Maccabees I: Chapters 6 to 11

Last time, Maccabees I began.  Now for the middle of the book.

CHAPTER 6

Things are going well for Judas and his kin so far, and they are about to get a bit better: King Antiochus (AKA, the Bad Guy) dies.  He just lost a battle fighting elsewhere and comes back to find out how the Jews have destroyed his forces at home.  He immediately takes ill.  On his deathbed, he repents, saying that he realizes that his bad mistreatment of the Jews has caused his current problems.  He repents, but it’s too late and he dies.  At least that’s the Bible’s account of his thoughts as he died. 

For the readers, this is bad news because from here on out the plot will be a bit harder to follow.  We’ll see a series of kings come and go, representing different nations, and factions within nations, and it’s a bit confusing and hard to follow – and then often not worth following, as the kings you’re unfamiliar with exist stage left.  But that tells us something important.  Judah and his brothers are no longer rebels in the wilderness.  They are now power brokers to be contended with, so in the topsy-turvy environment of the times, that can be confusing.

There is a new military force facing off against the Jews right after the old king died.  It’s the Gentiles of the land, who are unhappy with rising Jewish power. They fight, and in the fight, Judah’s younger brother Eleazar dies.  He dies valiantly.  He sees a big elephant and assumes the big opposing leader is upon it.  So he charges at it, killing those before him all around. When he gets to the elephant, he guts it from below.  The elephant dies – but collapses upon Eleazar.  It’s a kamikaze style death, where he brought it on himself.  But as far as I can tell, the king wasn’t on the elephant anyway.

So hard do the Jews fight, that they are given a peace treaty.  Well, it looks like all those fights and all those battles against a series of enemies have paid off.  They are given control of their own nation and the ability to practice their religion.  Folks, they’ve done it.

They’ve done it – for about five minutes.  A few verses later the new king breaks the treaty, which allows the plot to continue. 

CHAPTER 7

And now we get a new player on the scene – Rome.  Somehow, it just seems weird to have Rome in the Bible.  It’s like putting dinosaurs and cavemen together in a movie – shouldn’t they be around at different times?  Abraham, Moses, David – those guys all predate Romulus by several centuries.  But this is the second century BC in this Bible, and Rome is a rising power.  For now, it’s just some negotiation. 

What does happen is some guy named Alcimus fights with others called Bacchides and Nicanor against Judah.  Alcimus has sided with the bad guys to become high priest of the Jews, but he is apparently a degenerate priest.  We’re told that he brings evils upon the people.  Heck, the Bible even says that the evils he brought on were “even more than the Gentiles had” done.  That’s impressive, given that we’ve been told that the Gentiles were hanging babies at one point. 

But the new bad guy general, someone named Nicanor, goes off to fight Judah.  Apparently, the stakes are really high, as Nicanor vows that if he wins he will burn the Temple down.  Yeah, I figured we were past that threat at this point in the chapter, with all of Judah’s success, but I guess not.

Judah appeals to God to do what he did to the Assyrians in the time of Isaiah – kill 185,000 in one night.  Not that many die, but Nicanor’s army is crushed, with the headman the first to die in battle himself.  So it’s a big win.

I believe this is the last time in the Maccabees that the stakes are that high.  From now on, the threat to the Temple and the religion itself are in decline.  Now it’s more preserving what has been won, not keeping the entire religion from being stamped out.

CHAPTER 8

Now that Judas has reaffirmed that he is the big power in the region, the Romans send out feelers. They want to be friends.  Judas has heard of the Romans and we get a big long section about that – again, this is weird because he probably know more about the Romans that the author of the book does.  Short version: the Romans treat their allies well, and vigorously put down those who won’t ally with them.  So Judas allies with them.  Good move. 

It turns out that surprisingly little will come of this, as the confusing path of eastern Mediterranean politics will keep having a series of new twists and turns.

CHAPTER 9

This is strange and hard to explain.  So far, we’ve seen Judas have a seemingly unbroken series of successful campaign.  He’s outlasted one king, defeated several armies, and done so well for himself that Rome wants to be his ally. You’d think by now that he’d be the big man in Canaan.

But here, Judas turns to fight a new enemy, his army is frightened by its size and almost everyone goes AWOL.  Judas dies fighting with the 800 who remain. 

Huh?

He’s off fighting Bacchides and Alcimus again.  I thought their last army was destroyed, but they’ve gotten a new one, and somehow it’s huge.  Uh, …OK then.  That’s why Judas’s army melts away but that’s the really strange part.  Shouldn’t they show him more loyalty?  He’s taken them from the edge to a central seat in regional politics.  He’s won many battles over larger foes.  But here?  Everyone runs away before the battle begins.  At the very least, it makes you wonder just how big the earlier fights were.  Maybe the size of the wins were inflated.  That would explain, 1) why people flee so easily here, and 2) why there are so many foes left in the opposing army.

Judas recognizes that the fight is doomed, but would rather go down fighting.  And so he does.

But that just let’s us see the rise of his older brother Jonathan.  Johnny is actually the eldest of the brothers, and he is made leader.  First he has to put down all the bad guys who came crawling out of the woodwork when Judas dies.  He ambushes some guys at a wedding, slaughtering them.  Wow, that’s harsh.  I get why you do it, but you get a wedding slaughter.  It’s kind of awkward to root for one of those. 

