CHAPTER 6
We begin with a quickie Elisha miracle – he finds an axe
lost at the bottom of the Jordan River.
Then we get into a confusing battle account. The Aram people attack the Israelites. But they’re having trouble because a snitch
keeps telling the Israelites where the next attack will come, allowing the
northern kingdom to scoot away. Then the
Arameans want to consult with Elisha to see what the Lord thinks. This is really bugging me – are the Aram guys
believers or what? I guess they’re
polytheists who think God is one of the many gods. Elisha has them struck blind, and then leads
them into Samaria, wherever the hell that is.
Apparently, it’s not where they were intending to go.
We’re told that the Arameans readers didn’t go into Israel
again after that, but in the very next section, the king of Israel is in a town
besieged by the Arameans. So did this
happen before Elisha led them out or after?
No, because this section begins by saying “After this” – and the
sentence immediately before noted there were no more Aram raids. I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m not
sure I care.
The point is the city under siege has a famine so bad that a
woman goes to the king with this problem. Me and the woman I live with are starving so
we made a pact. We’d kill, cook and eat
my son one day and then after that kill, eat and cook my son to live on. Well, we killed my son, your highness, and
ate him – but now she’s hiding her son!
The king has no great Solomonic solution to this tale, among
the most horrifying in the Bible.
Instead he decides he needs to call out to Elisha. He’s not calling out for help, but to have
Elisha killed.
What? I don’t
know. I guess they don’t get along very
well. Elisha notes that the king wants
his head. The chapter ends with a
messenger from the Lord noting that the king blames God for his troubles, so
why should he care about God anymore?
I didn’t get much out of these stories the two times I read
them in the past, and I can see why.
They are just convoluted.
CHAPTER 7
Well, Elisha is called in about the famine and he makes a
surprising prediction. By this time
tomorrow, food will be selling cheaply in the streets. Then he gives a second startling prediction. But king baby, you won’t be alive to see
it.
Naturally, both come true.
That said, I don’t find how they came true at all believable. It begins with four lepers at the city gate
deciding that they were better off going to the enemy camp. Maybe they’ll kill us or maybe they won’t –
but it beats starving to death here.
They get there and ….the enemies had all fled. We’re told that the Lord caused them to hear
the sounds of chariots and horses, as if a great army was approaching. Noise was all it took – they fled.
Man, of all the holy miracles in the Bible, this might be
the lamest. It only works because the
army got scared so easily. What an
anticlimax. Well, the lepers (after
debating whether or not to loot the camp and keep all the valuables for
themselves) decide to tell everyone the good news. They masses rush the gates when they find
out, and in mess the king gets trampled to death. Bummer, king.
The whole things reads like a leftover chunk of Judges
trapped into the wrong part of the Bible.
The D author (I’ll just say Jeremiah) clearly compiled this book from
different sources – the list of kings and the stories of the prophets Elijah
and Elisha. It isn’t that it’s a bad
story. It’s just that it’s a weird
fit. It’s like there are two books being
written within the same book.
CHAPTER 8
This is a grab bag of stories. There isn’t much of a narrative here. Even the stories have little/nothing to do
with each other.
In the first part, we’re brought back to the woman whose child
Elisha brought back to life. He tells her to leave because a seven-year famine
is coming. She leaves and avoids the
famine. When she returns, the king is nice to her of the story of what Elisha
did for her.
In the next part the king of Aram sends Hazael to Elisha to
learn if the king will recover from his illness. Elisha says he will recover, but die. Um … huh?
I guess he’ll die of something else.
Maybe he’ll also get run over by a mob.
Man, kings asking Elisha for info sure don’t last long. Maybe they shouldn’t ask Elisha. Oh, and Elisha starts weeping, telling Hazael
that the Lord has already shown the prophet that Hazael will become king and
inflict great evil upon the people.
Also, hold on a second, in Kings I Chapter 19 God tells
Elijah to anoint Hazael king of Aram.
