Revelations: Chapters 1 to 8

Click here for the previous book, Jude.

CHAPTER 1

Here it is – Revelations!  The last book of the Bible, and the official Bible book of religious loony tunes everywhere – from David Koresh to Kirk Cameron. 

Our author tells us his name is John.  He’s often thought to be the Apostle John, but he never says that.  He clearly feels himself to be a person of note, as he feels he is justified in writing to seven leading Christian churches of Asia.  At the time, he tells us he’s living in exile on the Aegean island of Patmos. 

His mission: to show “what must happen soon.”  He emphasizes this point again – “the appointed time is near.”  So he thinks that the end truly is nigh.  2,000 years later, we’re still waiting for it, though in every generation some people always take some personal comfort in thinking that they are about to live through all this.  That sounds odd, because this is a nightmare story – the end of the world.  But it has a happy ending, and it makes people feel that the struggles they are living through aren’t petty, minor things are The Grandest Issues of All-Time. 

At any rate, this is a vision John had from God, and he’s writing it to seven churches: Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.  Hey – Smyrna!  My great-grandfather came from that town.  (Though his family wasn’t there in Biblical times.  His people came there when Spain kicked out all the Jews during the Inquisition).

CHAPTER 2

We’re still a-ways away from the havoc-wreaking portion of Revelations. This is still Opening Ceremonies stuff.  In Chapters 2-3, John gives some individual notes and comments to each of the seven churches.

Ephesus: John congratulates them for not tolerating wickedness, but then upbraids them for having lost their fervor of old.  Repent, or be damned.

Smyrna: The Christians here aren’t very rich, but they mean well and for that John is happy with them.  But they are persecuted in their town and they should not be afraid.  They should consider these things to be tests.  Who is hurting them?  “Those who claim to be Jews and are not, but rather are members of the assembly of Satan.”  Wow – Jews are really in league with Satan.  You can see the overt anti-Semitism of the early Christian Church.  The people should pass their tests – or else. 

Pergamum: They live “where Satan’s throne is.”  The problem isn’t Jews here, but pagans.  But between the comments here and the ones in Smyrna, you can see a really angry tone.  Get used to it – this is a book about the end of the world, after all.  Anyhow, the people of Pergamum overcome their problems – or else.

Thyatira: Here you get a really angry image of Jesus: “The Son of God, whose eyes are like a fiery flame.”  Eyes are like a fiery flame?  Granted, that can be taken a couple different ways, but given all the violence that comes later, when it doubt, assume that John means this violently.  Anyhow, John seems especially angry with this community, because they have false prophetess – Jezebel John calls her, harkening back to the Old Testament.   John says God will put her kids to death.  Man, the end of the world hasn’t even begun and we’ve already seen some of the angriest language of the Bible.

CHAPTER 3

Sardis: You guys have a great reputation, but you’re coasting.  Quit coasting.  Or else. 

Philadelphia: Huh.  I didn’t know there was a city in the ancient Near East called Philadelphia.  Anyhow, they also have to deal with those darn Satanic Jews.  John’s message to the Christians of Philadelphia is simple: endure.  Or else. 

Laodicea: John says they are “neither cold nor hot.”  I don’t know quite what this means, but it isn’t a good thing.  I guess they’re lukewarm or wishy-washy.  Quit being so wishy-washy, or “I will spit you out of my mouth.”  So really go for it guys – or else. 

With each congregation, there is advice – and a threat beyond it.

CHAPTER 4

OK, after the preliminaries, we finally get into John’s vision.  But of course the opening bit is just the preliminaries of the vision itself. 

John sees a great throne where the person on it sparkled like precious gems.  Surrounding it are 24 smaller thrones.  (It’s Ditka surrounded by 24 mini-Ditkas).  And there are four odd creatures in the area – one is like a lion, the next like a calf, the third had a face “like that of a human being,” and the last one is eagle-ish.  In each case, John lets us know the animal is “like” the one he is describing, so never exactly like it. I don’t know quite what these animals represent, other than that John has probably read the Book of Ezekiel.

CHAPTER 5

I’ll say this for John.  He can write.  He goes step-by-step, slowing building his way to the main event.  First the letters, then describes his heavenly vision.  We know what’s coming, so all this description and advancement helps heighten the suspense.  He’d make a good screenwriter in modern times. 

Now we see our main character – the Lamb.  The Lamb is clearly Jesus Christ.  John even says that he died and his own blood made a kingdom of his followers.  So it’s Jesus – but it sure isn’t Jesus physically.  Instead, we’re told this Lamb has seven eyes and seven horns.  I don’t get the significance of all that.  There was stuff like this in the Book of Daniel, so it fits into the religious tradition – but I don’t get it.

The Lamb isn’t the only new element in the story. There is also a scroll.  Just as the lamb has seven eyes and seven horns, the scroll has seven seals.  We get a few songs by the angels in praise of the Lamb, and then it’s time to break the seven seals.

CHAPTER 6

Methodically, John works his way to the End of Times. 

The Lamb breaks the first seal.  Not much happens – a horseman shows up.  He’s on a white horse.  The Lamb breaks the second seal.  Another horseman shows up – and he is in charge of war.  The third seal sets forth a horseman who talks of the price of grain.  The fourth seal releases a fourth horsemen, this one has a name: Death.