Meanwhile, he’s still got to fight Bacchides, the big leader that helped beat Judah.  Jonathan gives a pretty nice speech to his soldiers: “Let us rise up now and fight for our lives, for today is not like yesterday and the day before.  The battle is before us, behind us are the waters of the Jordan, on either side of us, marsh and thickets; there is no way to escape.”  He just lays it out for the men – fight as hard as you can or we’ll all die.  And they win, killing 1,000 of Bacchides men.

Meanwhile, Alcimus, the evil head priest who got his post by siding with bad guys, decides to mess with the Lord’s sanctuary.  Bad move.  Alcimus falls ill and dies.  See?   I told you I was a bad move. 

The rest of the chapter is a little confusing, with the Bible making too much use of pronouns and not enough use of proper nouns.  As near as I can tell, Bacchides comes to terms with Jonathan and agrees not to fight anymore.  Unless it’s an underling of Bacchides, but I think it’s old B himself. 

CHAPTER 10

In a Bible book full of really long chapters, this one takes the cake.  Most are about 60 verses long.  The last chapter was unusually long at 73 verses – but this one is 89 verses!  I can only think of two chapters that long so far.  One was a really long psalm.  Another was a symbolic moment, when all 12 tribes gave some animals to sacrifice to the Lord --- we had a complete list, tribe-by-tribe of what they gave, so it was several verses for each tribe.  (God that verse sucked). 

But this is just a chapter describing plot and action.  There is no reason it couldn’t be two or three chapters, but instead it’s just one.

Jonathan, now that he’s beaten all the enemies (again) is sitting in a nice position for himself.  A bigger power is a king named Alexander, and he asks to be an ally and gives good terms.  But before Jonathan can reply, Demetrius – the bad guy king who he sparred with recently, also sends a message.  Demetrius offers really great terms.  But no one believes old D.  So Jonathan signs an alliance with Alexander.  And shortly after, Demetrius dies in battle. 

And this gets us caught up in an extra layer of politics.  Alexander marries the daughter of Ptolemy, ruler of Egypt.   It looks like Alexander and Ptolemy are first-rate powers, and Jonathan, while still respected, is a second rate power.  After all, there are only so many Jews out there. 

Alexander does help put down a rebellion against Jonathan.  Well, calling it a rebellion is maybe too strong.  People are speaking ill to Alexander about Jonathan, but he ignores them and puts Jonathan in imperial purple.  (See?  Alex is the top power, Jonathan a second tier guy).   Seeing John in purple is enough to thwart the critics. 

Jonathan and younger brother Simon also win some battles.  I have no idea who they are fighting.  I assume bad guys.

CHAPTER 11

Now Ptolemy forms an alliance with Demetrius II, who I assumed is the son of the recently demised bad guy, and thus bad news for the Jews.  But it doesn’t play out like that.

The guy to look out for here it Ptolemy, who tries to take Alexander’s kingdom by deceit.  The short version is he does force Alexander to flee to Arabia, where he is killed and his head sent to Ptolemy.  But then Ptolemy dies – just three days later.  So now Demetrius is in power.  I guess he’s last man standing at the top level.  Or something. 

Well, this Demetrius seeks good terms with the Jews.  I guess he realized how things didn’t work out for the last Demetrius.  Jonathan is amenable and they become allies.  Actually, Jonathan becomes more than an ally, he becomes a vital force backing the new big power.  At one point Demetrius is in Antioch, surrounded by those that hate him, and he calls on Jonathan to help.  Jonathan arrives with a few thousand Jewish soldiers and defeats the rebels.

Let’s pause to note how much things have changed.  Early on, the Jewish forces under the Maccabees were the rebels in the wilderness fighting desperately against kings they hate. Now they’re the ones propping up kings against rebels.  My, they sure have earned a better slot for themselves over the course of 11 long chapters.

But maybe Jonathan shouldn’t have helped, for we’re told that Demetrius is now turning against Jonathan.  Why?  Well, the Bible doesn’t say, but some guesses can be made.  He gave Jonathan really good terms and plenty of internal control.  Demetrius probably did that because he knew he needed to solidify his rule in other places and some concessions could turn a possible enemy into an ally.  But now he’s solidified his power and wants to solidify his control over the Jewish lands.  It’s all pure power politics, which is the real theme of this chapter. 

But Jonathan isn’t stupid.  He makes an alliance with Antiochus IV, whoever that is.  (I’m guessing the Asian king from Alexander’s old generals.  Demetrius is probably the king in Macedonia.  I’m just guessing on all of this, but the point is there are 3-4 major kings and the Jews live at a crossroads). 

Jonathan and brother Simon engage in some more battles and are victorious. 

  
Click here for the finale of Maccabee I.

Maccabees I: Main page

Chapters 1 to 5
Chapters 6 to 11
Chapters 12 to 16

Maccabees I: Chapters 1 to 5

Last time, the Book of Esther ended.  Now on to the next book.

CHAPTER 1

I remember this.  When I was 10 years old, I first tried to read the entire Bible one summer.  I did most of the reading on a summer trip, where I sat the back of the car for over 2,000 miles.  In the days before most handheld forms of electronic child pacification, even the back half of the Old Testament was a halfway decent way to kill time. 