Now it’s bad news that this will happen?
It would be more perplexing if the narrative hadn’t totally lost its
focus. It’s hard to remember that
throwaway reference from Kings I at this point.
Samuel I did a good job bouncing back and forth between Saul and David,
but now it’s just bouncing around randomly like a ping-pong ball. I’m constantly finding myself wondering what
is going on and who is doing what. This
hasn’t happened like this in any book until now.
Anyway, we move on to the third part of the chapter – one
totally disconnected from the others.
King Jehoshaphat of Judea (side note – “Jumpin’ Jehosophat!” is
something carton character Yosemite Sam has been known to say) dies and his son
Joram succeeds him. He’s evil and dies
after eight years. Then his son Ahaziah
becomes king for a year.
Hold on a second. In
the notes I’ve been taken, I earlier wrote that Jumpin’ J was succeeded by his
son Jehoram. Now it’s Joram? Eh, similar names, but – here’s the real fun
part. At the same time this new guy
becomes king of Judea, the king of Israel is named Joram. This isn’t me taking bad notes, either. The Bible here clearly states the Judea’s
Joram becomes king “in the fifth year of Joram, son of Ahab, king of Israel.” So the Bible has two kings named Joram at the
same time. (As near as I can tell, they
die the same here, 94 years after the death of Solomon).
Also, about this Ahaziah guy that rules for a year after
succeeding Judea’s Joram? Well, there
was a short-termed King Ahaziah of Israel just before their Joram. Confusing, isn’t it? I guess it could be the same names but – damn
what annoying coincidences. It’s just
hard to follow. (And was the Judean
King’s name Jehoram or Joram? What the
hell is going on? Eh, screw it. This too shall pass and none of these kings
are that important).
Oh, and Edom rebels and gains independence from Judea.
CHAPTER 9
Now we come to the biggest badass of the book: Jehu. We’ve heard about him ever since Chapter 19 of
Kings I when God said he should be anointed King of Israel, but here it
happens. Elisha tells ones of his
assistants to track down Jehu and anoint him. Why won’t Elisha do it himself? I don’t know.
My best hunch is that the Elisha stories were separate from the Jehu
stories. The Jehu stories claimed some
prophet anointed him, so you make the anointer a friend of the big prophet in
these parts, Elisha.
There is a comic scene after Jehu’s anointed. Someone asks him “Why did that madman come to
you?” Heh. Jehu doesn’t want to spill that he’s just
been anointed King of Israel by a prophet of God, so just says, “You know that
kind of man and his talk.” Again – heh. But then everyone finds out what is going on.
And Jehu sets off to kick some ass and chew some gum – and
he is all out of bubble gum. His first
stop is Jezreel, where Joram, King of Israel, is. They meet outside of town where Joram asks if
anything is OK, and Jehu replies, “How could everything be all right as long as
all the harlotry and sorcery of your mother Jezebel continues?” This will be Jehu’s approach throughout. None of this hold your friends close but hold
your enemies closer logic for him. Just
belligerently apply as many smackdowns as you can.
Instead, Jehu gets an arrow and kills Joram. My, that was quick.
Oh, and Ahaziah, King of Judah is in town for this as well –
and you damn well know that Jehu finds out.
The end is quick. Jehu pursues
the king, yelling: “Him, too!” He
doesn’t mean invite him over for tea and crumpets, too. He’s killed, and then the Bible has what I
can only assume is a typo or something.
It says, “In the 11th year of Joram, son of Ahab [the king of
Israel just killed earlier this chapter], Ahaziah became king over Judah.” Wait?
He just became king? He just got
killed! Does the Bible mean to say
another name than Ahaziah? Is it a
second Ahaziah? It’s just confusing and
annoying.
But there are two dead kings. One more killing to go – the Queen Mum of
Israel herself, Jezebel. Jehu goes up to
the town of Jezreel and demands that they prove they’re on his side – throw
Jezebel out of the window. Naturally
they do, and dogs devour her body.
