Samuel I: Chapters 1 to 6

Last time was the Book of Ruth.  This time the First Book of Samuel begins.

CHAPTER 1

Enter Samuel.  Well, not quite right away.  First we meet his parents.  His dad, like most guys in the Old Testament, has more than one wife.  One wife has given him kids and the other is barren.  Despite that, the man (Eklanah is his name) preferred the barren wife (Hannah) to the fruitful one (Peninnah).  Well, that’s an interesting reversal from the normal.  He even let Hannah eat a double potion in their annual trip to the holy site – which is in Shiloh at this time. He must really love her – or really not like his other wife much.

Well, Peninnah doesn’t much care for this, and mocks Hannah.  Saddened, Hannah starts praying while in the temple at Shiloh.  Her prayer is a simple one – if God gives her a son, she’ll give the boy to God in the temple, and never let a razor touch his hair.  Oh, he’ll be one of those guys like Samson – a Nazarite, I believe they’re called.

And now a real dick move occurs, courtesy aging priest and judge, Eli.  He sees Hannah praying, and notices her lips are moving but no words coming out.  Eli assumes she’s drunk and walks over to her to tell her to cut it out.  She’s making a spectacle of herself.  Hold on a second.  He’s a priest in the temple – is he really so unfamiliar with the site of someone praying like that?  Is it unheard of for someone’s lips to move without making a sound?  OK, let’s assume that many are drunk in the temple.  It is a regular gathering after all.  And let’s assume he even has reason to suspect she’s drunk based on her behavior.  Even assuming all that, there is no upside to acting like this.  He can suspect she’s drunk, but he can’t literally know it.  He should approach it differently.  He should walk up to her more inquisitive and skeptical, and find out if she’s drunk.  Just assuming it and bawling her out?  Dick move.  That’s a pure dick move. 

And of course she isn’t drunk.  Eli might’ve mistaken her prayer, but God didn’t, and she does become pregnant with Samuel.  She actually skips the temple the next year, saying she’ll return when Samuel has been weaned, and then he can spend the rest of his life there.  And that is what she does.

CHAPTER 2

The first part of this is Hannah’s prayer to God.  (It’s not the prayer Eli misinterpreted but a prayer of thanks after Samuel’s birth). Well, it’s a prayer attributed to Hannah anyway.  I don’t much buy it myself.  It sounds more like a psalm attributed to David.  It sounds more like the prayer of a warrior, not a newly happy mother.  Early on “Hannah” says in the prayer, “I have swallowed up my enemies.”  Who are her enemies?  The rival wife?  I dunno, I guess she’s an enemy, but how has she been swallowed up?  Later on the prayer/poem says “The Lord’s foes shall be shattered” and I guess that can work, but there are enough lines like that that make this seem more like a poem of warfare.  Please note there are no lines about how wonderful it is that a new boy has been born.  The closest it gets is “The barren wife bears seven sons while the mother of many languishes” but even that comes off more allegorical. 

It’s just very hard to believe that this is the prayer of a new mother because it doesn’t sound like one at all.  Well, she gives Samuel to the  Shiloh temple and comes to see him every year as he grows up.

But all is not well in Shiloh.  Eli’s sons are complete and utter jerks.  They, while serving as priests, will take the best part of the offering – the part intended for the Lord – and eat it themselves.  That’s a big no-no.  That goes all against the Torah and custom.  If people refuse to give them the Lord’s portion of the offering, one son would say, “No, give it to me now, or else I will take it by force.”  Man, thug priests!  (Also, I’d like to see them try.  Unless they are the toughest guys in all the land, they’ll get their clock cleaned by some of these farmers and herdsmen who work with their hands and brawn).

Eli rebukes his sons, but it’s a weak, futile, and ineffectual effort.  Eli doesn’t come off well at all here.  In fact, the last fourth of the chapter consists of a traveler – an unnamed one – upbraiding Eli.  The traveler is just described as “A man of God” and it’s not clear what that means.  Angel?  Nah, the Bible usually says so.  Prophet?  OK, but it’s a prophet  without a name who only shows up once.