Back then, I was reading the family’s old Catholic Bible.  And I do mean old – it was pre-Vatican II, written in 1950.  I don’t know if it typical of the times, but Maccabees I and II were the last books in it.  As the vacation was winding down, I started Maccabees I, and liked it.  Finally!  After far too many pages of psalms, proverbs, and prophecies I read over without retaining a whit, I had something with a plot!  About time.

So I read the first few chapters – but then the vacation ended, and I stopped reading the Bible.  Looking back, I find it incredible – I’d read all the boring parts of the Old Testament, only to give up when it got interesting again. 

When I graduated college I read the Bible and this time got all the way through it.  I do remember liking the Maccabees again. 

So now I have a new Catholic Bible, one that places the Maccabees here, in the part it calls “Biblical novellas.”  That’s a weird placement, because it looks pretty clearly to be history.  This is the story of Jews in the second century BC fighting for their identity.  It’s actually the most historical of the historical books, as a lot of this is easily verified with our other sources of the period.

Oh, and the Maccabees are two books not found in the Protestant or Jewish Bibles.  While I didn’t care much for Judith, in this case the Catholics have a good’un.  I find it especially interesting that the Jews wouldn’t include this in their holy book.  I guess it’s too secular for their holy book, as while it’s all done in the name of God, the big man himself is just an inspiration, not an actual actor.

Anyhow, I should get to the point. We’re in the time of the post-Alexander kings, 157 years after Alexander took over, we’re told.  And the Gentile kings are trying to make the Jews fall in line with the same rituals and practices as all other people.  In other words, they want the Jews to abandon their ways.  Some Jews are, which the Bible doesn’t think much of. 

A new leader comes to power: Antiochus, who overthrows the old king and makes himself king.  He’ll be our villain.  He beats up Egypt and then, about six years into his reign (143 years after the Greek conquest, we’re told), he turns against Jerusalem.  He enters it and even enters the Temple’s sanctuary.  Uh-oh, you know he’s the evil villain now.  It’s like he’s intentionally casting himself as stock Hollywood bad guy, with his overdone evilness. 

Two years later, the bad guys come back.  Antiochus doesn’t come himself – he sends in a military commander.  The army whumps on Jerusalem and destroys its walls.  The make the city a citadel for themselves.  Basically, they throw Jews out of the City of David. 

And to solidify their control, they demand that all people adopt Gentile customs.  (Note: you’re not hearing about Antiochus by name here, so I’m not fully sure who the order is coming from – him or his military men in charge).  We’re told that many Children of Israel adopt the evil ways, and you know that’s a no-no. Then again, the bad guys say that all who don’t fall into line will be put to death.  Why, the king (Antiochus, though again not mentioned by name) has a pagan abomination placed on the Temple’s altar, desecrating it.  They burn the scrolls of law. 

And it gets even worse.  They put women to death who have their sons circumcised – and they hang the babies, too!  Man, baby hanging!  That’s new.  This king, he is going all out to crush any/all sense of Jewish identity.  He thinks it’ll solidify his power, but he is badly, badly overreaching himself here.

By the way, the chapters in this book are exceedingly long.  Most are around 60 verses, about double what a normal Bible chapter is.  As a result, this book is 30 pages long, about the length of Samuel I, despite having just half as many chapters. 

CHAPTER 2

Well, Chapter 1 set the stage and got the plot going, so it’s time we meet our heroes.  There is old man Mattathias, and his sons John, Simon, Judas, Eleazer, and Jonathan.  For reasons I don’t get they all have aliases, for example, “Simon, who was called Thassi.”  I don’t get that, but so be it. 

These guys are horrified, utterly horrified at what’s going on.  But more than that, their horror leads to extreme anger and they act on that anger. 

Old man Mattathias is asked to sacrifice to the pagan altar, and he refuses.  He says he’ll never deny the Commandments, and then he takes it a step further.  As soon as he gives his big speech, he sees a fellow Jew head up to sacrifice to the wrong God.  Well  now, that won’t do – and Mattahtias, overcome with righteous anger, kills the man on the spot.  He also kills a messenger for the king who is also there.  There is a bit of irony, as he’s breaking one commandment to defend another, but after Chapter 1, we’ve got a clear sense who the bad guys are.  I’m on Team Mattathias here.

The old man and his sons take to the wilderness, where many other faithful are. The king (again, not mentioned by name) hears about all the wilderness dwellers.  He sends his army out, and they come across a gathering.  The gathering decides that they’d rather die in innocence and don’t fight back.  Thus they are slaughtered.  This section is clearly here to show the limitations of pacifism.  If you’re going to keep the Jewish people around, you need to take action.  Lucky for us, we already know the old man supports that.  And the old man makes this clear when he hears of the massacre. 

And now the family is on the warpath.  They strike down some sinners, and forcibly circumcise some uncircumcised boys.  OUCH! 

Then Mattathias dies.  Well, the good news is I won’t have to try spelling that name anymore.  He dies and tells his sons to carry on the fight.  By now it’s the ninth year of the king’s reign.

CHAPTER 3

With the old man dead, leadership goes to son Judas, which is odd because he’s the third oldest only.  But then again, he’s also the natural leader, as the next several chapters will make clear. Maccabee means “Hammer” and this man really is the hammer in the family of hammers.

