Judges: Chapters 11 to 16

Picking up where we left off - more Judges:

CHAPTER 11

In a book full of interesting stories, this is one of the most interesting of all.  You have the least likely hero of the book so far, and perhaps of the entire Bible.  Also, you have one of the most horrible violations of the Laws of Moses, and it’s presented without commentary.  (That’s odd, because the moral slant of the Torah is prevalent throughout the historical books.

When we last left the Israelis, Got had promised to help them and that the one who begins the fight against the Ammonites will be there hero.  Enter Jephthah, our unlikely hero.  He’s the son of a whore.  No really, his dad slept with a whore and out came Jephthah.  His dad’s mom wanted nothing to do with the bastard, and had him pushed out.  So he went to the margins, where he essentially became a marauder.  The Bible says “worthless men” join him and went on raids with him.  Jephthah is a gangbanger from 3,000 years ago.

Now the elders actually approach him and say them want him to lead the war against the Ammonites.  That’s unexpected.  Why him?  Well, in a time when the Ammonites have a monopoly on legal violence, you need someone good at illegal violence to fight against them.  And I doubt those “worthless men” were so worthless.  He probably had a formidable military force.  You had bands of marauders threaten to come to power at times in ancient China during changes in dynasties.  It sounds like something on a much smaller scale here.

Jephthah is initially unimpressed.  Yeah – you are the same jerks that forced me out years ago.  Why should I help you?  He’s got a point.  But they have a nice counteroffer.  Help us and we’ll make you our leader.  And so a deal is struck.

He wins.  The military stuff is pretty boring, so I’ll skip over it.  But the memorable part comes near the end.  He’s on the verge of fighting the Ammonites, and apparently our gangster leader is overcome with some sort of emotion.  He makes a vow to God – if he wins here today, when he goes back home, “whoever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me when I return from the Ammonites in peace shall belong to the Lord.  I shall offer him up as a burnt offering.”  HOLY CRAP – HE’S PLEDGING HUMAN SACRIFICE!  That’s kind of a no-no, by the way.

Why the hell would he do it?  Well, I guess the notion is that the victory means a lot to me.  It’s like how people promise to give up something they like for Lent.  Only there, it’s supposed to be something sinful or bad.  Here?  It doesn’t matter if it’s bad or good, but the fact he’s willing to sacrifice something from his home let’s us know how serious he is about winning this battle.

And he does win it, and when he comes up – you can see this one coming, right? – his daughter rushes out of the house first.  His only daughter.  His only child.  But he made his vow to God, and you don’t go breaking vows to God. So this isn’t just human sacrifice, but sacrificing your own child.  This, by the way, is something Moses specifically prohibited back in the Torah.  I’m pretty sure it came up two or three times.  Yet the author doesn’t make any moral commentary at all, just that Jephthah made his vow and now has to keep it.

His daughter – whose name is never given – let’s her dad down early. Dad, if you made the vow, you got to keep the vow.  If that means I have to die, so be it.  She just has one request: that she may go to the mountains for a spell with her friends to weep for her virginity.  (Man – Worst. Road Trip.  Ever). He agrees and she comes back, still a virgin we’re specifically told. And he kills her, sacrifices his only daughter to God.  (Among other things, this story has clear parallels with the story of Agamemnon for those familiar with the tales of the Trojan War). 

Next comes a little coda that explains why this horrible tale is in here.  It says that it became a custom for Hebrew women to go out once a year to mourn for “the daughter of Jephthah the Gildeadite” (still no name for her!) for four days.  So this was a ritual of longstanding tradition already in place by the time the Bible was written down.  As such, the Bible writer felt honor bound to include it.

I think this story tells us a few things.  First, it came from a time before the Laws of Moses had really been codified.  Oh, and know the Bible has Moses living before Judges and I don’t doubt there was a great prophet/lawgiver from back then, but all the words and laws associated with him came from later times.  The P and D sources aren’t until after the northern kingdom of Israel fell to Assyria, and they have most of the laws people should follow.  So those laws came after traditions like that of Jephthah’s daughter had already permeated the popular consciousness. 

