CHAPTER 1
OK, it’s the Book of Daniel. This is a weird one in how to classify. In this Bible, it’s listed with the prophets. It’s the same way in the Protestant
Bible. But not the Jewish Bible – they
put it towards the end with Esther.
And this isn’t a book of prophecy. Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel were primarily a bunch of
prophecies to the Jewish people. But
not this. Instead, this book focuses on
stories. The stories focus on Daniel,
of course. Supposedly, he lived during
the Babylonian Captivity. But the best
evidence is that it came later.
This is something called apocalyptic literature, something
that gained popularity around 200 BC and stayed popular with Jews and
Christians through Medieval times. The
opening notes to the book tell me this.
It was likely written during the persecutions by Antiochus IV, which
were recounted in the Maccabbees books.
The opening notes say the importance of Daniel isn’t its historical
accuracy, but how it inspired people to hold onto their faith. Fair enough.
This first chapter tells us that Daniel was among the Hebrew
first carried off to Babylon when the Captivity when it began. That’s a sign this story is made up, because
later on – even later on in this chapter – Daniel will still be in Babylon when
the Captivity is nearing his end. Yeah,
he’s not living that long, people.
At any rate, when Daniel first comes to town, the king wants
some noble-born Hebrew to sit at his table and eat with him. For a devout Child of Israel like Daniel,
this is terrible news. How can he keep
kosher while at the dinner table? He
and three likeminded believers – Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah – have a plan. They convince the chamberlain overseeing
them to give them vegetables and water only.
They eat just that and retain their health, so the king doesn’t notice
that they’re not eating un-kosher meat.
In fact, we’re told that they look even healthier than the other
Hebrew. Hey vegetarians – this is the
official Bible story for you guys! The
Bible indicates it’s the healthy way to go.
At any rate, because they keep kosher, God gives them
wisdom. They become the greatest
interpreters of dreams in all the land.
The king thinks they are worth 10 times as much as any of his other wise
men. So chapter ends with our being
told that Daniel was still living in the court of the king when Cyrus became
head of Persia. Yeah, that’s far too
long a time period. (Added bonus: the
author here doesn’t indicate the king or anyone else died, which is clearly off
the mark).
CHAPTER 2
This was apparently written by another author
altogether. Either that or our author
really has trouble with story telling.
Last chapter ended with Daniel and friends given a special place among
the wise men, but when this chapter begins, that’s not the case at all. Daniel is, at best, just another wise
man. The king doesn’t seem aware of
him. He doesn’t hold him in any special
place. Then again, the king doesn’t
seem to put much interest in any of his wise men, as we’ll see.
The king had a bad dream.
Damn those night terrors. And he
demands his wise men interpret for him.
What is this dream? Well,
apparently he never tells them. Yeah, I
think that’ll get in the way of interpretation, if you don’t let people know
what they’re interpreting. It would be
like trying to examine inkblot tests – if you couldn’t see the cards.
The wise men ask to be told what the dreams were, and the
king becomes irate. He accuses them of
playing for time and the idiot king raises the odds: tell me what my dreams
mean or I’ll have the wise men killed.
All of them. You’ve got to be
kidding me! Things like this are just
further confirmation that the story is fiction. This is the dumbest king since the dolt from Esther. So capricious. So pointless. Such an idiot.
Anyhow, Daniel hears about it. Now, based on Chapter 1,
you’d think that he’d be the go-to guy for the king, but he’s just a guy. Anyway, Daniel prays to God for help and
then goes to the king, saying he can interpret the dream. It doesn’t seem like he and the king have
ever met, so again – either the writer of Chapter 2 is different from the guy
who did Chapter 1, or he’s an incompetent storyteller.
First, Daniel tells the king what his dream is. Up until this point, I figured that the
author was hiding the dream from us for dramatic effect. Instead of the king telling his wise men the
dream and then telling Daniel his dream, the author decided to avoid the
needless repetition. No, apparently
that wasn’t it. The king never tells
anyone his dream.
But Daniel nails it.
The dream is a little confusing.
There is a wonderful statue. And
then a piece of rock becomes a statue without a hand hewing it. And the new stature – made out of various
metals – destroys the old one.
Then Daniel gives the interpretation. The statute is you, your highness. And the other metals are three other
kingdoms. This part I found confusing. I know what happens. Persia will take over Babylon. But here Daniel talks of three other
kingdoms, so I’m a bit lost. And the
new kingdom that succeeds will fall apart from within, but that’s not what
happened to Persia at all. So I don’t know what to make of it.
