Samuel II: Chapters 20 to 24

Last time, David's son Absalom rebelled.  Now for the final chapters of Samuel II.

CHAPTER 20

It turns out that brief coda at the end of Chapter 19 is actually the beginning of the story in Chapter 20.  With Judah and Israel feuding, a Benjaminite named Sheba declares his people have no share of David – “To your tents, O Israel.”  And we see the forces that will later tear Israel into two kingdoms are already playing themselves out.  This is the danger of having a member of by far the biggest tribe – Judah – rule over all.  Now they’re afraid of Judah domination.  Absalom must’ve played off this fear in his aborted rebellion.

Before the rebellion can be cracked down, Joab has a bit of personal business to attend to.  As a peace offering, David had let Amasa, a top general under Absalom, maintain a strong post.  Well, David might be magnanimous, but Joab sees him as a threat.  So Joab kills him.  He went to kiss him – different standards of manly behavior back then – and with one hand stabbed Amasa in the gut.  There really is nothing David is going to do about it.  He isn’t happy, but he needs Joab.  Heck, he now really needs him, given that he just killed the other top general.

(Speaking of David’s decisions, he opts never to see his 10 concubines again – the ones Absalom raped.  He takes care of them financially, but won’t get sloppy seconds from his rebellious son).  Bummer for those girls.

As for the rebellion itself, they put it down pretty easily.  Joab finds the town where Amasa is, and the people of the town make an agreement with Joab. He won’t sack the town if they take Amasa.  So they do and throw Amasa’s head over the wall. Satisfied, Joab moves on.

CHAPTER 21

The last four chapters of Samuel II are under the header “Appendixes” so its stuff that didn’t fit in elsewhere.

Actually, I think Chapter 21 doesn’t fit in too badly right after Chapter 20.  Here is where David gets old.  He is fighting the Philistines on more time (so maybe it was a while ago; they aren’t making too much noise as this book goes on) and is nearly killed by a Philistine soldier.  Everyone in the army is freaked and all agree that David shouldn’t risk himself in battle anymore.  He’s getting too old for this shit. 

Before that, there is a very curious tale recounted in the Bible; one that is largely out of character for the Old Testament.  There is a three-year famine going on in Israel.  David learns from the Lord (it’s not clear if word is coming directly from God or a surrogate) what the problem is.  There is bloodguilt on the House of Saul for killing some Gideonites.

First off – when did this happen?  Oh, I’m sure it’s in Samuel I somewhere, but I don’t remember it.  Second – the hell?  Now the Bible is upset at Saul for not killing enough people?  In his own lifetime, Samuel broke with Saul – and announced that Saul had lost God’s support – for the exact OPPOSITE reason.  Samuel was irked that Saul hadn’t committed a full genocide on a town.  But now we’re told that killing too many was Saul’s problems.  (OK, it’s a different people, but still – weird).  Man, Saul can’t win.  Damned if he does; damned if he doesn’t.  Like I said, this is totally out of character with the Bible, which has been rather pro-genocide when it comes to the enemies of the Hebrew. 

So David needs to make amends to end the famine, and he tells the Gideonites – name your price.  I’ll give you whatever you want in hopes that’ll appease God and end the famine.  After some hemming and hawing, they name their price – give us not money, but seven descendents of the House of Saul, “that we may execute them before the Lord in Gideon, on the Lord’s mountain.” 

Wait – what?  Whoah!  Oh, and David accepts without protest.

Lotta craziness to unpack in a short amount of space here.  Let’s start with this – this is human sacrifice.  They are talking about sacrificing human beings to create rain.  This is something you’d expect out of a more earthy, animistic religion; not the Bible.  This is the stuff of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.”  And the Torah told everyone not to do stuff like this.  OK, so it’s the Gideonites doing it, not Israel – same difference.  They will be complacent in this vile action.  It reminds me of Judges 11 when Jepthahth sacrifices his own daughter; but at least that one can be excused of occurring in the mists of early Hebrew life before their theology had congealed.  Well, the Torah and its rules were all written post-David, too, but it’s stunning to see a human sacrifice occurring this late.

