Samson isn’t pleased with this turn of events.  No, he isn’t pleased at all.  He figures out how they got the answer and decided to pay off the bet in classic Samson style.  He went down to where the Philistines lived, and killed 30 guys, and took their clothing and gave it to the 30 he owed clothing to.  Yeah, he just totally kills 30 people who are just there.  I grew up hearing stories about gangbangers kill people for their Air Jordans, but this is a guy killing 30 people for their clothes to pay off a bet.  We aren’t supposed to care about them because they’re Philistines so fuck them, but this ain’t right.  It ain’t right at all.

Hey, Samson!  You don’t want to pay off the bet?  Then don’t offer up the bet!  Things really are that simple.  Bets aren’t sure things.  Gambling has an inherent level of risk.

Everyone comes off like an asshole in this story.

CHAPTER 15

And now more senseless mayhem. 

Something is going on with his wife.  Samson’s father-in-law tells Samson that they gave the wife away to Samson’s best man. The dad tells Samson, “I thought you hated her.”  I’m not sure where this is coming from.  Seems like there is part of the story being left out.  I guess they just want Samson as a son-in-law.  Would you?  This is a guy who murders 30 people in a snit to repay a bet.  However, they offer Samson their younger daughter instead.  This is just confusing as to what they are thinking.  Maybe elder daughter is the prize pony and the younger one is just whatever.  There’s a Jessica and Ashlee Simpson analogy, but I’m ashamed to admit I know enough about that to make the analogy. 

So Samson replies in traditional Samson manner – with violence.  He gathers up 300 jackals, ties torches to their tails, and sets them off on Philistine crops.  How would that work exactly?  OK, so his super strength lets him get the jackals, but how does he avoid getting all burnt up here.  Was he carrying 300 jackals around in a cage and just releasing them one at a time?  That would take a while. Didn’t anyone notice?  Ah, never mind.  Even by Bible standards, Samson is a mythic character. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention, before engaging in his act of massive arson, Samson says, “This time I am guiltless if I harm the Philistines.”  Please note that’s a tacit admission he wasn’t so guiltless before.  The Bible doesn’t say anyone dies in the fire, but 300 jackals with their tails on fire?  It’s hard to believe no one died.

But the arson just creates a new round of violence.  The Philistines find out who did it and kill Samson’s wife and her family.  Wait – what?  Why?  Did they blame them for angering Samson?  Was it just a convenient target?  This really doesn’t make much sense.  Well, it makes sense in one way.  It justifies Samson being upset at them.  So they fight and he kills a bunch.  The Bible just says “a great slaughter.”  Yeah, that’s our Samson.

Please note there is no great cause being fought for here.  It’s not a desire to help the Israelis nor a desire to help God.  There is nothing about piety or other people or anything.  This is just Samson wanting what he wants when he wants it.  The entire thing is just Samson killing a bunch of people because he feels like, and because the people he’s killing are the Bible’s bad guys, we’re supposed to like him.  He’s an ogre.  Oh sure the Bible says “the Lord rushed upon [Samson]” but that’s just spin.  There is nothing in his statements or actions to indicates he thinks about anything more than, “Man that sure is a hot chick that I want!”  Or “Let me ask an impossible riddle to get some new clothes for myself!” 

After the massacre, the Philistines want Samson dead.  They tell Judah to deliver him to them. (Note: Samson is in the tribe of Dan).  They agree and Samson agrees to be bound by the 3,000 Judah men, provided they don’t attack him.  They bind him and take him to the Philistines, where he rips off the bindings, grabs a nearby jawbone of an ass, and kills 1,000 men with it.  (Man, that’s a tough jawbone!) 

He is then very thirsty and demands the Lord give him something to drink.  Yeah, that’s Samson.  He treats the Lord the same way he treats his dead.  “Get me a wife” “Get me some water.”  Baby wants a rattle. 

But, for his deeds, the Israelites make him a judge.  Wow – Worst.  Judge material.  Ever.  The only thing he’s good at is killing people.

CHAPTER 16

Well, the story of Canaan’s most horrible human being finally comes to an end.  The main event is Delilah, but before we get there, a quickie little three-verse story.  An ambush was laid for Samson at the city gate, but he foils it by ripping up the city gate and carrying it all away.  Yup – this guys is pure myth.  Most characters in the Bible seem like they’re based on someone real, but Samson is just Paul Bunyon.