Well, the king knows what to make of it. He falls down “and worshipped Daniel and
ordered sacrifice and incense offered to him.”
He then says, “Truly your God is the God of gods and Lord of kings and a
revealer of mysteries.” Yeah. Sure.
Sure he said all of this. I
don’t buy that much at all. As a
reward, Daniel’s friends are made administrators of provinces while Daniel gets
to stay at the court.
Chapter 2 and Chapter 1 must be written by two different
sources. They both serve the same
purpose – they get Daniel and his friends in privileged positions. You don’t need both stories doing it. In fact, it’s confusing to have them
side-by-side. But they work better on
their own.
CHAPTER 3
This is one of the longest chapters in the Bible – an even
100 verses.
It’s an odd story in that Daniel doesn’t show up at all,
even though it’s the longer chapter in the relatively short book bearing his
name. It’s also a fairly famous story –
it’s the story of the furnace.
At the end of Chapter 2, Daniel’s friends have been made
governors of the land. Here, we begin with news that the Persian emperor has
decided to build a giant statue – 60 cubits tall. That’s about 90. (It goes
without saying that there is no record or evidence at all of any such a massive
statue outside of the Bible. So yeah,
fake story).
He has special plans for his big statue. He’ll have all manner of noise blow from
any/all available musical instruments.
When that happens, all should bow down before this fictional
statue. We all know who won’t do this, right?
Right – the Jews.
More specifically, Daniel’s three friends. Despite the fact that failing to bow down to the statue will
result in being thrown in the furnace, they won’t abandon their God. Given the theme of persecution and the
unreality of the plot, it’s no wonder people thing these stories come from the
2nd century BC persecutions.
Well, the three are taken before the emperor and told that
bow down before the one the emperor serves or you’re going to get what you
deserve. They have an amazing calm
response: throw us in the furnace then.
If our God can save us, he will.
This is a sign of tremendous faith, and also rather impractical. Hey, good, pious people get killed to. The laws of physics typically hold. Well, except here, of course.
They are thrown in the furnace. It’s blowing so hot that it actually kills the king’s servants
who throw them in. Bummer. But they walk around the furnace, with
Azariah giving a long prayer to God.
The short version: God is awesome, wonderful and all manner of
perfect. We Jews rebelled against you,
but please help us now.
So God sends an angel down to save them. It sure wouldn’t be much of a story if they
all died right there. God sends an
angel down to keep them safe. The
flames go outside the furnace, while those inside are nice and safe. This causes a second long prayer to God –
call it the “Bless the Lord” poem, as almost all of its 39 verses say either
“Bless the Lord” or “Blessed are you” – with you being God.
The king finds out that the guys are just chilling in the
furnace. The report to him contains one
very strange moment. He’s told there
are four guys in the furnace – the three guys cast in, and a fourth, who,
“looks like a son of God.” Well, now. I
think we can all guess what the Christian interpretation of this verse is. Yup, it’s Jesus Christ. That said, there is a perfectly handy
interpretation for Jews – it’s the angel previously noted.
Well, the three guys walk out of the fire, all fine. Their clothes aren’t even singed. So the Babylonian king immediately changes
his position – yes, again – and has the God of the Jews given priority.
So far, the king has changed his position seemingly once per
chapter. This is getting silly. It’s like Esther where the king is so poorly
written that he’s just annoying.
CHAPTER 4
The chapter is called “Nebuchandnezzar’s Madness.” (With a name like that, you can see why I
keep referring to him simply as “the king” right?) So the king is mad? Yeah, that would at least explain his utter
capriciousness. But the problem is that
he’s a real historical figure, and claiming he’s mad – well, I’ve already done
enough to point out how these stories are fictional written centuries after the
fact.
The king has a dream of a giant tree cut down and wants to
know what it means. Enter Daniel. Ah, finally it looks like the king knows a
character before he chapter begins!
Daniel interprets it simply: the tree is the king. In the dream the tree is cut down but a
stump will remain. This means the king
will be thrust into the wilderness, where he’ll stay for seven years living
like an animal, devoid of his senses.
But the stump means his kingdom will still be there, and the king will
return to his senses once he’s learned his lesson from God.
So, yeah – that’s what happens in the rest of the
chapter. The interesting part is what
causes the king’s downfall. He looks
upon all of his majesty and splendor and declares that he’s the reason it’s all
so great. Big no-no. No sooner have those words left his lips
when a voice rings out from the heavens decreeing he’ll lose his kingship, and
be sent into the wilderness to live like a beast. And – WHAM! – just like that, he’s in the wilderness living like
a beast.