His name should be Literary Device as that’s all he is.  He tells Eli that because he’s let his sons run roughshod over their duties and over the people of Israel, a big punishment is coming and they’ll deserve it.  Then Mr. Literary Device describes the next two chapters.   You and your sons will all die on the same day.  You family will not carry on.  You suck, Eli!

CHAPTER 3

Now here is where Samuel comes into his own.  He first hears the voice of God.  He’s staying at the temple with Eli, whose eyesight is apparently shot (and Samuel is there to help out the half-blind old man).  God calls and Samuel thinks it’s Eli.  Nope, not me, Eli says, and Samuel goes back to his room to sleep.  Then it happens again.  And again – and on that third try, Eli figures out it must be God talking to Samuel. 

So Eli instructs Samuel what to do.  If you hear it again, respond by saying your servant is listening.  Samuel does it, and God tells Samuel a message.  God is very unhappy with the House of Eli, and they are so in for it.  

How is that for a first prophecy?  God’s first words to Samuel are essentially: I’m going to get some serious payback on your boss – and he’s not just your boss, but your father figure, too.  (After all, as bad a job as Eli apparently did raising his own two sons, he’s got to be the one responsible for raising Samuel, too).

Samuel doesn’t know what to do with this info.  Do you tell this to Eli?  Do you really tell him that God himself wants to whack him?  Well, Eli simplifies everything with Samuel, making as clear as he can that he wants Samuel to tell him everything, and leave the varnish off.  Maybe Eli is jealous. Maybe he feels it’s his responsibility, being judge and high priest.  Maybe he has an inclining of what the message might be.  After all, he knows his sons are misbehaving and that he can’t stop them, and now God is targeting the nearest non-blood relative for a message. 

So Samuel tells Eli the bad news from God.  To his credit, Eli takes it well, saying: “It is the Lord.  What is pleasing in the Lord’s sight, the Lord will do.”  Clearly, there are worse ways to respond to this message.  Eli earns himself a bit of redemption here.  So far, he’s been a dick to Samuel’s mom and what little we know of his raising of his sons isn’t positive, but he handles the worst possible news well.  He isn’t a bad man, just a flawed one.

CHAPTER 4

Here is where the Literary Device’s prophecy comes true. 

The Philistines fight the Israelites and crush them, killing 4,000 in one battle.  Bereaved, the 12 tribes haul out their ultimate weapon – the ark of the Lord.  They take it from Shiloh and bring it to the battlefront.  Those Philistines  can beat us, but can they beat the Lord, too?  Yeah, actually they can.

Well, the Philistines are initially really freaked when they hear about the Ark (or so the Bible says).  They’ve heard the stories of the plagues and the parting of the waters and the conquests of Joshua and all that.  These Philistines are polytheists and they recognize stories of a powerful god when they hear one (though they won’t believe it’s the only god, but to be fair it’s not clear that the Hebrew are actual monotheists back then.  They mostly just think that their God is the most powerful one of all).  Anyhow, the Philistines pretty much shit their pants when they hear the ark is being called out.

But they decided it’s time to suck it up and fight.  If the ark is against us, well, that means we should just fight that much harder.  Go big or go home.  Win or die trying.  And they win and win big.  30,000  Israelites die in the battle and the ark itself is captured and taken back.  Oh, and among the dead are Levi’s two sons, Dip and Shit.  News travels back to Israel quickly and when Levi hears the news, the half-blind man falls backwards, breaking his neck and dying.  He was 98 years old. 

(The Bible says he’d been a judge for 40 years.  Given that the Book of Judges took at least 370 years, we’re now a minimum of 410 years since the death of Joshua). 

There is one unexpected coda, Levi’s daughter-in-law gives birth that day.  She names her son Ichabod, saying “Gone is the glory from Israel.”  I guess that’s what Ichabod means in ancient Hebrew.  Wow, what a horrible name to give a kid.  I know he’s born at a terrible time for the nation and for the family, but a name like that? Are you trying to drive the kid to suicide?

CHAPTER 5

This is a short chapter (just 12 verses) but an interesting one.  The Philistines have the Ark, so they put it in their temple, by their statue to their god, Dagon.  Bad move, guys, bad move.