Second, I can’t help but notice a clear political motivation lurking in the background.  David is damn near wiping out the House of Saul.  They are a rival royal line.  They are the direct blood ancestors of the previous kings.  And we know at this point in the Bible that the non-Judea tribes were unhappy with having David as their king.  Now they’ll be killed.

Let’s think for a second.  How do we know God sent the famine due to the killing of the Gideonites?  David says so.  Is David reporting what God said or is he just using the famine as pretext and claiming divine justification. 

Again, the wording of God and the famine is unclear as to how exactly the word got out: “David sought the presence of the Lord, who said: There is bloodguilt on Saul and his family because he put the Gideonites to death.”  I guess its God talking – or “talking” – directly to David.  Which would be the first time since the Bathsheba affair, when it appeared David lost much of God’s favor.  This smacks entirely of David using religion for his own ends.

When it’s time to give up seven people, David refuses to part with Jonathan’s lame-footed son, Meribbaal.  So David is playing favorites. 

The murders occur and God ends the famine.  Yeah, it’s a freaking sacrifice to a rain god, but in the Bible. 

CHAPTER 22

Well, this is unexpected.  It’s Psalm 18, dumped right here in Samuel II.  Well, technically I should say Chapter 22 of Samuel II is rehashed as Psalm 18.  It’s David’s song of Thanksgiving.  It’s a long one and associated with David, so they decided to include it here.  But they didn’t know where to put it, so they stuck it in the appendix. 

This is one of the most vivid and memorable psalms.  It’s also, not at all coincidentally, one of the most violent ones of all.  It’s David celebrating the power of the Lord, his own faithfulness to the Lord, and how he was able to overcome and slay his enemies. 

It’s not quite word-for-word.  In fact, the line I most remember from Psalm 18 has been changed here.  In Psalms 18, the line is: “You made my foes expose their necks to me.”  You have to admit, that is some memorably imagery there. Here, though, the line reads: “My foes you put to flight before me.”  That’s really watered down, Samuel II.  (Or really punched up. Psalm 18).  Well, at least they keep the next verse the same: “They cried for help, but not one saved them.”

David comes off like one cocky son of a gun in this psalm.  He won – he did it.  He’s awesome – and he thanks the Lord because he knows God is on his side.  This is not the David of the Absalom story at all.  This must be pre-Bathsheba David, because he couldn’t have been this confident in God’s goodwill to him after that. 

It doesn’t sound like a poem celebrating his outliving Saul, either.  You wouldn’t want to be too boastful.  Besides, David didn’t take part in Saul’s death.  No, this must be after a victory over the Philistines or something like that.  This must be David in the era of “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” 

Weird that nearly exact same song appears twice in the Bible.

CHAPTER 23

This chapter is primarily a roll call of David’s main warriors.  Much of it is a boring list, but there are a few items of note.  First, the last one mentioned is Mr. Bathsheba, Uriah the Hittite. 

Second, the depictions of some warriors are interesting. One supposedly killed over 800 Philistines in one day with a spear.  Another kept slicing Philistines up with his sword in one battle until his hand got tired. 

Third, it leads off with a song/poem, that is supposedly David’s last words. I don’t buy it.  He sounds more like the earlier, boastful David, and less like the later wiser David who is aware of his mistakes and failings, and therefore understands the problems of others better.

But the most memorable part is a story that makes David look like a capricious dick.  He is with some of his best soldiers, when he says, “If only someone would give me a drink of water from the cistern by the gate of Bethlehem.”  Mind you, at the time that’s in Philistine hands.   

So three guys take off, break through Philistine lines, get to the well, draw water, come back, and present it to David.  It’s like the world’s lamest plot to an Expendables movie.  (This time – they’re out for water!)