Also, the Torah repeatedly mentioned how the other people of the realm engaged in child sacrifice.  The Bible denounces it, but then again my thinking all along is that the Hebrew people grew up and out of that environment.  The notion of child sacrifice was in the air of the era, and so you had this story of child sacrifice come out of the formative period of the Hebrew people.  Heck, this story is probably one reason why the Bible is so adamant about no child sacrifices.

Also, this horrible end story might explain some of the unusual parts of the beginning of the chapter.  Look, the story of Jepthahah’s daughter is already too well none to leave out.  And part of that story is that he delivered the people from enemies.  He’s already a hero who made a rash promise to God, but did fight for the Hebrew.  So as nasty as this story is, you can’t insult him in the main details.  So you make him look bad at the front end.  He’s a big hero alright – the best whore’s son to ever come out of Israel!  He’s quite a guy for sure; why of all the bandits who hung out with worthless men, he’s probably the best!  Hurrah for the bandit son of a whore! 

CHAPTER 12

This is a short chapter that begins with an unexpected story.  Jephthah is now annoyed with the tribe of Ephraim.  I missed how this begins, but it’s very serious.  So serious that it leads to bloodshed.  About 42,000 Ephraimites are killed.  Jeepers.  Apparently, the people of Ephraim were annoyed Jephthah had fought the Ammonites without their help, so they pledged to destroy Jephthah’s house.  (Too late, he already killed his only child).  So it leads to a fight and they lose. 

I don’t know how to explain this one.  Another way of making him look bad on the side?  I dunno – the tribe of Ephraim looks worse to me.  Is it a way to explain greatly dwindling numbers for the tribe?  I dunno – we’ll see if another census ever happens. 

At any rate, Jephthah serves as jduge for six years and dies. Then comes Ibzan, who serves as judge for seven years and dies.  We’re told he has 30 sons and 13 daughters.  I’m not sure why we’re being told that, but OK.  Next Judge is Elon, who gets two verses for his 10 years judging.  Next up is Abdon, who judges for eight years.  He has 40 sons and 30 grandsons and 70 donkeys.  It’s just weird how the Bible decides to thrown in all this stuff about these judges after avoiding it earlier; doubly weird because they are such minor judges. 

Anyhow, by my reckoning, the book of judges has now bee going on for 350 years.  Let’s broaden what I had earlier:

1245-1237 BC – Under Cushan-rishathaim

1237-1197 BC – Free after Othniel

1197-1179 BC – Under Moab’s King Eglon

1179-1099 BC – Free after Ehud

1099-1079 BC – Under the Canaanite King Jabin

1079-1039 BC – Free after Deborah.

1039-1032 BC – Under Midians

1032-992 BC – Free under Gideon

992-989 BC – Under anti-judge Abimelech

989-966 BC – Judged by Tola

966-944 BC – Judged by Jair

944-926 BC – Under Ammonites

926-920 BC – Free under Jephthah, son of a whore

920-913 BC – Judged by Ibzzn

913-903 BC – Judged by Elon

903-895 BC – Judged by Abdon.

So the numbers must be wrong.  I know enough to know that.  But again, there are 350 years here, it takes 2,238 years from Creation until Jacob makes it to Egypt, 430 of slavery in Egypt, 40 years in the wilderness, plus however long Joshua ruled.  I know I was a little off by the time of Isaac, but just a few decades.  But this I should be off by a few centuries.  Oh well.  Once I can peg down a date at the other end (like, say, Kings Saul or David), I can work backwards to firm this part up.  For now I’ll just note how quickly time if flying here.  350 years!  That’s longer than from the birth of Abraham to the death of Jacob, and that makes up most of Genesis.  Here we’re still barely halfway through Judges.  We’re really blowing through things here.  Genesis covered the years shrouded in myth and mist.  Exodus et al was about the era of the great lawgiver.  Now were in the formative years, so there are several stories to cover, but spread out over the centuries. 

CHAPTER 13

Now for probably the most famous story in Judges – the story of Samson.  And let me just say: What. A fucking.  Asshole.  Seriously, he’s terrible.  An absolutely horrible human being.  The only redeeming feature is that he sounds more like a myth than an actual human being. He’s an ancient Hebrew Paul Bunyon – if Paul Bunyon was an utterly amoral, murderous narcissist sociopath. 