They put it in the room one night, and the next morning the statue of Dagon is on the ground by the ark.  Hmmm – well, let’s guess it’s just one of those things.  Sure, but piles of stone just happen to fall over all the time, right?  The next night, the same thing happens.  Only this time, Dagon’s head and hands have been broken off.  Oh, that’s new.  God is really showing his displeasure.

Next comes a bit of the Bible I find fascinating.  We’re told that because of the destruction of Dagon, “neither the priests of Dagon nor any others who entered the temple of Dagon tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.”  OK, that’s  interesting.  I wonder if it’s true that the Philistines never entered the threshold of their temple.  My hunch is that’s true, because it’s otherwise a too easy to refute thing to put in the Bible. OK, but is this the reason why?  My hunch is no.  If it’s true, the Philistines probably won’t keep worshiping Dagon.  Hell, they might even bleed in with the Hebrew and follow Yawheh.  My hunch is that the Philistines had a tradition of never entering the threshold of the room where they keep their god’s statue, and the Israelis knew it.  So they explained it like this.  Oh, our God so totally kicked their god’s ass that to this day you can see his imprint on the butt of every priest of Dagon! 

Now the Philistines start getting ravaged with ….something. The Bible isn’t too clear.  It just says tumors.  A footnote theorizes that it’s Bubonic Plague, because swollen lymph nodes – “tumors” are one symptom.  It’s a theory.  Anyone, people are afflicted, so everyone wants the Ark out of Ashdod.

So the road show begins.  They move the ark to a town called Gath, and guess what?  Tumors follow.  The ark is apparently an early form of biological warfare.  Are those two tablets inside wrapped with smallpox-laden blankets or something?  It gets taken out of Gath and sent to the town of Ekron, but the people there aren’t dummies.  Get this thing away from us!  Are you guys crazy?  Are you trying to get us all killed?  They read the newspaper.  They know the score.  It’s a bit darkly comic here, really. 

CHAPTER 6

So the Philistine brain trust gathers and decide on a plan – let’s give the Israelis their ark back. (This also makes me think the ark was never taken.  If it had, it wouldn’t be just given back.  But then again, I’m not a believer). 

They decide to give some offerings with the ark, to make amends with God as best they can.  They make five golden tumors and five gold mice.  The tumors are for their illness, but what’s with the mice?  Well, according to the footnote, mice are associated with the plague.  People get sick, they can’t go out into the field, and mice overrun the fields.  That’s just a theory.  The Bible itself doesn’t explain the mice. 

Actually, there almost certainly were five golden tumors and five golden mice in the temple first in Shiloh and then later in Jerusalem.  After all, once they get them, why would they throw them away?  As the centuries past, the hows/whys of the golden mice/tumors faded away.   And they could’ve been embarrassing given the prohibition against molten images, like the Golden Calf.  So you say the Philistines made them, and thus can keep them around as historical items while dodging the issue of Hebrew not following the commandments.  There are hints throughout the Bible of practices and objects that go back a long time that seem to contradict the rules of their religion.  (For example, the custom of Israeli women to mourn the daughter of Jephthah, who he killed in a religious sacrifice, despite all the condemning of human sacrifice in the Torah).

Getting back on track here, two milk cows take the ark back with the mice and tumors.  Why milk cows?  I dunno, but it does lead to the random detail thrown in that the mooed as they went on the road to Hebrew lands.  I love some of these random, scenic details thrown in. 

Well, the Hebrew are thrilled to have their ark back.  They celebrate.  Well, most do.  One group – the descendants of Jeconiah (no, I have no idea who they are) – didn’t celebrate.   And so God kills 70 of them.  Yikes!   Boy, you really need to be careful around this ark.  Party – or die!  The people of the town then send messengers saying the Philistines have returned the ark, come get it. Yeah, I’ll be they want someone to come get it, what with all the death that came with it.  You’d imagine the return of the ark would be a purely happy occasion, but you better watch your step around God.  No wonder those guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark stuck in a box never to be seen again.  Dangerous stuff, man.  Dangerous stuff.

Click here for Chapters 7 to 11 on the First Book of Samuel.