The fall and rise of Joseph - with an interlude from an author who wants us to think the worst of Judah.
CHAPTER 37
Back to the famous stuff.
Meet Joseph, and his amazing Technicolor dreamcoat (here described as a
“long ornamented tunic.” The notes say
people have always had trouble translating that bit – famously calling it a
“coat of many colors.” The best theory
is that it was a long, ornamented robe used by those with lots of status, like
Gandalf. But giving it to some snot
nosed 17-year-old punk? That ain’t
earned.
And Joseph does come off like a snot nosed punk. First thing we hear – he’s an assistant to
the wives Bilhan and Zipah and gives his father bad reports about them. Careful, Joseph – snitches get
stitches. Then he tells his brothers
about a dream where their sheaves all bow down to his. Then he has another dream where the sun, the
moon and eleven stars bow to him.
Arrogant little punk, right?
Added bonus – he makes sure to tell them all this. Even Jacob gets upset.
That said, Jacob favors Joseph, and doesn’t seem to notice
the impact this has on the other children.
Or if he notices, he doesn’t care.
Either way, he’s slipping. First
he doesn’t seem to have any plan to avenge his daughter’s rape --- and can’t
even figure out how to angle it on his behalf for a huge bridal payment
(Jacob! Missing a chance to stick it to
someone! That’s ain’t Jacob!) Here, things are drifting out of his
control. Boy, I bet Laban would like to
meet up w/ Jacob now just to screw him extra hard. Jacob is getting old and isn’t as sharp as he once was.
Oh – quick side note – Jacob’s flocks are at Shechem. That’s the town Levi and Simeon wiped out
earlier.
At any rate, Jacob sends Joseph to see his brothers and they
see him coming and plan to kill the kid.
Wow – as annoying as Joseph is, this is more than a bit extreme. Right away they have a plan, kill him, put
blood on his coat and say a wild animal did it. Someone has thought this out in advance, I think.
Here’s where it gets a little confusing. Again, there are four sources that go into
the Torah, most notably the E and J sources from the two divided kingdoms. They are both used here, and contradict each
other.
Taken in isolation, they make more sense. One story has eldest brother Reuben say we
shouldn’t kill him. Dump him in a
cistern and let’s go. Then some traders
find him, take him up and sell him away.
Only then do the brothers find him, and Reuben mourns the apart loss of
Joseph. He’s freaked. That’s the story that comes from the 10
tribes of Israel.
From the Kingdom of Judah comes a different story. One brother spoke up alright – Judah (of
course). He says we shouldn’t kill
him. Instead, let’s sell him off to
these Ishamelists going to Egypt. (Side
note – wow, Ishamel’s kids populated a lot more quickly. Abraham has just 12
great-grandchildren, and Ishmael’s kids are already a people).
Apart the stories make more sense. But they’re combined. So
you get Reuben saying “Whoah!” and into the cistern goes Joseph. Then Judah says we should sell the kid off,
and they do. Then the traders pull
Joseph out of the cistern, carry him away.
Then the brothers see an empty cistern and freak. Yeah, as written, they
shouldn’t freak at seeing the empty cistern.
Jacob, predictably, is horrified. He says he’ll go to Sheol unconsoled. I believe that’s the first mention of the ancient Hebrew hell,
their notion of the after life.
CHAPTER 38
We interrupt your regularly scheduled story of Joseph to
make Judah look absolutely horrible.
This is an odd little segue chapter about Judah, one that really doesn’t
mean him look good. And boy, do I mean
really doesn’t make him look good.
He marries a local girl.
Sure, since the standoff with Laban, there’s no going back to the
extended family. (At any rate, a fourth
generation of intermarriage would be gross).
And his wife gives him three sons.
The eldest son has one of the most memorable names in the
Bible: Er. Really, they named a kid,
“Er.” I can see why that one never took
off. Anyhow, Er marries this other
local girl, Tamar. Then Er dies –
specifically, the book says Er “greatly offended the LORD; so the LORD took his
life.” Well, bummer. So Judah matched up son #2, Onan, with
Tamar. Onan wasn’t happy with the
arrangement because the offspring wouldn’t be his. (I guess there are some sort of customs about what happens in a
situation like this). So he “wasted his
seed on the ground, to avoid giving offspring to his brother.” (Wait – his brother is dead. Well, I guess it means the family line would
be in his brother’s name. Yeah, that
must be it. Unfortunately, the
footnotes don’t tell me squat here).
At any rate, the LORD doesn’t approve of “seed spilling” and
he kills Onon. Jeepers, that’s even
worse than going blind. I think we just
found a Bible passage condemning either masturbation or pulling out.
At this point, Judah doesn’t want his last living son to
marry Tamar, assuming that she’s just Mrs. Bad News. So he uses the kid’s youth as an excuse. Come back when he’s older, Tamar.
So she goes to her parents, waiting to be called when the
kid, Chezib, is of age. Then, of
course, Judah never calls her.
Instead, Judah’s wife dies.
So Judah completes the mourning and goes to a sheep shearing. Tamar hears about it and decides to meet
him. She covers herself in a shawl and
waits by the roadway. Judah sees her
but doesn’t recognize her because of the shawl. Instead, he figures she’s a whore. And that’s great, because there’s nothing that the widowed Judah
can go for more than a nice whore! He
walks over to her and says “Come, let me have intercourse with you.” She is agreeable and wants to know how much
he’ll pay her. A goat. And she agrees, but wants something in the
meantime; collateral, essentially. He
gives her some stuff. They have sex.