He immediately gathers up what forces he has, and wins a few battles against what are apparently much larger foes.  Before one battle, he tries to encourage his army by telling them that they shall win because God is on their side.  Also, he says, “we are fighting for our lives and our laws.”  That’s interesting – fighting for our laws. 

Let’s pause here to reflect just how notably the Jewish community has changed since the days of the historical Bible books earlier.  Then, the Jews kept straying from the faith fairly regularly.  It wouldn’t take much at all for someone to start worshipping a golden calf or Baal.  Hell, even David had an idol in his house.  But now the Jews are risking everything to fight for their laws.

As impressive as it is to have prophets and miracles, to really make a religious effective you need not spectacular events or charismatic religious leaders as much as you need an effective system in place.  The Jews don’t need prophets or miracle anymore because they have their Torah; they have their laws.  And all those earlier written sources have been combined into one; most likely by Ezra.  Things have been really solidified.  And now you have the system in place and you combine it with a charismatic individual like Judas, and you have a people willing to fight back like they never did before.  (Yes, they had other guys fighting for them, from the Judges to David to Jehu, but it seems like earlier the fights were often against Jews internally straying from the faith on their own.  Here, they are punished with death unless they violate their laws, and they’re choosing to fight, even if it means possible death).

King Antiochus – mentioned by name, finally – tries to handle it, sending a general out with half the armies.  The general, Lysias, is his name, gets ready to fight and the two armies move into position against each other. 

CHAPTER 4

Well, they fight – and once again Judas wins.  Man, he’s on a role.  He’s one of the most impressive military leaders in the Bible so far.  He’s defeated at least three armies much larger than him, and without the benefit of any sun stopping in the sky, like it did for Joshua.

And he follows it up with some more wins.  In fact, he’s doing so well militarily that it’s time to purify and rededicate the Temple in Jerusalem. Damn, he’s totally upended the order here.  By now it’s Year 11 of the king’s reign, so about 2-3 years of effective military leading by Judas. 

CHAPTER 5

Judas is on the warpath again.  And being Judas, he’s posting even more victories.  Apparently, all surrounding peoples are enraged at all the success Judas is having.  It’s not really clear why, but I guess they don’t like the peculiar ways of the Jews and see the reopening of the Temple as the return of all those rituals they didn’t care for. 

But Judas is still Judas.  He fights. He wins.  It gets a little ugly at times, too.  On more than one occasion he conquers a town and slays every single male inside. Ugh.  That’s a little too Joshua for me.  OK, at least it’s only adult males, but still – that’s nasty.  He also sets fire to a city.  At one point he asks a city for free passage through their land, saying he won’t harm them if they do.  They refuse, and he destroys the town, killing all males.  I wonder if his offer was true or not.  I don’t blame them for not being sure.  From what we’ve seen of the guy, that’s a legitimate concern. 

As Chapter 5 ends, Judas is a friggin’ military dynamo.  He’s one of the most effective Israeli generals ever, up there with Joshua, Gideon, David, and Jehu.  

Click here for the next part.

Esther: Chapters 6 to 10

Last time, the Book of Esther began.  Now to finish it off:

CHAPTER 6

This chapter begins with one of those really convenient coincidences, the sort of one that makes many TV shows seem lame.  And it just builds upon itself, making it really lame.

The king is having trouble sleeping and requests that people read him the chronicle of events.  (Heh.  If the Persian chronicles are anything like the Biblical books of Chronicles, that’ll put him to sleep!)   The readers go over the passage where Mordecai thwarts the eunuchs Teresh and Bigthan – hey, our heroes have names!  Hi Teresh and Bigthan!  The king wants to know what honors fell to Mordecai for this, and is told  nothing at all. (Wait – didn’t Mordecai get a promotion or something?)

OK, let’s pause here again.  Boy, as if I needed another reason to rail against the king.  This guy is Captain Clownshoes.  He is utterly inept.  OK, Mordecai should’ve been rewarded.  I agree (sorry, Bightan & Teresh – I was rooting for you, but from the POV of the king, your thwarter deserves a reward).  But the person who should’ve been on top of that was …the freakin’ king!  He just now realizes that it would be good for Mordecai to be rewarded?  Jeepers.  This king is the mostly thinly underdeveloped character in the entire fucking Bible.  He’s a disaster.

Anyhow, apparently Haman is waiting outside the court, because it’s convenient to the plot that this be the case.  The king asks, “What should be done for the man whom the king wishes to reward?” Haman, arrogant ass that he is, assumes this means him.  Show him off in all manner of bling for all the city to see!  The king likes it and tells him to do this to Mordecai.  C’mon now, make haste – chop, chop! 

Haman is horrified, but he’s got to do it.

Please note the king’s late night scroll reading is the turning point of the plot.  That’s what is so annoying.  Not only is it just random, but it sets in motion all that happens next.  I guess you could argue that the turning point is Esther coming to see the king (and that’s why he was upset and couldn’t sleep) but he didn’t really seem upset when he left her.  He told her he’d give her anything and she said she wanted a banquet.  It’s a little more dramatic in the Catholic version where she faints, but that still comes before the request anyway (and all non-Catholics don’t get that anyway). 

CHAPTER 7

So it’s the banquet.  King Dipshit again says, “Whatever you ask, Queen Eshter, shall be granted you.  Whatever request you make, even for half the kingdom, shall be honored.”  What a moron.  Who says this?  What kind of king says this?  Remember: he went 30 days without seeing her before this time.