A few things about this. First, God doesn’t do things like
that at this point in the Bible. He
rarely intervenes that directly. He did
early on, sure, but not since then.
Even when his chosen people defy him, he doesn’t act personally. He
sends the Assyrians and Babylonians.
Second, God doesn’t get this involved with non-Hebrew. Someone from outside his tribe defies
him? Well, that’s just par for the
course, now isn’t it? None of the other
kings believe in him. That’s what makes
Jews special. Actually, if you combine
this with the increased emphasis on ethics, you can see some proto-origins of
Christianity. For now all – not just the children of Israel – should follow
God’s words. And following God’s words
doesn’t just mean give ritual sacrifice, but act in a proper manner to your
fellow men.
Anyhow, the king recovers and pledges loyalty to God. Yes, he pledges loyalty again. (No, he never
did in reality).
CHAPTER 5
Each chapter is something of a self-contained story, and
this one is not only a famous story, but it gives us an oft-used phrase: the
writing on the wall. The old king is
dead and his easier-to-spell son Beshazzar is king. (Note: in reality there were several other kings between that one
and the other, but no matter),
Anyhow, Jr. is having a party and he decides to use some of
the bling taken from the temple in Jerusalem.
Big mistake. During the party, a
mysterious hand – God’s hand, apparently – writes some strange things on the
wall. The king freaks and wants to know what it means. None of his wise men can figure it out. Man,
these wise men really suck every time, don’t they?
Naturally, they turn to Daniel. Actually, it doesn’t sound
like the new king has any idea who Daniel is, despite the importance he’s had
over the years. I guess he wasn’t that
close to his dad. But never mind
that. I mustn’t take this too
literally, or I’ll have to point out that Daniel would have to be 100+ years
old to make this story work.
Daniel interprets the words: MENE TEKEL PERES – you have
been weighed and found wanting by the Medes and Persians. (Note: the Bible
often calls the Persian empire the Medes and Persian empire, never mind that
Persia has already taken over Medes).
Oh, and we’re told that later that night the king is killed, I guess by
the Persians. Gee, really shouldn’t
have dined with all the Jerusalem bling.
(Also, maybe you spend a small amount of effort on city defenses!)
Oh, one little thing on the side I like. The king offers great rewards for whoever
read the writing. Daniel says, forget
your reward, keep it yourself. They
give him the reward anyway. Hee! And that’s nice of the king, but why would
he reward Daniel for such an epically depressing interpretation? For that matter – how would he know it’s the
right interpretation – until it’s too late?
CHAPTER 6
This is the last of the Daniel stories. The rest are just visions and
addendums.
By now, the Persians are in charge. Please remember that when Chapter 1 began,
Daniel was a young adult and among the first people led off to Babylon in the
captivity. So yeah, he’s over 100 years
old now. Anyhow, he’s made a minister,
and naturally he’s the best minister.
Naturally.
The others are jealous and figure out a way to screw him
over. They have a king sign a decree
that no one can make, “a petition to anyone, divine or human” except to the
king for 30 days. If they do, they’ll
be immediately executed, no appeal. By
petition, they apparently include any sort of prayer. That’s how they’ll get Daniel.
You see, as a pious young Jew, Daniel makes sure to pray
three times a day, bowing in the direction of Jerusalem. Wait – he does what exactly? Doesn’t that sound like some proto-Islam to
you? In fact, Mohammad first had his followers pray towards Jerusalem as
well. Interesting.
Well, the evil minister have Daniel now. The king learns about it, and is
horrified. He likes Daniel! But, the evil ministers tell him, you signed
the decree and “under the law of the Medes and Persians every royal prohibition
or decree is irrevocable.” Oh come on. That’s a silly plot point if ever I heard
one. That’s not even making sense. Why can’t a king grant a pardon? Why does the king act like such a helpless
flunky of his ministers?
For that matter, why did the king sign this decree in the
first place? Didn’t he see this coming?
He reminds me of the king from Esther – a complete mental midget who is clay in
the hands of his ministers. Yeesh.
For that matter, what’s the end game of the ministers? OK, they can kill Daniel – but then what?
They’ll have a king upset at them for maneuvering him into unwontedly killing
his favorite minister. That isn’t
really a good place for the other ministers to be in, now is it?
Well, Daniel’s punishment is a trip to the lion’s den. And we can figure out what happens,
right? It’s a retelling of the furnace
story, only this time the animals are the danger, not the heat. Daniel is saved and walks right out, saved
by an angel.
Click here for the rest of Daniel.
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