Judah gets someone to deliver the goat, only to find out
that no one knows of any whore on the roadside on the day in question. (Apparently,
Judah is the only person who saw her who even considered her to be a
prostitute. Stay classy, Judah). So
Judah decides to cut his losses. I got
scammed by a girl? Fine, let her keep
her trinkets. I’ll keep the goat. Servants – keep this one to yourself. It’s embarrassing.
Time passes and then it all blows up in Judah’s face. He hears that Tamar is pregnant. Judah assumes she’s a harlot. (Sure he wasn’t going to give her to his
third son, but as widow of the first two, she ain’t supposed to be stepping
out). Judah, as father of her late
husbands, can order her fate – “Bring her out; let her be burned.” DAMN!
That’s harsh. So Tamar comes out and says the man that got me pregnant
gave me these trinkets.
Yup, that’s when it all blows up on Judah. He has to admit that he’s the father ---
and grandfather. Yuck.
Twins come out and those are the kids/grandkids of Judah.
So …. What the hell is going on here? Another ugly story, but like Chapter 34, can
be explained by the divided kingdom.
Chapter 34 was Judah telling a story to discredit the kids that came out
before Judah. Well, this is a tale by
the 10 (lost) tribes trying to discredit Judah. They’re so big and populous – the most populous tribe of
all? Well, they’re the product of a guy
sleeping with his daughter-in-law. A
whoremonger sleeping with his daughter-in-law.
Judah comes off like complete crap here, and that’s because the 10
tribes to the north that made up the Kingdom of Israel in the divided kingdom
days had no use for their neighbor to the south.
Wild story, though. Wild story.
CHAPTER 39
OK, now that the Bible is done trashing Judah’s reputation,
time to get back to the Joseph narrative.
Ever seen the film Matewan by John Sayles? I’m pretty sure this chapter comes up in
that movie. The miners have been led to
believe that the Wobbie tried to attack a girl and they’re upset at him. They have a plan for James Earl Jones to
kill him. But the boy preacher finds
out and gives a sermon along the lines of – a girl lies about a guy attacking
him for her own reasons, but it ain’t true.
So they call off killing the Wobblie.
Boy, was James Earl Jones happy to get that news in the nick of time.
At any rate, Joseph is now a slave, but he’s a damn
competent one. And the Lord is with
him, so it makes things work well where he is, so he’s given full
responsibility of his master’s household.
And everything flourishes and is profitable because the Lord is with
Joseph. It’s prosperity gospel
stuff.
But the master’s wife wants Joseph and tries to seduce
him. Joseph is a good boy, and
refuses. He slips out of his cloak to
get away from her, and boy is she cheesed.
She says he tried to rape her, she screamed and he left in such a hurry
that his cloak was still behind.
Joseph goes to jail.
But the Lord is still with him, and Joseph is put in the same spot in
jail as he was with his old master – he helps run the place.
CHAPTER 40
This Joseph fellow is maybe the most damn competent man in
the Bible. Everywhere he goes, he
succeeds. He’s no longer the snot nosed
punk snitching on his mothers-in-law.
He’s in the jail when the pharaoh sends his cupbearer and
baker there. They each have a dream
that disturbs them, and they need someone to interpret it. Well, we know who can come in handy.
Joseph tells the cupbearer his dream means that in three
days the Pharaoh will call him back to the court and he’ll be back serving him
again. That’s swell. Joseph says, when this happens, just
remember me and that I gave you this interpretation. Tell people I don’t belong in jail.
Well, the baker hears this positive interpretation and wants
one of his own. What’s in store for me,
Joseph. Well, you’re dream means that
in three days the pharaoh will call for you ….so he can skewer you on a
pole. Sorry, baker.
And, of course, that’s exactly what happens. But – the cupbearer totally blows off Joseph. Once he’s back at court, he forgets about him. Bastard.
The big theme of this chapter is that dreams are messages
from God. This is hardly a unique
interpretation by the Hebrew. Hell, you
see this in nearly every civilization – or any pre-civilization for that
matter. But the Bible goes along with
it. Dreams are messages from the
supernatural.
CHAPTER 41
Joseph continues to be awesome. Now the Pharaoh has a series of disturbing dreams – seven
well-fed cows followed by seven famished cows who eat the well-fed ones. Seven full stalks of corn eaten by seven
weak corn stalks. (Cannibal corn!
Sounds like a rejected Slayer song).
Anyhow, none of the magicians can figure out the meaning of the dream, a
fact that surprises me. They can’t even
offer a suggestion? Well, I guess than
can do that, but if they offer one that’s wrong – careful, the boss has been
known to impale people on poles. So
yeah, if you’re not sure best not take guesses.
But that jerk of a cupbearer finally remember Joseph and
he’s called to court and figures it out right away. Egypt will have seven bountiful years followed by seven years of
drought. So we should store the grain
for now so Egypt can eat (and sell it!) later and avoid everyone dying. The pharaoh is so happy with this, he not
only takes Joseph out of jail, but makes him governor of all Egypt, second only
to the pharaoh in power, and the pharaoh will step back and let Joseph handle
things. Joseph is only 30 years
old. Now that’s an impressive
promotion. (That’s actually questionable
delegation of authority by the pharaoh.
You know Joseph can read dreams, but what makes you think he’ll have
good administrative abilities? Eh, no matter – Joseph is damn competent in
everything he does).
Joseph marries a daughter of a high priest and she bares him
two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. I
believe those become two of the 12 tribes. (Levi is the priestly class, not a
tribe, and Joseph isn’t a tribe – his sons are in his name). Joseph’s plan works, for when the famine
hits, everyone comes knocking to get grain. (Then again, if they sell grain to
everyone inside and outside of Egypt, won’t they run out before the famine runs
out? I guess not. The only people from outside coming to Egypt
will be the well off anyway).
Click here for the happy ending to the Joseph stories.
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