When they give David the water, he says he can’t drink it, that it’s the blood of these men and he can’t drink their sacrifice, so he pours it on the ground.  Aw, man – really?  Look, I agree that they went a little nutty with the make-the-king-feel-happy thing.  But once they’ve done it, once they’ve risked their lives, why not show how much you care for what they’ve done by drinking the water.  He didn’t exactly order it, but he said he wanted it down, they did it – may as well enjoy the water, fool!

What is he thinking?  I guess he was just thinking out loud when he made his exclamation for water.  Once he sees they’ve actually done it, he’s horrified.  My God, even a casual, passing, needless statement can result in men nearly getting killed for me?  Well, we can’t have that.  To make sure no one goes this far again, I’ll dump the water.  OK, when you put it like that, I can half understand David’s point of view.  But the Bible doesn’t phrase it quite that cleanly. 

(Random story: this David story reminds me of the first history conference I presented a paper at – the Small Cities Conference at Ball State. The college president spoke to it briefly, saying how this conference was his first lesson in his power as new college president.  Shortly after getting the job, he spoke to some people at a reception, including the guy who created the conference.  The guy pitched the idea and the president just said, “Oh, that sounds nice” – and then a few weeks later he learned that now plans were underway to have the conference because he’d said it was a good idea.  Maybe David had an experience like that, only with life or death stakes).

CHAPTER 24

The Second Book of Samuel ends with a weird story that makes God look like a jerk. 

David decides to hold a census.  He tells Joab to get a-counting.  Joab isn’t’ so sure it’s a good idea.  Do we have the Lord’s OK on this?  Joab doesn’t say why he thinks you’d need the Lord’s OK on this, so this just seems weird.  Apparently, it’s self-evident to the Bible writer that you wouldn’t do a census without holy approval.  However, from our perspective a census sounds rather mundane and generic. 

They do the census and find 1,300,000 in all – 500,000 in Judea and the rest in the other tribes.  (No, there is no tribe-by-tribe breakdown for the rest). 

As soon as David gets the results he freaks out, saying he has sinned grievously before the Lord.  Huh?  Bible – a little help here?  Can you explain this one please?  Well, it doesn’t explain.  We’re just supposed to know that a census is unholy.  Uh-huh.

In fact, it’s so unholy, that the prophet Gad makes David an offer.  God has spoken to Gad and boy oh boy is God ever pissed. Again, the reason why a census is so horrible isn’t given.  And God says David has three choices of punishment: 1) three years of famine, 2) three months fleeing from your enemies, or 3) 3 days of plague. 

The hell?  Over a census?  And he’s not even punishing David!  Just the people he counted.  Well, David picks door #3, and it happens.  David is horrified and tells God that he’s the one who should be punished not the people of Israel.  Half-right.  The people shouldn’t be punished – but I can’t see any reason why David should be either.  Anyhow, the plague ends after three days and David makes sacrifices.

Why is the census such a big deal?  Random guess time – it deals with the divisions within the tribes.  We know that Judea is in David’s pocket but the others aren’t.  Maybe he wanted the census to gauge the strengths of the various tribes to see how serious a possible civil war would be.  Maybe it’s a sign he didn’t think that God’s people would stick together. (SPOILER: They won’t, in the very next Bible book).  Maybe that’s why God is upset at David.

But it’s all random guesswork.  As written, this Bible chunk makes no sense; no sense at all. 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

The Bible is at its best when it is human, and its rarely as human as when it tells the story of David.  He’s no saint; that’s for sure. How he treats Uriah the Hittite is reprehensible and unforgivable.

But if he can’t make up for that, at least he can learn compassion and wisdom.  His actions on the flight from Absalom show a kinder, gentler, wiser, and more reflective David.  His previous actions might be unforgivable, but the man has atoned as much as he can.  He comes out the other side a better person, though a sadder one.

This Bible book is David getting his comeuppance and then still proving to be a worthy man despite his sinful nature.   Unlike Saul, once David starts declining, he can right himself to some extent. This is fascinating.  It’s one of my favorite parts of the Bible so far.

Click here to begin Kings I.