Then Samson meets Delilah.  The Bible doesn’t specifically say she’s a Philistine, but I assume so.  (He met her at the Wadi Sorek; so I guess that’s Philistine land).  Anyhow, the Philistine leaders tell her to find out the source of his strength.  She goes along with it. This doesn’t really say much for Samson’s judge of character, does it?  The woman he loves easily conspires with the people who want to kill him.  Yeah, that’s our Samson.  He knows how to kill people, and that’s pretty much it. 

She nags him as to the source of his strength.  If I’m bound with seven fresh bowstrings that haven’t dried, I’ll lose my strength.  So she does it, has the Philistines enter, and yells at him, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!”  He breaks the bowstrings without any problem.

OK, let’s stop here for a second.  Samson, you dumb unlikable lug.  Think about it for a second.  You’ve just been tied up in the very precise way that you told Delilah would rob you of your strength and the Philistines rushed in.  Dammit you dimwit, can’t you even add two plus two?  Dump her.  Move away from her.  I don’t care how in love with her you are – she just tried to have you killed!  That should be a deal breaker.  (And also?  I doubt it’s really love.  Sounds more like lust. Again, we have no reason to think he’s a good judge of character).

Second point: memo to Delilah and the Philistines.  He’s asleep.  There are Philistines in the house.  Who cares what the source of his strength is?  Kill him while he’s asleep!  Is that really difficult to figure out?  I mean, are his muscles stronger than metal blades?  You burnt down his wife’s family – can’t you just set fires up all around his house or something?  Guys, you don’t have to win an arm wrestling contest him to kill him. 

Everyone here is an idiot.

But Samson is the prize winning idiot because Delilah again nags him about his strength and he tells her a new story.  Did I say un-dried bowstrings?  Sorry, I meant ropes.  Yeah, so she ties up a sleeping Samson with ropes and rather than let him sleep through his murder cries out to him the Philistines are upon him, and he breaks the rope.

OK, let’s say for the sake of argument that he decides to give Samson the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe people just often get tied up with bowstrings back then.  Maybe that’s how they got their freak on.  But this is twice in a row now.  This is ridiculous. Samson – she’s trying to kill you!

He doesn’t care.  She nags him more, saying: “Up to now you have mocked me and told me lies.  Tell me how you may be bound.”  She has gall, I’ll say that.  Even after those last two disastrous attempts, she won’t give up.  And Samson refuses to wake up and smell the murderess.  Fasten my hair with safety pins, he says.  So it happens and fails.

OK, so after going 0-for-3, Delilah keeps nagging.  She’s persistent; I’ll give her that.  Samson finally gives in.  The Bible says “She pressed him continually and pestered him until he was deathly weary of it.”  So he tells her the truth.  My God that is dumb.  How can he not see where this will lead!  (Again folks, this is a judge.  They made this utter imbecile a judge!)  He’s weary of it?  OK – dump her!  Come on!

She cuts her hair off and now he’s helpless.  They capture him and gouge his eyes out.  (Note: this is apparently the basis of the Pixies song “Gouge Away.”  Huh.  I didn’t know that).

Now it’s time for the Philistines to be dumber than a box of rocks.  First, they let Samson’s hair grow back.  Yeah, it didn’t occur to them to keep giving him haircuts on a regular basis.  OK, so it wasn’t nearly as long as before – why risk it?  Speaking of why risk it, they don’t kill him right away.  Dumb.

Well, at least they have some idea what to do with him – mock him.  (Again, all the more reason to keep shaving his hair).  They take him to a big party of 3,000 people so they can mock him.  Samson then does something incredible and totally out of character – he outsmarts someone.  He asks that he be led near the two main columns of the building, so he can lean on them.  So  …why would they agree?  Wouldn’t they rather he suffer?  Oh, right – it helps the plot out. 

Samson prays to God to get his strength back.  That’s a Samson prayer: “Please God, let me kill 3,000 people.”  He gets his strength back and they all die, and Samson with them.

Where did these stories come from?  I guess it tells us the deep-seated desire to get rid of the Philistines.  It tells us how the Hebrew thought it would take superhuman strength to achieve it.  But Samson is an incredibly unlikable character. I found myself rooting for the Philistines more often than not.  I would’ve flat out rooted for them, but they also came out pretty poorly, with their threaten and then action burning down Samson’s in-laws. 

The Samson stories are interesting, but what a dumb, unlikable protagonist.  

Click here to read the commentary on Judges 17-21, the final chapters in the book.