Here is where Esther makes her pitch: have me spared and all of my people spared.  We’ll all soon be killed!  The king: “Who and where is the man who has dared to do this thing?”  OH COME ON!  You’re an imbecile.  AN IMBECLIE!  You’ve just signed off on Hamar’s “Kill all Jews” plan and even if he doesn’t know that Esther’s Jewish (only the Catholic sections have the king show any awareness of that) is he really so fucking stupid as to not realize what’s going on here? 

Also, the king isn’t showing any personal remorse for issuing the order.  Sure Hamar was the driving force – BUT THE KING STILL OK’D IT!  So the king turns against Hamar.  Not because genocide is bad or that God is good, but because Esther got all teary and doe-eyed before him.  Wanna save your people from genocide? Find a hot chick to speak on your behalf.

So Haman gets punished, and unsurprisingly the world’s fasted assembled 50 foot stake it the means of his death.

CHAPTER 8

Time to start getting ready for the victory lap.  The plot is now past its climax.  Now to see how it all shakes out.  Naturally, the king sends out a new letter to preserve all the Jews from slaughter.  Hurrah!

That it takes a turn for the ugly.  As long as we’re reversing the last edict, let’s really reverse the last edict.  The new letter empowers all Jews to arm themselves and “to destroy, kill, and annihilate every armed group of any nation or province that might attack them, along with their wives and children.”  Yup – along with their wives and children.  Also – gotta love the use of “might.”  If you think they’re going to attack you, kill all of them! 

Genocide isn’t bad, it’s just should be done BY Jews.  It’s like Joshua all over again, only with an absurdly implausible plot and a really horrible character (the king) in the middle of it.

CHAPTER E

Welcome back to the Catholic addendum.  This is just the letter itself.  To be fair, the letter doesn’t have the Jews kill everyone.  But parts just reinforce the anger and frustration I feel towards the book as a whole. 

At one point the king describes Haman’s plan: “by intricate webs of deceit he demanded the destruction of Mordecai, our savior and constant benefactor, and of Esther, our blameless royal consort, together with their whole nation.”  Yeah, that’s a nice depiction of the entire plot and reading it boiled down to one sentence, my God does it sound stupid.  He wants to kill Mordecai so….he plots to kill all Jews?  Really?   Can you say “overreach” boys and girls?  Also, what’s this “intricate webs of deceit” shit?  There was nothing intricate about it?  He spoke to the king for five minutes & the king agreed to have all the Jews killed.  Man, people have more intricate plans to get out of parking tickets.

Also, then comes this: “But we find that the Jews, who were doomed to extinction by this archcriminal, are not evildoers, but rather are governed by very just laws.”  OK, I have no problem with saying Jews aren’t evildoers, but …. THE KILL ALL JEWS ORDER CAME FROM THE EMPEROR!  I know it was at the behest of the archcriminal, but Emperor Idiot still OK’d it.  And when did he come around to thinking that Jewish laws are so just?  Less than a week ago, he was fine with killing them all. 

CHAPTER 8 CONTINUED

We go back to the traditional Esther narrative. Not much happens.  The letters are sent; that’s about all.

CHAPTER 9

So now the massacre happens – but the Jews are the ones doing all the killing, so we’re supposed to be all cool with it. In the capital alone, Jews kill 500.  They kill all 10 sons of Haman.  Not for anything they did – but because of who their dad was. 

The king is so thrilled with it, that he makes Esther an offer: ask me anything you want, and you shall have it.  (Sigh – again, king, again?)  By the way, the king really is happy to hear what a nice job the Jews have done killing people all over the capital.  He says they killed 500 here, “Why must they have done in the other royal provinces!” Then he tells Esther that he’ll do whatever she says. By the way, as king, shouldn’t he be upset at widespread mayhem and killing across his land?  Shouldn’t he be worried about retaliation raids?  Shouldn’t he be worried that those oppose the order might want to overthrow him? Nah – hey honey, the people you like dead are all dead!  Let’s celebrate! 

So far, Esther hasn’t done anything bad in this entire vile story.  But when you’re the title character of a vile Bible book, you have to do something vile.   When she’s given a blank check, she responds by asking for the mayhem in the capital to last another day & for the 10 sons of Haman be impaled.  Yeah, they’re all dead, but it’s the message, I guess.

The king agrees, and 300 more die.  Um…hurrah?  Oh, and we get the full body count: 75,000 killed by Jews all over the empire in one day. Excuse me while I forget to join the Conga Line.

Then we’re told that this inspires a two-day feast for Jews called Purim.  So that’s why this is in the Bible.  My hunch is this began as a local story in a rural area (the Bible says the festival is popular in rural areas) that gradually expanded to an empire-wide incident).  Also, this explains what the chapter is doing in the Bible.  They have the feast, so they decide to include the story.  Mind you, they don’t literally need to include it.  The story of Hannakuh is left out of the Bible.  But if there was an actual festival associated with this, and some people actually celebrated the festival, that would explain why Esther made the cut.

Then we get a summation of the story.  It’s entire worthless – just extra, unneeded words telling us what we’ve already heard – and it’s not even at the end of the book!  Dumb.