But we’ll get to that.  This chapter is just the prologue to the Samson story.  Here, he’s just born, that’s all.  His mom is barren, and an angel tells her she’ll give birth is she follows some rules and regulations – drink no wine, eat nothing unclean.  Oh, and why the boy is born, make him a nazarite, and don’t let a razor ever touch his head.  (Nazarites are a group mentioned back in the Torah, a sub-group of the Israelis who are dedicated to God in their own way).

She tells her husband and the angel visits the second time.  They don’t realize it’s an angel at first, but when they do, they all but shit their pants.  Yeah, under ancient Hebrew belief, an angel was a form of God.  The notion was that God couldn’t go to earth in his normal form, and so an angel form was a vessel for God.  That’s why the parents-to-be say they’ve seen God once they realize it’s an angel. 

Anyhow, the kid is born.  So far it sounds like a nice story.  But they we get to know the kid in future chapters and it all goes completely to hell.

CHAPTER 14

Enter the asshole.  When we first meet Samson he sees a Philistine woman and tell his dad about her.  His exact words are – and this is the first thing he’s ever said in the Bible, verse two of the first chapter featuring him as a character – “I saw in Timnam a woman, a Philistine.  Get her for me as a wife.”  Uh, brat? You’re soaking in it!  Seriously, who talks to their dad like that?  I saw a woman I like “Get her for me as a wife.”  It sounds like such a caveman statement that you’d expect it to be an internet meme if someone said something like that today.

His parents complain – can’t you get yourself a nice little Hebrew girl?  Samson replies “Ger her for me, for she is the one I want.”  BRAT.  This is all we’ve seen of him so far, and I already hate him.  He just bangs his spoon and demands what he wants.  He’s a brat with no sense of anything but his own wants. He’s an overgrown baby.  Maybe I’m making too much of this, but it’s an unflattering portrait, and it’ll get worse. 

Oh, and then the Bible gives us some ludicrously lame spin.  It claims that the Lord brought about this desire in Samson, so as to help free the Hebrew from the Philistines.  Oh come on, man.  Yeah, I know how the story ends, but that is some damn hard to believe spin.  I know the Lord moves in mysterious ways, but here Samson is just a self-centered brat.

At anyhow, Samson goes to woe her, and kills a lion on the way to her house.  Yeah, he does things like that sometimes, that Samson.  (Also – there were apparently lions in ancient Canaan.  They were more frequent in much of the world back in those days).  Bees form in the lion’s carcass and Samson likes the honey, but he hasn’t told anyone about it. 

But the lion bit brings about our first travesty.  Samson goes to a feast, where he proposes a riddle to 30 Philistines there – if you can’t get it for seven days, you owe much 30 linen tunics and 30 sets of garments.  If you get it right, I owe that to you.  The riddle is essentially where he got the honey from. 

Let’s stop here.  This is a terrible bet for the Philistines to take.  How should they know something like this?  I don’t know why they took the bet.  Wait – I know – it advances the plot in the Bible here.  That’s all.  Anyhow, they implore Samson’s wife to tell her the answer.  The tell her to do it or they’ll burn her family.  WHOAH!  The hell?  Why the hell would they do that?  This is insane.  Over 30 tunics?  If 30 tunics meant that much to them, they never should’ve made the bet.  It’s just one tunic per guy!  These guys are nuts.

Anyhow, rather than tell her otherworldly powerful husband that the 30 guys threatened her life and her family’s life, she goes along and begs Samson to tell her.  And begs.  And begs.  And finally he gives in and tells her.  This sets a pattern for Samson. Strong, but dumb.  So she passes the answer along to the 30 guys and they get the riddle right.

Allow me to make an understatement: Samson isn’t pleased with this turn of events.  No, he isn’t pleased at all.  He figures out how they got the answer and decided to pay off the bet in classic Samson style.  He went down to where the Philistines lived, and killed 30 guys, and took their clothing and gave it to the 30 he owed clothing to.  Yeah, he just totally kills 30 people who are just there.  I grew up hearing stories about gangbangers kill people for their Air Jordans, but this is a guy killing 30 people for their clothes to pay off a bet.  We aren’t supposed to care about them because they’re Philistines so fuck them, but this ain’t right.  It ain’t right at all.