OK, it is obviously the four horsemen of the apocalypse, famine, war, plague, and death.  Strangely, I don’t quite see all that in their descriptions.  Well, the last one is called Death, so OK.  The second one is war – that’s clear.  The other pair, though – it’s hard to see.  I guess the discussion of grain prices means there is a famine (and grain prices are up?  I don’t know what normal grain prices were back then, though, so it’s lost on me).  That means the last one is pestilence.  I don’t see it, though.  Here is the description: “I looked a there was a white horse, and its rider had a bow.  He was given a crown and he rode forth victorious to further his victories.”  And that’s pestilence?  Ohhh-kay. 

Well, through four seals, no actual destruction has occurred.  We’re still just meeting characters.  Again – John is really good at this whole build up. 

The fifth seal is broken – and it causes the Christian martyrs to rise from the dead.  (Note: that’s a difference between John’s theology and ours.  We think they’d be in heaven already.  But for John they only rise now).  And, this being the Book of Revelations, even the Christian martyrs are bloodthirsty.  They call for vengeance.  They want blood for their blood.  They’ll get it.  My word – how they’ll get it. 

Now the Lamb cracks the sixth seal.  Now things really start happening on the earth.  The earth quakes all over the place, the sky turns dark, and the moon becomes like blood (!).  The end is nigh.  A huge wind happens and even mountains shake loose.  Everyone on earth, from king to slave, feels what is going on and takes fear.  Yeah, it’s taken long enough, but now the payoff from the big build up begins.

CHAPTER 7

Oh, this entire chapter covers more reverberations from the sixth seal.  The seventh seal won’t come until Chapter 8.

Here, four angels go to the four corners of the world.  (Quick time out to oppose Biblical literalism.  If you want to take the Bible literally, then the earth has four corners.  The author probably didn’t mean four corners figuratively, after all.  He probably thought the earth had four corners).

Well, huge winds come from all four corners.  And it’s time to ready the faithful.  The upcoming seventh seal will begin the real calamity, so let’s save the faithful first and protect them.  144,000 are marked with the seal of the Lord.  144,000?  Well, there were 12 tribes of Israel and 144 is 12 squared.  That’s where that number comes from.  That is made evident, as John then talks of the 12 tribes of Israel – and gets two wrong.  He calls Levi a tribe.  No, they were the priestly class, not a tribe. He calls Joseph a tribe.  No, Joseph’s two sons became two different tribes.  That’s an odd mistake fro John to make.

But these 144,000 are the faithful, they true – and now quite literally the saved.  They are whisked to safety just in time – for the Lamb is about to rip the seventh seal.

CHAPTER 8

RIP!  There goes the seventh seal. 

But John is too good a writer to end it all right now.  We’ve already begun the End with the sixth seal, but rather than just destroy everything, John figures out another way to prolong the disaster.  (He’d probably be a screenwriter on Saw movies, as this is Biblical torture porn on a massive scale).

The new narrative trick?  The seventh seal unleashes seven angels who each have a horn.  Each blown horn will create more havoc and bring us another step closer to the end of the world. 

The first trumpet sends hail and fire mixed with blood.  Wow – that’s what I call some nasty precipitation.  That’s much worse than the foot-plus of snow we got here last week.  This bad weather destroys a third of the land, a third of the trees, and a third of the grass.  (That’s surprisingly little, given that fire rained down). 

The second trumpet causes “a large burning mountain” to be “hurled into the sea.”  So, it’s a big meteor?  Maybe a comet.  Something like that – yeah, those things should show up if the world is coming to an end.  Oh, and a third of the sea turns to blood.  Well – that shouldn’t happen just due to a comet.  A third of the sea creatures all die as a result.  John sure likes his thirds, doesn’t he?  I guess it’s a Holy Trinity thing – except that doctrine won’t be fully formed until a few centuries after John. 

The third trumpet causes a large start to fall like a torch from the sky.  That’s a lot like the last one actually.  I guess this is the comet. John is repeating himself a little, which is a shame – because normally he’s more imaginative than that.  Anyhow, this new comet turns a third of the water into a poisonous-tasting bit of bleach.  A third of all people die from this water, because it tastes so bad.  Ah, sounds like Kentucky water.  (Seriously, water in Kentucky is horrible).

Back to the Marching Band of the Damned.  The fourth angel blows the fourth trumpet, and a third of the sky goes dark.  The sun, the moon, and the stars – they all get a dimmer put on them.  Just in terms of light that’s bad, but it’s even worse if it means a third of the heat is gone, too. 

And then comes one of my favorite moments of the entire Bible – the most badass verse of them all: Revelations 8:13: “Then I looked again and heard an eagle flying high overhead cry out in a loud voice, `Woe! Woe! Woe! To the inhabitants of the earth from the rest of the trumpet blasts that the three angels are about to blow!” 

Holy crap that’s impressive.  It’s little things like that – these things make John a masterful writer.  He interrupts his action just to give us a pause – and the pause tells us we ain’t nothing yet. 

Just think – we’ve seen a third of the people die, a third the sea creatures die, a third the animals die, a third of the light go out –all kinds of massive, unimaginable calamities occur – and …. That ain’t squat folks.  Screw it – for only just now is the woe really coming. This is just Holocaust foreplay so play.

We get an entire chapter of massive disasters, and then this flying eagle tells us “Folks, the real shit hasn’t even hit the fan yet!”  That heightens our tension and suspense for what will come next.  Jeez – what could possibly outdo what’s just been done!  It’s mind-boggling to think of stuff worse – but it’ll really get worse.

Oh, and also let’s not forget this: if that verse wasn’t there, you would never notice its absence.  That’s why John is so masterful.  He has the vision to include a verse which greatly adds to his story, but isn’t even needed at all.  That’s artistic vision.  That’s inspiration.  That is a master at work.

Click here for the next part of Revelations.