In fact, the summation doesn’t quite end the chapter even, as Mordecai & Esther send out letters making sure that Purim is celebrated by Jews. 

CHAPTER 10

Mordecai becomes the big man behind the throne, second in power only to the king.  Given what an utter imbecile this king is, that means Mordecai is powerful indeed.  And we’re told that Mordecai’s greatness and power is recorded in the chronicles of the kings of Media and Persia.  Nope.  He wasn’t.  We only know of him through the Bible.  After all, this story is fiction.

This chapter is just three verses long.  Go figure.

CHAPTER F

We leave with some more Catholic addendum.  It’s Mordecai, looking back, repeatedly thanking God for everything.

There is a very weird last little bit where we’re told that a priest in time of Ptolemy saw the letter of Purim – one that Mordecai or Esther sent out – is legitimate.  The footnotes say this would’ve been between 116 and 48 BC.  So the Catholic version ends on a note of defensiveness, looking to prove that it’s a real story.  I can see why it’s so defensive, given what a hard to believe book it is.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Bleach.  This book is terrible; one of the low points.

First, despite the complete lack of miracles, it’s damn near impossible to believe any of it.  This is too far opposed to the historic records we have from other sources.  The emperor is an asinine, horribly written and totally underdeveloped character – and he is central to almost all the action. 

There is nothing really about religion at all here.  As famously noted, the word “God” only appears in the Catholic addendum sections.  

Oh, and it supports genocide.  So far, Esther rivals Joshua for the “honor” worst book of the Bible.  Just crap. 

Click here to begin the next book: Maccabees I.

Esther: Chapters 1 to 5

Last time, the Book of Judith ends.  Now for a similar book: Esther:

CHAPTER A

OK, here it is – the Bible book that doesn’t even mention God.  Yeah, that’s right – it doesn’t even mention God.  Odd, don’t you think?  Also odd – there are nine numbered chapters and seven lettered chapters.  I don’t get that at all.  For my own records, I count it as a 16 chapter Bible book, but that really doesn’t make much sense. 

The intro tells me that there are Greek additions to Esther that make many explicit references to God, so maybe those are the lettered portions.  I don’t rightfully know. 

But getting on track, we start off with a lettered chapter.  Mordecai is a Jew serving in the court of Ahasuerus. Ahasuerus is apparently a Persian Emperor, which is neat because there was never a Persian emperor by that name.  He’s supposed to be Xerxes.  But Mordecai has a dream of two dragons in battle, and the world is very gloomy, and – oh look, a God reference!  “Then they cried out to God” it says during the dream.  Yup, the Greek portions of Esther are the parts from the Bible. 

At any rate, Mordecai wakes up and immediately figures out that his dream means there is an assassination attempt on the king afoot.  How he got that out of the dream, I’ll never know.  I don’t see it at all myself.  But he does tell the king this, two eunuchs are found to be conspirators, and are killed.  Mordecai is allowed to serve at court for his actions.  I hope you remember this – because the story will be repeated in a little bit. 

(Oh, and I heard today that the Protestants leave out the Greek portions of Esther for the same reason why they leave out seven full books in the Catholic Bible.  When the Bible was complied, these sections only existed in Greek.  There was no ancient Hebrew or Aramiac (however you spell that word).  So they weren’t considered authentic enough, so out went seven entire books and parts of Esther.  Since then, they’ve apparently found one of the seven books in Hebrew, but the Protestant Bible has already been set.  Well, I assume the Jews have a similar logic for leaving these books out of their Bible.

CHAPTER 1

Now for a numbered chapter.  This is the first thing in the Jewish and Protestant version of Esther. 

King Ahasuerus (can I just call him Xerxes? I can spell that) has a banquet.  My God does he ever have a banquet. It last 180 days and ends with a seven-day feast.  (So what were they doing the first 173 days? Eh, never mind).  And on the last day, when he “was merry with wine” (yeah, ya think?  After 180 days of partying?) he asks for his queen to come out.  She’s a stone cold fox and he wants to show her off.  She says no.

So far, she sounds more reasonable than him.  I get that this is a fictional story – heck, the intro section to the book flatly says so here).  And I’ll take it on those terms.  But this guy is a empty-headed, fun-loving worthless playboy.  Who has a six month party?  Imagine what a drunk this guy is.  I don’t blame the wife for not wanting to be around him.

But her refusal enrages the king, and his flunkies – er, his advisors – goad him onward.  If you let her get away with this, it’ll be a sign that all women can treat their husbands like this.  Stand up for men!  So the king immediately issues a decree: she’s banned from court forever more.  If I’m her, I don’t see this as a bad thing. 

So we’ve established that the king is an empty-headed partier, and that he’s easily led.  Maybe Mordecai should’ve helped those conspirators. 

CHAPTER 2

But if the old queen is banished, that means Xerxes needs a new queen.  Time for the hunt.  He decrees that all the best virgins of the empire be sought out – “let cosmetics be given them.”  So the Bible is OK with makeup.  Interesting. 

So we’re reintroduced to Mordecai.  Remember – in the non-Greek version, we haven’t come across him yet, so it’s a full introduction.  We learn that he is in the royal precinct and has a niece he’s adopted and raised.  That niece, of course, is our hero, Esther.  Apparently, Esther is a Babylonian name derived from the goddess Ishtar.  Huh.  That’s unexpected.