Hey, Samson!  You don’t want to pay off the bet?  Then don’t offer up the bet!  Things really are that simple.  Bets aren’t sure things.  Gambling has an inherent level of risk.

Everyone comes off like an asshole in this story.

CHAPTER 15

And now more senseless mayhem. 

Something is going on with his wife.  Samson’s father-in-law tells Samson that they gave the wife away to Samson’s best man. The dad tells Samson, “I thought you hated her.”  I’m not sure where this is coming from.  Seems like there is part of the story being left out.  I guess they just want Samson as a son-in-law.  Would you?  This is a guy who murders 30 people in a snit to repay a bet.  However, they offer Samson their younger daughter instead.  This is just confusing as to what they are thinking.  Maybe elder daughter is the prize pony and the younger one is just whatever.  There’s a Jessica and Ashlee Simpson analogy, but I’m ashamed to admit I know enough about that to make the analogy. 

So Samson replies in traditional Samson manner – with violence.  He gathers up 300 jackals, ties torches to their tails, and sets them off on Philistine crops.  How would that work exactly?  OK, so his super strength lets him get the jackals, but how does he avoid getting all burnt up here.  Was he carrying 300 jackals around in a cage and just releasing them one at a time?  That would take a while. Didn’t anyone notice?  Ah, never mind.  Even by Bible standards, Samson is a mythic character. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention, before engaging in his act of massive arson, Samson says, “This time I am guiltless if I harm the Philistines.”  Please note that’s a tacit admission he wasn’t so guiltless before.  The Bible doesn’t say anyone dies in the fire, but 300 jackals with their tails on fire?  It’s hard to believe no one died.

But the arson just creates a new round of violence.  The Philistines find out who did it and kill Samson’s wife and her family.  Wait – what?  Why?  Did they blame them for angering Samson?  Was it just a convenient target?  This really doesn’t make much sense.  Well, it makes sense in one way.  It justifies Samson being upset at them.  So they fight and he kills a bunch.  The Bible just says “a great slaughter.”  Yeah, that’s our Samson.

Please note there is no great cause being fought for here.  It’s not a desire to help the Israelis nor a desire to help God.  There is nothing about piety or other people or anything.  This is just Samson wanting what he wants when he wants it.  The entire thing is just Samson killing a bunch of people because he feels like, and because the people he’s killing are the Bible’s bad guys, we’re supposed to like him.  He’s an ogre.  Oh sure the Bible says “the Lord rushed upon [Samson]” but that’s just spin.  There is nothing in his statements or actions to indicates he thinks about anything more than, “Man that sure is a hot chick that I want!”  Or “Let me ask an impossible riddle to get some new clothes for myself!” 

After the massacre, the Philistines want Samson dead.  They tell Judah to deliver him to them. (Note: Samson is in the tribe of Dan).  They agree and Samson agrees to be bound by the 3,000 Judah men, provided they don’t attack him.  They bind him and take him to the Philistines, where he rips off the bindings, grabs a nearby jawbone of an ass, and kills 1,000 men with it.  (Man, that’s a tough jawbone!) 

He is then very thirsty and demands the Lord give him something to drink.  Yeah, that’s Samson.  He treats the Lord the same way he treats his dead.  “Get me a wife” “Get me some water.”  Baby wants a rattle. 

But, for his deeds, the Israelites make him a judge.  Wow – Worst.  Judge material.  Ever.  The only thing he’s good at is killing people.

CHAPTER 16

Well, the story of Canaan’s most horrible human being finally comes to an end.  The main event is Delilah, but before we get there, a quickie little three-verse story.  An ambush was laid for Samson at the city gate, but he foils it by ripping up the city gate and carrying it all away.  Yup – this guys is pure myth.  Most characters in the Bible seem like they’re based on someone real, but Samson is just Paul Bunyon.

Then Samson meets Delilah.  The Bible doesn’t specifically say she’s a Philistine, but I assume so.  (He met her at the Wadi Sorek; so I guess that’s Philistine land).  Anyhow, the Philistine leaders tell her to find out the source of his strength.  She goes along with it. This doesn’t really say much for Samson’s judge of character, does it?  The woman he loves easily conspires with the people who want to kill him.  Yeah, that’s our Samson.  He knows how to kill people, and that’s pretty much it. 