That’s an impressive killing spree by Jehu. How did he pull it off though? I coulda sworn that kings had armies and
stuff. It’s like everyone disappears to
protect the kings as soon as Jehu shows up.
Even if Jehu has his army, there should be an actual battle or two. Instead, it’s just a walk over.
Yeah, there’s a lot I don’t quite get about Kings 2, and
this was one of the better chapters.
CHAPTER 10
Now for maybe the most gangster fucking chapter of the
entire Bible. Yes, even more so than the
last chapter. Essentially, it’s a mop up
operation for Jehu, by my goodness what a mop up operation it is!
We begin by learning that the late (evil) king Ahab has 70
sons. Guess what happens to them? Yeah, it doesn’t take long, either. Jehu writes to the places where the 70 sons
are and makes the local authorities of those places some offers they can’t
refuse: bring me their heads. Jehu doesn’t even have to say “or else.” Because he’s so incredibly Jehu like
that. He’s just whacked a pair of kings,
so no one will stand in his way. 70
heads are delivered to him in Jezreel.
He orders them placed in two piles by the city’s main gate.
Now for some relatives of Ahaziah of Judah. He hears about 42 of them, and orders them
taken alive. They are, but then slain in
a pit. At this point I’m wondering how
Jehu didn’t end up the reunifier of the two kingdoms. I don’t see what’s standing in his way, but he doesn’t do it. It’s one of the annoyances of the narrative. I guess the sources are greatly exaggerating
how effective Jehu’s reign of terror was, at least in the south.
But all the killing isn’t over yet. Jehu wants to get the servants of the false
god Baal. He has a great line: “Ahab served Baal to some extent, but Jehu
will serve him yet more.” He orders all
the leading Baal-ites into a meeting room together. The tactic is to tell them that if they don’t
come, they’ll be killed. Not seeing a
trap – even when it’s obvious – they come and are slaughtered. Dummies should’ve fled the country. He has their temple turned into a latrine,
“as it remains today” the Bible says. So
much for Baal in Israel.
Then Jehu rules Israel, and shockingly we’re told that he
doesn’t return to the ways of the Lord.
He lets the two golden calves put up by Jeroboam stand. I guess Jehu is just anti-Baal. We don’t hear anything from Elisha about
this. He’s never in the same room with
Jehu, apparently. God tells Jehu, I’ll
let your family rule for a few generations, but that’s it.
While Jehu was such a total gangster coming to power, he has
trouble in power. He loses some eastern
land – stuff like the land of Reuben – to Hazael, King of Aram. So the divided kingdoms keep getting whittled
down. First the south lost Edom and now
the north loses its eastern land.
CHAPTER 11
This chapter takes us back to Judea, where tells an
apparently different tale from what we heard in Chapters 9-10. OK, so Ahaziah is dead. (That’s the Judean king Jehu whacked). But instead of 42 sons killed by Jehu,
they’re almost all killed by Jehosheba.
She’s apparently the sister of the recently deceased king.
She tries to have them all killed, but a priest has one of
them saved: Joash. The priest waits for
six years, where Jehosheba rules Judea as queen. Then he acts, getting the guards to make
Joash the king.
As plots go, it isn’t much of one; especially after reading
Jehu’s orgy of death. He just has a
bunch of guard hail Joash in the courtyard.
Jehosheba hears it and yells, “TREASON!” but then she’s arrested and
killed. Why, it’s practically stately
after Gangster Jehu took over Then the
temple of Baal is destroyed. I guess
it’s a different temple of Baal than the one Jehu just destroyed, but who
knows? After all, they just had the
princes that Jehu just killed get re-killed here.
This chapter is more believable than Jehu killing the
princes. If that was the case, he
would’ve been able to take over both halves.
Click here for the next chunk of Kings II: Chapters 12 to 17.
Click here for the next chunk of Kings II: Chapters 12 to 17.
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