Well, she’s hot and enters the beauty contest – we’re told that Mordecai “promptly furnished her with cosmetics.”  So it isn’t just Persians who go for makeup, but the good guys in the story, too.  Esther is also told to hide her nationality.  We’re not really told why, but we’re just supposed to assume that to be a Jew is to be maligned.  That doesn’t actually make much sense given how the Persian Empire let the Jews go back home and rebuild their temple and walls, but let’s roll with it.  This isn’t history, after all.

Well, Esther advances to the final round of Who Wants to Be a Persian Empress?  Seven girls are left, and they will all spend a night with the emperor.  In order to be properly readied, they will be beautified first.  In fact, we’re told the beautification process takes …. 12 months!  Six months for oil of myrrh and six months with perfumes and cosmetics.

Umm ……ew.  Seriously, would you want some you just spent a full year getting gussied up?  That’s so much make up as to lose all humanity.  A law of diminishing returns should kick in somewhere around here, and it should kick in probably in a day or two – and this is 365 days!  This Persian emperor has some pretty artificial tastes.  Six months of oil! Boy, if she steps in a pool, the girl will kill all the fish! 

Naturally, Esther wins.  Wouldn’t be much of a story if she didn’t?  We’re told she gets the crown in the seventh year of Xerxes reign.  For the record, the party where he dumped his old wife happened in the third year of his reign.  So he took his sweet damn time finding a new one.  Oh, and she’s still hiding her ethnic background.

Remember that conspiracy Mordecai thwarted in Chapter A?  Well that story gets repeated her for our Jewish and Protestant brethren who missed it last time.  So for Catholics, it’s a twice-told tale.  This time there is no confusing dream.  And, of course, no mention of God.

Oh, one new detail – the eunuchs are killed by being impaled on stakes!  Grizzly detail, Bible!

CHAPTER 3

The plot advances as we meet our villain: Haman.  He’s the chief minister for the emperor.  He’s such a chief minister that he wants all other of the king’s lackeys bow down and kneel before him.  All do – except Mordecai.  So Haman wants Mordecai dead.

Nay, that isn’t enough.  He wants to kill all Jews, because Mordecai is one.  Wait – what?  That’s insane.  That is one wild leap, but the Bible treats it matter of factly.  What’s the link between Mordecai’s refusal to bow down and being Jewish?  The Bible doesn’t say.  I guess it’s just the solid moral core of Judaism, and Haman is very immoral.  (But Mordecai would bow down to the emperor, right?  And by the way, what does the emperor think of this bowing?  The Bible doesn’t say). 

Well, the Bible does make an allusion to combing Jewishness and what Mordecai’s actions.  Haman takes his “Kill all Jews” plan to the emperor.  His logic is this: these people don’t follow the customs of others, they stick out like a sore thumb.  They are a pain in the ass. (This is the allusion I made earlier.  Mordecai is a pain in the ass who won’t follow the custom of bowing down).

The king is won over by Haman’s five-minute talk and signs off on the plan for genocide.  I know Haman is the bad guy here – and he really is – but the emperor is utterly vile.  He’s a partying piece of shit who is so easily led that he doesn’t even think to have any moral qualms about ….a proposed genocide!  Come. On.

Also, where the hell are all the other counselors here?  We get just Haman. That’s it.  As stories go, this one isn’t too believable. 

CHAPTER B

This is just a copy of the letter the king sends out for his genocide plan.  It doesn’t add much to the narrative.  It basically says that the king wants all to live in peace, but it’s been brought to my attention that there is “one people of ill will.”  So let’s kill every single last one with the sword.

Morally vile.  (But please note – this is just a wider ranging plan for what Joshua did back in his book.  And he’s supposed to be one of the heroes of the Bible).

CHAPTER 3 (CONTINUED)

That’s right.  Chapter 3 again.  That Chapter B part in Greek is planted right smack in the middle of Chapter 3.  Well, not really the middle.  Chapter 3 is just about over, actually.

The royal letter is set out.  That’s all.

CHAPTER 4

Now that the order it out, Mordecai freaks out.  In fact, so are all Jews.  Yeah, you can’t really blame them.

Quick side note: you can tell this story is fiction, because if there really was an order out there to kill all Jews in the Persian Empire, don’t you think some other Jewish writing would’ve come down to us about it?  I mean, we get the siege of Jerusalem three times – Kings II, Chronicles II, and Isaiah. 

Esther hears about it and also freaks out.  Mordecai goes to her and says it’s all you to you, Esther.  You’re the hope for our people.  Yeah, but there is a catch.  No one can visit the king in his chamber without being called.  To do so without being properly summoned will result in your death.  Really?  I don’t know what to make of this.  On the one hand, it sounds like a typically overblown plot point in a story simply full of overblown plot points.  But then again, those Persian emperors could really be some autocratic motherfuckers.  And really, though she’s the big winner of the Ms Persian Empress competition, Esther is just another wife.  Maybe he’ll make exception for key officials, but she’s just a wife.  In fact, we’re told he hasn’t called on Esther for 30 days. 

Well, but Mordecai really puts the screws to her.  Look, he says, the Jews will be saved somehow (he apparently means by the hand of God, but since this is a numbered chapter, God isn’t mentioned by name).  But if we are saved without your help, Esther, expect you and all your family to die. 