She nags him as to the source of his strength.  If I’m bound with seven fresh bowstrings that haven’t dried, I’ll lose my strength.  So she does it, has the Philistines enter, and yells at him, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!”  He breaks the bowstrings without any problem.

OK, let’s stop here for a second.  Samson, you dumb unlikable lug.  Think about it for a second.  You’ve just been tied up in the very precise way that you told Delilah would rob you of your strength and the Philistines rushed in.  Dammit you dimwit, can’t you even add two plus two?  Dump her.  Move away from her.  I don’t care how in love with her you are – she just tried to have you killed!  That should be a deal breaker.  (And also?  I doubt it’s really love.  Sounds more like lust. Again, we have no reason to think he’s a good judge of character).

Second point: memo to Delilah and the Philistines.  He’s asleep.  There are Philistines in the house.  Who cares what the source of his strength is?  Kill him while he’s asleep!  Is that really difficult to figure out?  I mean, are his muscles stronger than metal blades?  You burnt down his wife’s family – can’t you just set fires up all around his house or something?  Guys, you don’t have to win an arm wrestling contest him to kill him. 

Everyone here is an idiot.

But Samson is the prize winning idiot because Delilah again nags him about his strength and he tells her a new story.  Did I say un-dried bowstrings?  Sorry, I meant ropes.  Yeah, so she ties up a sleeping Samson with ropes and rather than let him sleep through his murder cries out to him the Philistines are upon him, and he breaks the rope.

OK, let’s say for the sake of argument that he decides to give Samson the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe people just often get tied up with bowstrings back then.  Maybe that’s how they got their freak on.  But this is twice in a row now.  This is ridiculous. Samson – she’s trying to kill you!

He doesn’t care.  She nags him more, saying: “Up to now you have mocked me and told me lies.  Tell me how you may be bound.”  She has gall, I’ll say that.  Even after those last two disastrous attempts, she won’t give up.  And Samson refuses to wake up and smell the murderess.  Fasten my hair with safety pins, he says.  So it happens and fails.

OK, so after going 0-for-3, Delilah keeps nagging.  She’s persistent; I’ll give her that.  Samson finally gives in.  The Bible says “She pressed him continually and pestered him until he was deathly weary of it.”  So he tells her the truth.  My God that is dumb.  How can he not see where this will lead!  (Again folks, this is a judge.  They made this utter imbecile a judge!)  He’s weary of it?  OK – dump her!  Come on!

She cuts her hair off and now he’s helpless.  They capture him and gouge his eyes out.  (Note: this is apparently the basis of the Pixies song “Gouge Away.”  Huh.  I didn’t know that).

Now it’s time for the Philistines to be dumber than a box of rocks.  First, they let Samson’s hair grow back.  Yeah, it didn’t occur to them to keep giving him haircuts on a regular basis.  OK, so it wasn’t nearly as long as before – why risk it?  Speaking of why risk it, they don’t kill him right away.  Dumb.

Well, at least they have some idea what to do with him – mock him.  (Again, all the more reason to keep shaving his hair).  They take him to a big party of 3,000 people so they can mock him.  Samson then does something incredible and totally out of character – he outsmarts someone.  He asks that he be led near the two main columns of the building, so he can lean on them.  So  …why would they agree?  Wouldn’t they rather he suffer?  Oh, right – it helps the plot out. 

Samson prays to God to get his strength back.  That’s a Samson prayer: “Please God, let me kill 3,000 people.”  He gets his strength back and they all die, and Samson with them.

Where did these stories come from?  I guess it tells us the deep-seated desire to get rid of the Philistines.  It tells us how the Hebrew thought it would take superhuman strength to achieve it.  But Samson is an incredibly unlikable character. I found myself rooting for the Philistines more often than not.  I would’ve flat out rooted for them, but they also came out pretty poorly, with their threaten and then action burning down Samson’s in-laws. 

The Samson stories are interesting, but what a dumb, unlikable protagonist.  

Click here to read the commentary on Judges 17-21, the final chapters in the book.