The pep talk works, and Esther resolves to see the king, even if he decides to kill her for it.

CHAPTER C

But to the lettered chapters, where the author here knows the story of the numbered chapters, but isn’t aware of how much we all know.  We’re back in the pre-pep talk timeline.  Ether and Mordecai both know about the order, but they haven’t resolved to do anything.  They are both separate in fact. 

This chapter is just two prayers to God – the first by Mordecai and the second by Esther. And boy oh boy – it’s like the author wants to rectify the odd omission of the word “God” by jamming it in as much as possible.  Check out this little bit: “And now, Lord God, King, God of Abraham.”  That’s 3-4 God mentions in just eight words (depends on if you count “Lord God” as one or two mentions.  By my count, we get 21 mentions of God (and that’s counting “Lord God” as just one mention). 

Oh, and we get the official rational for Mordecai’s not bowing down: he won’t do it to any person, just to God.  So ….he wouldn’t bow down to the emperor?  My, that might make things awkward, what with him being a member of the royal court and all.  Why would the emperor have no real problem with that, until he gets 5 minutes of talk from his chief minister?  Answer: because the emperor is a weak-willed assclown. 

Man, I really don’t like the emperor.  I don’t like the bad guy either, but he at least makes a cunning villain.  The king is completely bereft of all morals and skills.  The real sad part of the book might be when Mordecai thwarted the plan of the eunuchs to overthrow the worthless bastard.

CHAPTER D

God gets mentioned twice in this short lettered chapter. 

Esther gets up in all of her finery – we’re apparently post-pep talk now, and goes to see the king.  She’s all nervous on the inside but hot on the outside.  The king sees her and is pissed – what the hell is she doing here? 

She faints, and that’s all it takes.  He becomes all protective and goes up to her, now gentle.  He’s a sucker for a woman in distress.  Actually, he’s just a sucker, as this book has amply demonstrated every chance it can. 

Anyhow, he tells her don’t worry – she won’t die when all the other Jews will.  He’ll kill all the other Jews, but not her.  I’ll just point out that a similar deal was perfectly fine for Rahab back in Joshua.  She was fine with letting everyone in town die, just as long as she didn’t. 

She faints again, and he’s scared, and sends his attendants to revive her.  That ends the latest lettered chapter.

These lettered chapters are poorly placed.  We saw earlier that they were willing to put one in the middle of a numbered chapter (Chapter B in the middle of Chapter 3).  They should’ve done that with Chapter C – but it in Chapter 4, just after Mordecai and Esther frets, but before the pep talk.  Then Chapter D would work well immediately after Chapter 4, not here after Chapter 3.  We go back then forth and it’s awkward and difficult to read.  Clearly, the Jewish/Protestant version of this book works better.  This is just poor execution on the part of whoever it was that worked in the Greek bits.

CHAPTER 5

Back in the numbered letters, we vault back.  Man, including all of these numbered and lettered chapters together is incredibly confusing. Let’s put it this way.  Let’s say the plot of Esther goes from Point A to Z.  Well, we start out with Point H, then get A to M.  Then we go back to L and take it up to R.  Now we’re back on P.  You get all this back-and-forthing that is a pain in the ass and it doesn’t actually work.  Plus you get some double-telling.

Here, Esther goes to the king.  It’s the same scene as last time, but not nearly as dramatic.  There is no anger from the king, no fainting from the title character.  He sees her and is happy.  (So much for not being able to see him unless called for.  Clearly (and obviously) he can suspend that rule at a whim. 

Then the Persian king, being the doofus that he is, says that he’ll grant her any wish she has.  “Even if it is half of my kingdom, it shall be granted you.” Oh man – look, that is very sweet.  That’s a touching thing to say.  And if I felt it was coming from a man with a good heart, I’d be touched.

But this is the king who has a 180-day party and agrees to genocide without much consideration.  He doesn’t have a big heart.  He’s a fucking loser.  So he sees a pretty face and says he’ll give it half his kingdom.  Lucky for him, she’s not looking for that.  Seriously – how has this imbecile not been overthrown yet?  Come back you rebellious eunuchs – you’re the real heroes of the story to me!

Instead of half of the land, Esther just wants to have a banquet; one featuring herself, the king, and Haman (our bad guy).  The king consents.  It’ll be tomorrow.

That night, Haman leaves the court feeling ever so chipper about himself.  He’s the man in power, he’s going to kill a bunch of Jews – life couldn’t be brighter.  Then he sees that damn Mordecai refuse to bow to him still.  This enrages him. Doesn’t he know who I am? Doesn’t he know what I’m about to do?  Heck, doesn’t he know I’m going to be the sole guest at a banquet with the king and queen? And he fumes.

A lackey has an idea.  Don’t like Mordecai – kill him! (Why bother?  Won’t Mordecai soon die with all the Jews anyway?  Eh, never mind).  The plan is simple: get a stake, 50 cubits high, and in the morning ask the king to impale Mordecai upon it.  Great idea!

Two things.  First, it’s just a given that the king will sign off on it.  Yeah, that works.  The king really is a mindless twit.  Second – where do you rustle up a 50-cubit stake?  What does he just have one of those lying around or something?  That’s 75 feet, people!

Click here for the rest of Esther.